To fall out with OH over questions?!

[Georgeofthejungle]

My OH and I had what I would say is our first proper arguement. He was off with me, I asked him what was up and he told me he doesn't like how I speak to him sometimes. He says I snap at him when he asks me stuff and make comments which make him feel a bit rubbish.
Now I totally know I do this (well not the comments bit, I don't like that), but I can see me doing this and understand why I feels like that. But the reason is because I am so fed up of him asking me things before he has even remotely thought about the answer for himself. It drives me crazy.

For example:
After our darling little dog decided to wee on the floor - where's the floor cleaner? It's always in the same place and he knows this. I said where do you think it could be and he tells me where it is. So why ask me?!

Changing our DS - has he got clothes? You know full well he does and you know where they are kept.

Making tea - how do I cook this/how long does this take? Read the bloody packaging.

These are a tiny few examples of the automatic questions I get constantly (I should note these are not my actual responses but what I'm screaming in my head(. Now I 100% wouldn't have any objection if he had taken a second to think and genuinely didn't know but this is simple stuff that he could quite easily use his own brain to work out. I explained this to him and also explained that when he is helping out with DS or Making dinner it's so great but with the constant questions I feel like I be aswell have done it myself! And it doesn't give me a chance to switch off. He says I'm weird and that that's how people communicate and he doesn't understand why I get so annoyed. I said how will he learn if he keeps asking me, how does he think i know these things or find out when he asks me?! Then he stomped off to the shower and we've not spoken since (this was about 10.30 last night).

Am I right to be so frustrated by it? I feel bad to make him feel rubbish but It really does drive me crazy. If he just thought about things for a split second he'd know the answer to most of the questions he asks me! Arghhhh.

[Dozer]

It's interesting to observe people acting helpless and looking to others to do stuff for them or instruct them, perhaps in order to avoid adult work!

Some people - usually men IMO - do it a lot with people in general, or just with their partner. A female friend like this has always had partners who cowtow to her.

Others do it about specific things, eg finances, driving, housework, children.

I do it with IT and technical stuff. At work as well as at home . DH does it with basic family meal planning and cooking, and doing DD's hair, grrr.

[AristotleTheGreat]

Tbf Dozer women tend to 'delegate' some task such as finances, DIY, looking after the car to their DH and can also play the 'I'm useless at it, please help'.

[Kitsa]

YANBU this drives me FUCKING CRAZY.

[TransformersRobotsInDaSky]

My MiL does this and I agree it feels as though you may as well just do the job yourself. She's so frightened of getting anything wrong that she asks about every step of whatever she's doing. So for example, if she's helping me put a picnic lunch together and making ham sandwiches I would get asked 'how many sandwiches each', 'how much butter', 'how do you want them cutting', 'do you want them wrapped in foil or sandwich bags'. Oh FFS, I really don't care! The reason she does this is that my DH can be a bit over-critical and teenagerish when he's around her so it puts her on edge.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

"I don't know" or "Yeah?" said disinterestedly to reinforce the point that it is not your job to know.

If you obviously do know (how many teabags do I need for one cup of tea?) "I'm not sure" "I can't remember" "um, what, er, 42" "Sorry, didn't catch that, I was deep in thought about MyOwnTask, was it important?"

If one thing is under or behind another thing, I like to look in the place, find the thing though the power of moving another thing, then, crucially, put it all back and only tell the offender "It is definitely in there, look again" Never get it for them.

It works.

On DC as well as DH.

[MargaretCavendish]

"I don't know" or "Yeah?" said disinterestedly to reinforce the point that it is not your job to know.

If you obviously do know (how many teabags do I need for one cup of tea?) "I'm not sure" "I can't remember" "um, what, er, 42" "Sorry, didn't catch that, I was deep in thought about MyOwnTask, was it important?"'

I would be so, so upset if my husband spoke to me like this.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

transformer are you married to my DH?

I say to MIL, "do it how you like, you've more experience than any of us, if DH moans I'll hit him with the frying pan." She laughs.

When DH moans because the cling film is not put away right or something, I say "shit, now I have to hit you with the frying pan like I promised your mum I would if you dissed her sandwich making."

Disclaimer: we all know frying pan related domestic abuse is wrong and we would not actually do it. That's why it is funny.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

MargaretCavendish

I guess it depends on your normal interactions. We laugh at each other a lot. We both have annoying habits and are quite relaxed about gently mocking each other.

That said, I am very hard line on not implicitly accepting responsibility for something I am not responsible for. I think a lot of women fall into the trap of doing that. A lot of people on this thread clearly have done that.

I wouldn't mind at all if I said to DH "where's the hammer" and he said "I don't know". If quizzed he would no doubt say that he assumed I had looked in the normal place and not found it there, and he genuinely does not know where it would be otherwise. I'd be the same.

None of the family have any problem saying "I really can't find Thing / I am worried about getting Task right. Please help." Then we help each other.

[MargaretCavendish]

But you were suggesting saying it when you do know the answer. If I asked my husband (as I did this very morning!), 'how are we doing for milk?' and he said he didn't know that's obviously fine, if he made it clear that it was an irritation to be asked and that he wouldn't tell me even if he did know that would not be fine!

I just think so much of this is having conversations by ridiculous proxy and then expecting both parties to get the code. If what you want to say is 'I resent being made to feel like cleaning is my sole responsibility', then maybe just say that rather than getting all passive aggressive when you're asked where the bleach is? Maybe I just don't get this because we don't have children (yet) and I do a bit less than 50% of domestic stuff - if I ask a question, or if he does, it's because we genuinely think the other person might know and we do not.

[MadameJosephine]

YANBU. This is genuinely one of the reasons I am happier being single and until I find a man who does not regress back into his childhood once in a relationship then I shall remain on my own

[Discobabe]

That's my dh too. It's like he has no common sense. Drives me insane!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

When I was 25, I thought the older generation didn't understand feminism. I thought my generation would not have the crap marriages and little woman roles and manchild partners because we were different and we understood about equality unlike the daft older generations. All my friends were sensible women with sensible partners and equal relationships.

Then we had children.

When being lectured on feminism by a young childless person (not anyone on here: mainly people at work conferences), I often find myself thinking "Talk to me about this again two years after your second child is born".

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

DH does this when he "does" the online shopping. He'll make a big deal about doing it, then stand at the computer and ask me if we've got X,y and z. Drives me ffing mental - look in the sodding cupboards love and see for yourself !!!!

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Agree with posters who say that it's a "helpless" act to either get you to do it for them, act with such incompetence that they won't have to do it again (because it's more trouble and hassle than if you did it yourself) or as a way of shirking the responsibility.

I think the thing to do is nip it in the bud early.

I think at the start of a relationship there's something in us (and I admit I was the same) that wants to show how much we can care for our OH. So some men know it's like a safety net for incompetence.

Findling things though...that's a bit different. I'll try and find an article I read on the fridge thing...it said there was a difference in visionary capabilities at long and short range between men and women.

My DS lives alone with me and is 11. He never acts helpless and I wouldn't pander to it. But tell him his favourite dessert is in the fridge and he really struggles to find it.

[MargaretCavendish]

I accept that Rabbit - it is actually something that scares me about having children (I started a whole thread on mumsnet about it - with some really interesting responses!). I'm hoping - but far from confident - that we might be able to at least alleviate it a bit because we're intending to do shared parental leave (if we have children - TTC at the moment), so there will be six months where he is the SAHP. I'm sure you're right, though, that future me will look at past me and laugh at my naivete.

I still think - and I hope my views don't change on this - that a lot of people would do a lot better to actually talk to their partners about things that bother them! I suppose I'm slightly sensitive to this because I know that I am, by and large, the more annoying partner, and I have felt very aggrieved on the couple of occasions that my husband has suddenly gets very cross about things (e.g. mugs left lying about) having never previously said a word.

[MargaretCavendish]

Here's the thread, if you're interested (or maybe you posted on it - sorry if so!). You'll see that I got taken to task by a few posters, I think some fairly, some not! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/2644039-Upset-by-Mumsnet-please-cheer-me-up

[FledglingFridge]

Male brain my arse. He thinks he's too important for it all.

My DH can dress/bath/feed/play with our children, run the house and manage the admin. If I had to hold his hand through it I'd have left the bugger. We've all got enough to do without becoming the manager in our own homes. He's a manly tradesman who lifts weights. Male brain bollocks.

[weeblueberry]

I feel this.

Last night my partner took a hairclip out of my hair and then sat looking at it for ages before asking 'what should I do with this'.

Genuinely made a face and told him since he was an adult he could make any sort of decision about where it went. didn't tell him where he should actually put it

[KayTee87]

Thank god my husband doesn't do this. Our team admin in work does though all bloody day long instead of just looking something up herself - it drives me bonkers and I've started to ignore her now. I actually asked her once why she doesn't just google something instead of asking me and she said 'because you'll know the answer so it saves me looking it up' fucking hell I thought you were here to assist me not the other way around

[FlorisApple]

One of my favourite phrases: "Look with your eyes, not with your mouth!"

[whois]

OP are you my parents??? You have described exactly how it is with them, and I can tell you after a gazzilion years of marrige they are not happy and this is a big cause of it. Dad won't sort shit out for himself, Mum has to nag.

I reckon you just have to leave him to it and not be on hand to answer questions. Go out and leave him with the children. All. Day. When he starts cooking, go up stairs nad not be on hand for questions on how long pasta takes. Or reply "not sure love, what does it say on the packet". Or if he asks abotu clean clothes "yeah I think so [insert pet name here], chek in the top drawer to see"

[Bails2014]

Have you considered using sarcasm?

[FinallyHere]

DH does this. After years of me being increasingly cross and snappy, I have learned to assume that he is talking out loud to himself. I ignore or if i cant resist joining in, reflect back to him 'you are looking for the scissors' and otherwise leave him to it.

He gets it done, not the way I would have but then he is an adult.

It was actually getting a new boss at work that gave me the clue. New boss would talk out loud to himself all day (i know...) and we learned pretty sharpish to keep out. Otherwise, we would have spent all day 'helping' him and, much to his surprise, got nothing of our own stuff done. At least i know that there is more than one person who does the continual monologue.. Madness but there you are.

[ExitPursuedByBear]

Agree it is a man thing - but one that they have been conditioned into. Gives me the rage.

And the 'I've emptied the dishwasher for you' Or ' I've hoovered for you'. No you fucking haven't done it for me.

And needing to be praised for stuff - 'Did you notice the lawn' or 'I've sharpened all my pencils' - I am considering buying some Well Done stickers so I can silently present him with one instead of having to have a suitably impressed expression and tone of voice.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

I've found it's 50/50 - a female I used to work with was like this with constant questions and she drove everyone up the wall. Eventually she moved to another dept and we all sighed with relief.