To fall out with OH over questions?!

[Georgeofthejungle]

My OH and I had what I would say is our first proper arguement. He was off with me, I asked him what was up and he told me he doesn't like how I speak to him sometimes. He says I snap at him when he asks me stuff and make comments which make him feel a bit rubbish.
Now I totally know I do this (well not the comments bit, I don't like that), but I can see me doing this and understand why I feels like that. But the reason is because I am so fed up of him asking me things before he has even remotely thought about the answer for himself. It drives me crazy.

For example:
After our darling little dog decided to wee on the floor - where's the floor cleaner? It's always in the same place and he knows this. I said where do you think it could be and he tells me where it is. So why ask me?!

Changing our DS - has he got clothes? You know full well he does and you know where they are kept.

Making tea - how do I cook this/how long does this take? Read the bloody packaging.

These are a tiny few examples of the automatic questions I get constantly (I should note these are not my actual responses but what I'm screaming in my head(. Now I 100% wouldn't have any objection if he had taken a second to think and genuinely didn't know but this is simple stuff that he could quite easily use his own brain to work out. I explained this to him and also explained that when he is helping out with DS or Making dinner it's so great but with the constant questions I feel like I be aswell have done it myself! And it doesn't give me a chance to switch off. He says I'm weird and that that's how people communicate and he doesn't understand why I get so annoyed. I said how will he learn if he keeps asking me, how does he think i know these things or find out when he asks me?! Then he stomped off to the shower and we've not spoken since (this was about 10.30 last night).

Am I right to be so frustrated by it? I feel bad to make him feel rubbish but It really does drive me crazy. If he just thought about things for a split second he'd know the answer to most of the questions he asks me! Arghhhh.

[shazzarooney999]

Very petty, if this is all you have to row about then your doing well!!!!

[CheshireChat]

Oh, my DP tried doing this. My standard answer is now 'I don't know' to everything, if it's a valid question then I actually answer.
I also started saying that if I wanted to sort x out I would've done- he used to be really bad when cooking. Guess what- he's fine now and I'm actually more willing to help.

[LPickers]

I have this same problem. Been married 4 years. He prob had a mother who used to organise him (think for him) like my DH did?
Fortunately my husband knows it's a weakness of his and tries not to do it. He has got a bit better over the years.

The key is trying not to get annoyed or fall into the trap of reacting badly to everything. Be helpful if they are trying to find something you could have moved (even if you haven't). For ridiculous questions, say 'I don't know' or 'it tells you on the box' or 'yes, she has clothes in her wardrobe' etc. Do not get up and help him or give specific instructions. Ignore all ridiculous comments (hints) that imply he wants your assistance, as if you haven't realised he's hinting. Let him get stressed on his own figuring it out (like you had to figure it out!).

Ive had many a conversation where Ive explained to him that it makes me feel Im the parent and he's the child - Ive recently added that it is therefore not attractive to me. I am not sexually attracted if someone wants me to parent them and behaves in this childlike way. Also how draining and stressful it is because it means he wants to hold no thoughts about or responsibility for 'house' stuff, so I have to. That this is disrespectful towards me.

Its hard, but try not to think he's doing it on purpose. I believe my dh was not taught how to think about organisational stuff (he never had to). Also, notice when he DOES do stuff. You don't have to point It out (which would reinforce the notion that he's merely 'helping' you do 'your job'), but make a mental note as it will make you feel better!

Mothers, please teach your sons to be independent and organise/work easy stuff out for themselves. I have a son, Im going to try!

[itstimeforchange]

My DH does this a lot and it's hugely irritating. Nowadays I usually just answer something along the lines of "where it usually is" or "wherever you put it" if it's something of his that I know he had and has left around somewhere! It's slightly better since I started work and he is a stay-at-home parent, but I still have to tell him to do much of the housework. Still have to contribute brain effort to what is now HIS job, just because he will leave it and leave it and leave it. And yet things that really don't matter much to the family's quality of life (e.g. the length of our grass) he will prioritise beyond belief.

Topseyt has reminded me that I actually do the lazy question things sometimes too, without thinking. If DH is there and I'm prepping some food that he has perhaps suggested (he's the cook in our house) I will default to asking him what to do, instead of just working it out myself, which I am perfectly capable of doing. However, I am AWARE that I'm doing it, and after a couple of sentences I force myself to shut up because I annoy myself in doing it! But it is definitely a "I can't be bothered to think about this and you should have all the answers" thing.

In my defence, I absolutely loathe cooking. Beyond belief.

[Masketti]

You are married to my DH and I feel your pain. YANBU.

[Lalaloop11]

So glad it's not just my DH! Must be a generic man trait.
Mine walks in, patting his pockets, looking at the ceiling and asks 'where's my keys?'
Erm, they're YOUR keys, I don't know where they are but I wouldn't imagine they're hanging from the bloody ceiling?!?!!😡

[SeraOfeliaFalfurrias]

When DH asks me stupid questions I tend to fix him with a look and say "oops, silly me, there I was thinking you were a perfectly capable adult". Tends to do the trick.

[gooddays]

That would drive me nuts it like being their mum! But what drives me more nuts is that my DP never asks as he never does anything!

[SeraOfeliaFalfurrias]

shazzarooney999 - this is typical silencing of women when they speak out, telling us that our problems are small ones, we should be grateful things aren't worse.

Be grateful your man expects you to do all the thinking and feels that domestic chores are beneath him, it could be much worse, he could be abusive!

Be grateful your man is only verbally abusive, it could be much worse, he could be physical with you.

Be grateful all you have to worry about is pay inequality, it could be much worse, in some countries women aren't allowed to work at all!

Be grateful you're only treated like a second-class citizen in your own country, it could be much worse, you could be considered nothing but property with no human rights at all!

Be grateful you get to live a life of servitude because of your sex, it could be much worse, you could have been drowned in a bucket at birth for being a girl!

Women should never have to settle for less than the best and most life has to offer just because other women have it so much worse. Every one of us who lifts ourselves out of the sexist traps society and conditioning sets for us paves the way for others to follow.

[Hellochicken]

My DH does this.
eg putting some washing away he might pick up a sock and say "where is the other sock?"
expecting me to either stop what I am doing and search for it or have some sock insight I don't have

Sometimes I might says "hmmmm" "not sure" /slightly ignore him and he figures out the "question/dilemma" or sometimes if I am getting a bit annoyed by it all, I say something along the lines of "where have you looked?" or "what are the options?"

I worry he does this questioning incase I disapprove but I think I am quite laid back! Why would I be annoyed about the solitary sock?!?

[LPickers]

Ha ha! Some of the examples on here are hilarious!

My husband went to the Coop in our village (with only one food shop) for a list of items I'd given him. He rang me 10mins later and said "The shop's closed".
'Oh no', I thought, 'it obviously doesn't open on Sundays. Or perhaps it's had to close for some reason. Really need milk, etc'
"Oh no, why? When will it open again?" I asked.
"In 15 minutes at 10am. What shall I do?"
FFS. Why are you ringing to just ask me that?
"Seriously? Just walk around for 15 minutes or something, then go in the shop!"

[SunshineOutdoors]

I've either got an extremely rare breed of husband or I'm just a cow for feeling sorry for some of these men. Ive been the main person at home while dh works so can understand why he asks where things are. I sort things out/move things all the time. I'd I went to his place of work I'd be asking him far more questions. He does cook/dress children/find things/Hoover on his own though so maybe I've just managed to find a normal member of society. Don't put up with people not pulling their weight in your house - man or woman. need to buck own ideas up before dh starts similar thread on dadsnet

[Tink06]

My oh does this too. The worse thing is he doesn't listen to the answer so asks again repeatedly. I refuse to answer after the first time n tell him that the answer hasn't changed since the first time he asked.
He also asks constant questions while watching TV. I try not to snap but how on earth do I know things he doesn't when we are watching the same thing.

[agentmarmalade]

Ah, yes, I know this pain so well!
I often reply to inane and pointless questions from my Dp with Noises rather than words.
Just noises.
Like "Uuuurgh?" And "Eeeeeeh?"
Cos some of the questions just don't warrant words anymore.

[BlurryFace]

A few times my DH would inform me he had (for example) "put away all the laundry for you, babe" to which I would reply "gee thanks, because it was only MY clothes that I washed and dried, wasn't it?". He stopped saying it qiuite quickly.

To be fair, he did grow up in a super old school environment when it came to housework and is actually very lovely and willing to look at my side of things when we fall out.

If I have a bad day and he comes home to a trashed lounge, partially clothed manic toddlers and me swearing at whatever I'm cooking he is always quick to tell me that my real job is looking after the kids, and that I should have a lie down after tea so he can put the kids to bed and tidy up. It's just taken him a while to catch on to noticing if things need doing because he never had to before we were together.

[litlest1]

It's because you are there. Go out and just let them get on with it.

[laurenwiltxx]

YABU they don't mean it to annoy you, its just habit. You must of known before you settled down with him. My Dp does it but no point getting annoyed you just upset him stress yourself out and cause a pointless bicker. Don't sweat the small stuff

[Camel14]

Are you married to my husband as well?!

[cheminotte]

Great post Sera

[thedogdaysareover]

After years of cohabiting with constant questions from men like this, when I met my DH I decided the rules would be drawn in the sand. He does all the cooking and the shopping, I do everything else. So if I get a stupid question like "What shall I cook tonight?" Or "Do we need tea bags?" I say "Do not make me responsible for this decision. Do you happen to know if there is enough dark clothes in the wash to justify putting the machine on yet? Bet ya don't".
I will literally eat anything, I am a dustbin and he is a great cook, so this question.... He's slowed down a lot recently.

[TipBoov]

My husband does this. It doesn't bother me too much, unless it's something he actually put away last!

[pinkyredrose]

lauren you sound rather young. Small stuff? Upset him? You may like acting as your husbands mother but most women would prefer it if thier partners behaved with respect and responsibility.

[redredread]

Like PPs, this is one of the reasons that XH and I split up. In response to "where is x?", I used to ask "where have you already looked?" He hated this, and in turn I was driven mad by the seemingly ceaseless questions about obvious and unimportant things. I'm with the PP who said they hate small talk. It felt like an endless reminder that responsibility for domestic and DC-related stuff was mine, with his "help" being both optional and apparently magnificent.

[Momoftwoscallywags]

My husband used to do this, all the bloody time! In his defense his Mother did everything for him when he lived with his parents so he thought it was normal! Soon put him right on that!

He would ask what time the supermarket opened! Sarcastic response would be "Let me use my physic powers" Less sarcastic response would be " Ring them".

He would ask where his shirts were! I would go all dramatic and ask who had broken in and stole the wardrobe and was anything else missing! or respond "in the ironing basket"

He would ask where his keys were! so I would tell him that I had never seriously thought about becoming a magnet and was wondering if it was possible or I would give him a lecture on how much it would cost to replace our locks if he had really lost his keys.

If he ever glanced in a cupboard/fridge etc and said item was not there I would just shrug my shoulders and say "The optician is going to make a pretty penny out of you" or " well you had better replace said item then"

Always hated that puppy dog expression he gave me when he said he had "helped me". Have been known to sarcastically say "What do you want, a ticker-take parade?".

We have had many an argument over "my attitude" and my response has always been I am not your Mother, I am not your PA, and I am certainly not your slave. If you want any of those, either go back to live with your parents, pay me a wage or wait to be arrested because slavery is illegal in this country.

Our first year together was the hardest because he really did try to make out I was being unreasonable just because I wouldn't stop what I was doing to run over to help him. He would get incredibly angry that, it his eyes, I was so unhelpful. I pointed out that he would not expect his work colleagues to do this, or his manger and if he genuinely really, really, really needed help he would ask for it in an adult way not like a fifteen year old who had been forced to do chores!

He still has his moments, but it is just a look now and he gets it sorted.

[Meeep]

DH does this, then if I sigh he says I should WANT to help him - that's what marriage is about! Then I feel like a bitch.