To fall out with OH over questions?!

[Georgeofthejungle]

My OH and I had what I would say is our first proper arguement. He was off with me, I asked him what was up and he told me he doesn't like how I speak to him sometimes. He says I snap at him when he asks me stuff and make comments which make him feel a bit rubbish.
Now I totally know I do this (well not the comments bit, I don't like that), but I can see me doing this and understand why I feels like that. But the reason is because I am so fed up of him asking me things before he has even remotely thought about the answer for himself. It drives me crazy.

For example:
After our darling little dog decided to wee on the floor - where's the floor cleaner? It's always in the same place and he knows this. I said where do you think it could be and he tells me where it is. So why ask me?!

Changing our DS - has he got clothes? You know full well he does and you know where they are kept.

Making tea - how do I cook this/how long does this take? Read the bloody packaging.

These are a tiny few examples of the automatic questions I get constantly (I should note these are not my actual responses but what I'm screaming in my head(. Now I 100% wouldn't have any objection if he had taken a second to think and genuinely didn't know but this is simple stuff that he could quite easily use his own brain to work out. I explained this to him and also explained that when he is helping out with DS or Making dinner it's so great but with the constant questions I feel like I be aswell have done it myself! And it doesn't give me a chance to switch off. He says I'm weird and that that's how people communicate and he doesn't understand why I get so annoyed. I said how will he learn if he keeps asking me, how does he think i know these things or find out when he asks me?! Then he stomped off to the shower and we've not spoken since (this was about 10.30 last night).

Am I right to be so frustrated by it? I feel bad to make him feel rubbish but It really does drive me crazy. If he just thought about things for a split second he'd know the answer to most of the questions he asks me! Arghhhh.

[Nousernameforme]

My dp used to do this I just answered "I don't know" or something to that effect on repeat it worked

[Georgeofthejungle]

I totally agree Penfold! I think that is why he asks me. I was thinking last night, when do I do this. What prompts me to ask him questions when I know the answer or could easily find out and it revolves around DIY or gardening tools in the garage. I'd rather ask him where they are than go look, but that's once in a blue moon, not every day.

[VioletBam]

I honestly think that SOME men do this as a way of trying to get you to do it for them.

My DH would do that thing about the DC clothes. "What's she got to wear?"

I don't know! Look in the fucking drawers!

I don't say that...but I used to THINK it. I had to hash it out with him....explain that he needed to think for himself. His mother is the type to clean up after men if they make a sandwich.

I'm fucking not.

[JudyCoolibar]

Mostly my DH doesn't do this, but he is guilty of looking hopelessly into fridges or cupboards and announcing that whatever he wants isn't there because it just doesn't occur to him to look behind whatever is at the front. Friends tell me the same about their partners, in fact one has a phrase for it which I now borrow - "You've only had a boys' look, now look properly". What is it about the male brain that they do this?

[Georgeofthejungle]

My MIL is another sandwich cleaner upper but my OH loved on his own (in a bloody midden) for a good 5 years before we met and moved in together so he definitely knows better.

He's away off to work sheepishly. I felt bad last night when he says he wants to feel like a team mate but reality is he needs to act like one!

[Georgeofthejungle]

Lived*

Loved ....

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

Annoying. Some folks like to ask instead of finding out for themselves. If you're busy it's an unnecessary interruption, but in any case why don't they use their own brain cells?
My dad was like this - didn't want to take responsibility for his own actions - if it goes wrong it'd be your fault not his - there's someone to blame. And a colleague - lack of confidence/ability but it's damn annoying and you feel like taking over yourself.
Don't be tempted - continue to delegate, tell them 'use your initiative'.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

It's not the male brain. They grow up having other people (women) sorting all this stuff out for them and they learn not to be bothered with it. Do you think men constantly need half holding and micromanaging at work? Of course not.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

If he lived in a midden then clearly he never learnt better!

[idontlikealdi]

My god mine does it too. It's so frustrating. I've had a go at him over it before, after dealing with questions from the kids all day long I don't need him stareting when he knows the answer!

[DontDead0penlnside]

I get things like

Me: "What do you want for dinner?"
Him: "I don't know, what do YOU want?"

According to my mood, I vary between replies of:
"I asked first, you decide"
"I don't care"
"we're having this"
"[full on rant about taking some bloody responsibility and will you please make a sodding decision!"]"

[macromolecule]

My DH actually doesn't do this except for in one instance of where he USED to try and palm responsibility off onto me; looking for things.

HIS OWN things, let me make that clear. Not where is the hoover etc.

Firstly, when he realised I wasn't interested in locating his belongings for him he made him doing it himself so unpleasant that it should have been easier for me to do it myself, namely, turning the entire house upside down whilst shouting - a technique I call 'The Tornado'. That did not go well for him.

Latterly he toned things down a bit and tried adopting a 'helpless victim' role in this particular drama, which mainly involved him requesting my 'help' to look for such and such an item - before even conducting a preliminary search himself. What this really meant was "You start looking so I don't have to."

These days he has a quick look and possibly then asks me if I know where it is. If I know, I tell him. If I don't, I say so. Only if it's important and time critical do I actually deign to get off my fat arse.

[BeBopTalulah]

Humour aside, I think you are being UR. He obviously feels bad about the way you speak to him. I think you should be chuffed he even told you how he was feeling - a lot of men don't!

I enjoy a funny 'my DH was a bit silly today' thread as much as the next, but this caused a 'proper' argument and is obviously grating on your OH.

[sansXsouci]

My DH also does this, he has always done it. Apparently he once sent his normally calm mother into a screaming rage when he still lived at home and in the morning she asked him to hang out the washing, she got back from work to find the washing still in the machine, when she asked about it, he said he couldn't hang the washing out as she hadn't told him where it was. Arrrggg!

[macromolecule]

It could equally be said that his pointless questions have caused a proper argument and have been grating on the OP.

The question is, now he knows what the problem is, will anything change?

[LesisMiserable]

"If you want to feel like a team member you need to act as one and not look for guidance all the time because it's driving me nuts and making me want to snap at you. If you try to reign it in I'll try to watch my own behaviour and look out for the tone I'm using when I speak to you".

[0nTheEdge]

My DH drives me bonkers with this too! Always asking me where things are, often without looking himself first. If I know, I'll tell him. If I don't, I reply with 'i don't know darling, is it up your bum?' which he hates! It drives him as bonkers as his question drives me, so he does it less! He has asked me not to say it, but I reply that I can't help it, I had my whole life of my mum saying it to me and now it's ingrained/reflex. Which is true. In your case, OP, if he's told you exactly why it upsets him, I personally would just very tactfully explain why exactly it upsets you. Both are valid feelings and I'm sure you'll sort it out.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

My DH does exactly this. You have my sympathy.

[leghoul]

LTB

[Bloodybridget]

I don't know that it's a male thing - my lovely female DP does this a lot! "Have we got any [random food item]?" Well, if we have it will be in the fridge or the larder, depending ... I know I'm more aware of what's there but it always irritates me! And she's hopeless at finding things - our poor DGS had to sleep on the floor recently because she swore the air mattress had disappeared - it was exactly where I thought it was!

[DrSingleMum]

My now ex was in this club! After years of frustration and plenty of 'please take responsibility for yourself' talks I began to answer "Why don't you google it?"

[MissOpheliaBalls]

I ignore, walk away, feign deafness ! Most of the men I've known do it, I think it's laziness and depending on their up bringing a bit of "it's menial, so it's your job". My DS had a habit of sitting in one room and shouting a question at me, whereupon I would find him and get him to repeat. I realised after a while what a mug I was being, and just began to ignore. He then had to come and find me :)

As for decision making for dinner, I remember saying one time "I'll cook it, but you have to decide what you want, no decision, no dinner". It only happened once; since then he's been more than happy to give suggestions !

[ToriaPumpkin]

DH used to do this. Until I pointed out everything was always where it had always been and started refusing to answer questions. His mother is very controlling so at a guess it stemmed from her teaching/allowing him to not think for himself at home.

Now we still fall out about me snapping at him when he does ridiculous things but he's starting to acknowledge the ridiculous things he does at least.

[AristotleTheGreat]

DH did that for a bit. My standards answer was 'I don't know' and maybe 'same place than usual?'

And then I used to leave the room so he couldn't ask the question again. After a while he gave up and got on with things.

I'm finding it really interesting that he is getting annoyed at beien treated like a child but is the one to act as a child that needs some hand holding.
Maybe ask him when he is at work and works in a team, woud he be happy to have one of the team members asking him obvious questions day in day out?

[HairyMoose]

He does this to get praise and recognition that he's doing a task as he thinks that if he doesn't ask you stuff then you might not know he's doing s task. He's trying to make it obvious. He also thinks it will please you so again asks any old question in the hope that he will be praised.