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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think suffers of secondary infertility don't get enough understanding and support

182 replies

Darrelrivers · 13/06/2016 20:27

So DH and I have been trying for a 2nd since our DS was one (2years ago) my desire to have a 2nd is no less than my desire to have my first. But people have so little sympathy and support for secondary infertility despite it apparently being more common than not being able to have another child. The NHS won't help (I've been told our trust won't even carry out a lot of tests as that might be seen to be helping us conceive), people think you should be grateful if you have one (which of course I am but doesn't stop the overwhelming desire for another). Adding to the pressure of infertility is my DS constantly asking for a baby, fertility drugs causing hormonal outbursts whilst trying to look after a 3year old who doesn't understand. Forced into child related activities constantly with no breaks from siblings/pregnancy. Even adoption is much harder as you can't have siblings, very restrained by age and most of all have to think about impact a traumatised child would have on DS. Aibu to think people should be much more aware of secondary infertility and not constantly asking when you're having another because having just the one is so cruel.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 13/06/2016 20:28

How long exactly have you been trying?

AppleSetsSail · 13/06/2016 20:32

Well, no one should ask about your childbearing plans - you're correct that that's insensitive. But it only makes sense that people who have no children should be prioritised for IVF on the NHS.

Good luck.

DerelictMyBalls · 13/06/2016 20:32

It says 2 years in the OP.

YANBU, OP, we have been trying for 6 years and have had 4 miscarriages. It's a very lonely place to be.

Howmuchisthatdoggyinthewindow · 13/06/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Palomb · 13/06/2016 20:34

I say this as someone who has a bloody horrendous obstetric history. .. The reason is because not being able to have any children is far far worse than only being able to have one, or two.

Any infertility is heartbreaking but it is only right that resources are used for people who haven't been able to have any children over those that have.

I am sorry you're having a shit time Cake

Scarydinosaurs · 13/06/2016 20:35

I completely agree. It isn't something that I have experienced myself, but it is something that my friends have. It makes me feel terribly sad for them.

Scarydinosaurs · 13/06/2016 20:36

But yes, ^ palomb is correct, not having any children is worse. But nothing can be gained from comparing grief.

limon · 13/06/2016 20:37

yanbu. although I have sympathy and 8m sure it's upsetting and difficult it isnt as bad as being in a place where you can't have hidden at all.

limon · 13/06/2016 20:37

children not hidden.

fourpawswhite · 13/06/2016 20:37

I don't understand the same part as howmuch has mentioned or "most of all have to think about impact a traumatised child would have on DS".

echt · 13/06/2016 20:42

Aibu to think people should be much more aware of secondary infertility and not constantly asking when you're having another because having just the one is so cruel.

This is unthinking on their part at best. But then any unsolicited enquiries about having babies is just rude: either you don't want one right now, or can't. Either way they should just think. And then shut up.

gettingbythistime · 13/06/2016 20:43

how op means (i think..) how bloody awful it is having to spend time among other women with kids when you 'have only one' as most women get pg as a matter of normality, when their first child is nearing 2 so you find yourself around pg women or newborns whilst you are still have an empty womb. am i right OP? i say this as an expert (!!??) having ttc unsuccessfully for ten years with secondary inf'. sorry OP, i know what you are going through and sadly, only someone who has experienced secondary inf' will understand. it stinks doesn't it? i could make a list of things about it that stink, one of them, is the old 'at least you have one, don't forget how lovely she is'. oh do FUCK OFF, like someone with secondary' needs bloody reminding how lucky they are to have one. i never wanted a second child because my first was somehow lacking in something. i wanted a second for the same reasons that most women do only i couldn't get pg with my second so my ache never subsided, it just grew whilst they all around me were effortlessly knocking them out like rabbits... (sorry to rant op! just remembering how much it stank). fwiw 3 years actually isn't that long so you may well have success. hugs n' all

Joystir58 · 13/06/2016 20:44

I don't think secondary infertility could be compared at all with the pain of not being able to have a child at all.

echt · 13/06/2016 20:46

Nobody has done that.

Joystir58 · 13/06/2016 20:46

perhaps sometimes it is a good idea to count our blessings and be grateful for what we have rather than wallowing in misery for wanting more of something we've already got

echt · 13/06/2016 20:48

Which is exactly the attitude the OP and gettingby are objecting to.

Original poster
Darrelrivers · 13/06/2016 20:49

The comment re adoption came from a social worker when looking into adoption the warned any adopted child was likely to have suffered trauma which could have an impact on our DS. Re always having to go to child related activities means you never get a break from seeing other children play with siblings and pregnant women. You can't exactly go to an adults only resort.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 13/06/2016 20:54

Not being able to have another baby is not the same as not being able to have any. And I speak as someone who struggled to conceive my first and tried unsuccessfully for six years to conceive a second.

As for a three year old asking for a sibling.... Confused I never understand where that idea comes from unless someone actually puts it in their head. No child is desperate for a sibling. Especially not at that age...

Yes, it's hard when you try for another baby and are not successful in conceiving, but no, it's not the same, and yes, you should be grateful for what you do have rather than obsessing over what you don't/can't have.

I'm not referring to people who have had miscarriages as this is a whole different pain, which again, is simply not comparable to TTC and just not getting pregnant.

Original poster
Darrelrivers · 13/06/2016 20:56

Joy those of us with secondary infertility don't just greedily want "more of what we have got" we want what most families want a sibling for our only one, we don't want to worry about them coping on their own when we get old, not having a sibling to share and fight with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darrelrivers · 13/06/2016 20:59

At no point have I said secondary infertility is worse than primary infertility but it is very devastating. When all of their friends mummy's are having babies its an obvious question when is mummy going to have a baby in her tummy

OP posts:
nokidshere · 13/06/2016 21:03

Any fertility problems are upsetting to the person going through them. Sadly though I agree with others that treatment should be allocated to those that don't have any children as a priority.

I started ttc when I was 22 and finally fell pregnant naturally at 39 after 15 years of unsuccessful treatments. I used to think it was better not getting pregnant at all than being able to get pregnant and having miscarriages.

OP it stinks, it's not fair, it's heartbreaking every day, but you need to find a way to come to terms with having one child or being proactive about how you might get another.

FlowersFlowers

Shouldwebeworried · 13/06/2016 21:03

I feel you here OP. I have a super lovely gorgeous DD (3) whom I love to bits. I also desperately want no.2. Have been trying for almost 18 mths (not a massively long time but the clock is a ticking), had a miscarriage almost a year ago and trying ever since. Meanwhile pretty much every other person in my office has had a baby or is now pregnant. Seriously, 2 days after returned to work after mc one woman announced her pregnancy (heartbreaking for me). Since then 3 women and 2 guys have announced pregnancies plus 5 women from active roles have been put on light duties into our department. I am surrounded by all these people achieving what I can't and it is devastating. There are literally 3 women who are childless left that are not trying yet. The rest are older and already have as many kids as they want.

It's horrible and I feel like such a miserly grinchy bitch of a woman because I can't be happy for them just jealous and I have to hear all the squeals of delight and congratulations and every time it's like a little knife slice.
Yes yes I know I am super lucky to have my DD and very grateful that I got her but that doesn't stop it hurting.
And people should mind their business and not be saying things to you like "having only one is cruel", it's non of their sodding business and it would be great if people thought a bit more before they said such things and realised that a (possibly) significant proportion of people with only 1 child are wishing for another and struggling to conceive.

Mari50 · 13/06/2016 21:06

I have secondary infertility, we tried for 5 years to conceive a sibling for DD. My DD has asked for a sibling since she was old enough to understand the concept and it's been heartbreaking explaining to her that it's out of my control while everyone around us is popping out 1/2 or 3 siblings. I adore my DD and I know how lucky I was to fall pregnant with her but my family is incomplete and always will be. I constantly find myself excusing the fact I have an only child, I don't want people to think I have one by choice when it's not true.
Your unreasonable depends who/ where you think the support should come from. I don't think the nhs should be investing in supporting couples with secondary infertility but maybe more awareness in general would be helpful. A realisation that some of us with onlys aren't there by choice (needs to remembered there are a lot of children born to couples who have had ivf and can't find it privately to expand their family)
Infertility sucks full stop.

zeezeek · 13/06/2016 21:07

Real cruelty is not being able to have even one and being surrounded by people with children.

My sympathies are firmly with the people who desperately want what you have. A child. Just one. Because one is enough of a miracle for them.

Palomb · 13/06/2016 21:07

There's a saying I've heard that I had to tell myself repeatedly when I was struggling with pregnancy related stuff.."comparison is the thief of joy". It sounds trite but it is true, it really is.

Focus on what you have, and love. Enjoy what you have without thinking about what anyone else has.