Aibu to think suffers of secondary infertility don't get enough understanding and support

[Darrelrivers]

So DH and I have been trying for a 2nd since our DS was one (2years ago) my desire to have a 2nd is no less than my desire to have my first. But people have so little sympathy and support for secondary infertility despite it apparently being more common than not being able to have another child. The NHS won't help (I've been told our trust won't even carry out a lot of tests as that might be seen to be helping us conceive), people think you should be grateful if you have one (which of course I am but doesn't stop the overwhelming desire for another). Adding to the pressure of infertility is my DS constantly asking for a baby, fertility drugs causing hormonal outbursts whilst trying to look after a 3year old who doesn't understand. Forced into child related activities constantly with no breaks from siblings/pregnancy. Even adoption is much harder as you can't have siblings, very restrained by age and most of all have to think about impact a traumatised child would have on DS. Aibu to think people should be much more aware of secondary infertility and not constantly asking when you're having another because having just the one is so cruel.

When my daughter (IVF) asked (and asks) about a sibling, I tell her the truth. Not everyone conceives easily and we had a lot of scientific help to create her (she thinks it's cool she grew in a dish outside me for a few days) and that we're bloody lucky because some people didn't even get to have one child. Funnily though, she gets it and doesn't go on about siblings. Have you tried being honest with your son that it isn't just a case of asking?

Difficulty conceiving your 2nd, 3rd, 9th whatever is hard, and I have sympathy for that.

But honestly, it's limited and I would be putting NHS resources into it. If you're on fertility drugs, you don't need NHS help.

I personally see a difference between those struggling to conceive a second who didn't have an issue with the first, with those who did. Those who did seem to accept it more - probably because they feel a lot luckier to even have had the first.

It is hard when you want a second and it hasn't happened - but there really are worse things.

I expect that's not as sympathetic as you'd like, but I will never have a second now (IVF first time, too old now) and I really do think it's not the end of the world.

Worried so sorry about your miscarriage. Unfortunately people just don't seem to understand the had one but can't have another. I would really like to see the issues round secondary infertility brought to the fore so people would understand that a lot of only children are not only through choice

What about if you want a third and can't, or a fourth? Life is full of unfairness and not getting things we want. Don't wish your child's life away thinking of what might be, make the best of what you have.

It is very hard.
I think people often have an ounce of sense when it comes to not asking women without children when they are going to have one (not all I know, but many). Whereas if they see you with a child, they assume that means you're fertile and feel entitled to ask about your plans.
If the posters who insist on comparing this to primary infertility would like to search active threads, you could find a few from women who've had miscarriages and go on and tell them at least it wasn't a stillbirth?

You want more awareness and understanding and for it to be brought to the fore... how much do you personally want to be a part of that?

When people asked when we were going to have babies, I said

"Actually I had a miscarriage last year. We've tried since but as that conception took two years, we're actually having tests at the moment"

After my IVF daughter was born and people asked about number two I said

"Actually X is an IVF baby, and although the miscarriage before her was a natural conception, that took some years trying - so I don't know if a second will happen for us"

This helped in two ways - it raised awareness generally, but on a personal level I really never suffered repeated questioning.

Same as I explained with my daughter - she doesn't go on about a sibling because she knows there's more to it that her wanting one.

Thank you Darrel

It took my 10 years to conceive first DS and I have never had a child without fertility treatment.

When trying to get pregnant with DS 2&3 I took the attitude that if it happened it was really nice but if it didn't, it didn't really matter because I was so lucky to have one when some people had none. I knew the absolute paralysing fear of being childless without choice and being forced into a life I'd never wanted and in a lot of ways excluded from society.

I don't think that secondary infertility is worse than primary infertility, no. But I do feel desperately sorry for you and DS because you are missing out on all the happiness that what you do have could bring because you're dwelling on something you don't have.

You're throwing away something that could bring you so much joy (DS childhood) by focusing on the wrong thing. Perhaps you should look at counselling? I think you need to try to make a concerted effort to try and change how you think about this and be more positive. Focus on what you have.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but really you're just harming yourself here because you're missing out on so much happiness and pleasure with DS because you're hankering after something else.

My brother and his wife had secondary infertility. They have a 10 year gap in their children. Conceived with chlomid eventually.

It does seem harsh but funding has to be prioritised.

If I was able to have one child I would be the happiest person on the planet. I've been trying for over 10 years. I'm sorry you are struggling to have a second but from my perspective you've been trying for 5 mins and already have one. Of course the nhs's limited resources should be going into people who are struggling to have their first.

The chances are I'll never have a child, and that's something I will have to live with. There is every chance you will be successful.
I'm sorry my message sounds so harsh. I'm sorry you are clearly feeling low. I recommend you book some nice trips away or plan a special holiday (If you can). Throw yourself into other aspects of your life...enjoying your kid, a new hobby, decorating, training for a marathon. Anything that you can achieve/ enjoy that you have control over. That's really helped me.

Also, maybe you'd benefit from some good counselling.

I hope you get pregnant soon. I have known friends having similar struggles. Such tough times.

It's true though, comparing levels of pain doesn't really help anyone but having a bit of perspective might.

jesus, these type of threads make can make me RAGE with anger as it brings in comments from some real insensitive shitheads. wannabe WTAF. for someone who ttc for No. 2 for 6 years, you have a fucking short memory. and you are on the other side of the fence anyway now as you successfully HAD another child ffs so you have NO idea how it feels as you have clearly forgotten to have made some of your fucking comments. i have reread op's thread and at NO POINT did she say that the pain of not having a second is as bad as not having one at all. i am the first to state that not having a child when you want one is NOTHING like the pain of already having one and wanting another. it must be terrible beyond words to long for a child and not be able to have one at all. and as for your enlightening comment about not believing a child can naturally want a sibling . what a load of bollocks. i am lucky as my dd never wanted one and still doesn't however, i have known of many children who have longed for a sibling due to loneliness and have nagged for one even as young as that, not always anything to do with a parent putting the idea into their head. can't believe you don't get that. i cherish my dd and dwell on how lucky i am to have her probably at some point every day and she is 13 not three however even at the ripe old age of 51 i still have an ache in my heart for the space in our home that will never be filled with another child, nothing to do with not appreciating what i have. i probably dwell on what i have and how lucky/blessed i am more than the average women. i can't turn off my longing, if it was that easy i would, i don't enjoy the ache even though it is buried most of the time as i am far too old to have another child even if a miracle were to happen and i have experienced miscarriages so i know the pain of that too.

I think counselling is a good idea. For me, Dc1 was quick with us but dc2 took another 3 years & being plunged into family life my yearning for another was greater than my yearning for a first, even though I was delighted to have ds.

I've always tried to be happy with my lot but have just very recently admitted to myself that I'd love another (3 miscarriages in last few years). I've had guilt about being 'too greedy' for wanting another, whilst other mums I know assume they'll have another, work for a year & then get pregnant & repeat. That sense of entitlement riles me, but I can only imagine the pain for someone who hasn't been able to have a child to see others seemingly getting it easy.

I agree it would be better to raise awareness for anyone who is or has struggled to conceive to speak about it openly, however for most of us that is easier said than done but perhaps with practice we can make these small changes. I hope things improve for you Op

Crikey wannabe that was harsh

YANBU.

Imagine if someone announced their easily achieved second/third etc pregnancy and the response was 'why couldn't you just be happy with the one you have??' It would cause an argument. I don't know why people struggling to conceive receive so much criticism - talk about kicking someone when they're down.

fwiw i don't think that nhs treatment should be given to someone who already has a child. on a different note, i also don't think that people should tell someone else how to feel. you can tell someone who is in agony with back problems not to stress about it as they know someone who is suffering from a terminal illness, it ain't going to make their back hurt any less as you don't live your life through someone else's nightmare. it is not a competition as somone with no child is clearly in a far worse space however, someone else will be living with their own pain just different

Op I have two children and I absolutely can imagine how hard and devastating it would be to feel your family incomplete.

I think its sad that people have to come on and tell you to get over it and point out that it could be worse. I mean seriously that is true of anything. People hurt when they hurt ...it doesn't need to be compared with other grief.

Op anytime you want a child and it isn't happening, it very very hard. It's impossible to try behind your own back, so the constant cycle of hope and disappointment is bound to wearing.

You can't compare two slightly different types of pain - they are both so painful.

And yes, I think you're right that people don't understand, but it can be hard to understand it when you've been lucky. I had my first two easily in quick succession and it wasn't until years later TTC #3 with DH #2 (and getting nowhere) (who didn't have his own) that I even really understood what 'TTCing' meant, or why you'd need to temp etc.

I hope you get some luck

fwiw i don't think that nhs treatment should be given to someone who already has a child.

Why on earth not? It should be at least based on whether the patient has DC, not the partner.

Darrel I'm very sorry, it must be very hard. I have a good friend in your position and although they have now accepted that they will only have one it was a grieving process.

I'm assuming that some of the harsh responses are from people who are struggling to have a child at all and I understand that as it took us a long long time to have our twins.

However the paint mine feels not being able to have any does not negate someone else's pain at not being able to have more. It's not top trumps.

It's just rubbish all round.

to everyone.

OP - it is horrible being in the midst of people announcing pregnancies seemingly everywhere. At the moment, you really are in the thick of it & that will continue I'm afraid for another 18mths or so. And then look around at those with only children & you will realise that there are more than you think. And, if you know them, tales will gradually come out about secondary infertility, mother having crippling PND after first child & not wanting to go through it again, mother suffering from labour complications which mean that mentally or physically she can't have (or face having) a second.

Some people are heartless really. Grief is not comparable.
OP many people don't get secondary infertility and the pain it causes. Sitting next to the third person that month telling you they're pregnant again... people cooing over a baby. All part of your daily life, you are never more exposed to it then you are currently .
Never having a child I imagine is extremely painful and rightly so NHS resources go to these couples as a priority. This does not discount the OPs pain though.
If anyone is rude enough to ask me why my ds is an only I tell them...soon shuts them up.

just i meant the women, if the women already has a child, i made no reference to the partner. i am talking about the women, if she has already had a child then i don't see why the nhs should be funding treatment for a second. naff all to do with what the partner may or may not already have from a previous relationship

I work with a girl who has had numberous IVF all failed she would love the opportunity to have one child as difficult as it is for you there are people out their that never get the opportunity to be parents

Jessica and what does that mean for the OP then? That she should just turn off her feelings?

If someone posted that they lost a parent would you say "well some people have lost both" - no of course you wouldn't.

No but I think it's a different type of pain than someone who will never experience the feeling of carrying and holding a baby in their arms. Being at work and people announcing their pregnancy but been unable to carry a baby herself. At least OP has experienced the joy of having a child this individual has been told she most likely will never be a mum. Although it's hard that OP is struggling she can take comfort that she's been able to have a child some people don't get that chance.

just i meant the women, if the women already has a child, i made no reference to the partner. i am talking about the women, if she has already had a child then i don't see why the nhs should be funding treatment for a second. naff all to do with what the partner may or may not already have from a previous relationship

But it currently works both ways. Women are routinely refused fertility treatment on the NHS because their DH had a child by a previous relationship even though they have none.

And yes, in our case, DH was refused andrology services for male factor infertility because I have DC.

I still can't quite imagine being the childless half of he couple in that scenario. It must feel very unfair.