Aibu to think suffers of secondary infertility don't get enough understanding and support

[Darrelrivers]

So DH and I have been trying for a 2nd since our DS was one (2years ago) my desire to have a 2nd is no less than my desire to have my first. But people have so little sympathy and support for secondary infertility despite it apparently being more common than not being able to have another child. The NHS won't help (I've been told our trust won't even carry out a lot of tests as that might be seen to be helping us conceive), people think you should be grateful if you have one (which of course I am but doesn't stop the overwhelming desire for another). Adding to the pressure of infertility is my DS constantly asking for a baby, fertility drugs causing hormonal outbursts whilst trying to look after a 3year old who doesn't understand. Forced into child related activities constantly with no breaks from siblings/pregnancy. Even adoption is much harder as you can't have siblings, very restrained by age and most of all have to think about impact a traumatised child would have on DS. Aibu to think people should be much more aware of secondary infertility and not constantly asking when you're having another because having just the one is so cruel.

Love song so desperately sorry for your losses. I hope you have plenty of support around You must be in a constant roller coaster of emotion. I think it's even harder when the first time around pregnancy and birth was so traumatic you always have a feeling next time will be better so you have that hope dashed too (speaking as another special care mum too - so yes I really know how lucky I am already). I don't think what you say is unreasonable most of my health stuff has been covered by private healthcare but now I need the nhs (bupa doesn't cover fertility) having paid into it for years then refused even tests is a bit of a kick in the teeth. But they have limited funding I suppose I would rather that money go to help someone with cancer, but I think some of the priorities of the NHS are wrong!

I'm 40 weeks pregnant with my first baby, conceived through IVF. This is likely to be the only baby I ever have and I certainly do not think it's cruel to have just one. We were given a 26% chance for our one and only go on the NHS to work. Most couples have that chance every month. We had one chance. Of course, we were extremely lucky that it worked and I am so grateful that I have been given the chance to be a mother. The thought that it may never happen was just utterly horrid. I know a previous poster said that the longing and pain for a second isn't any less than that for a first is completely wrong. The thought that you may never become a mother at all is all consuming and heartbreaking.

A good friend of mine has been through IVF twice and it has resulted in failure. It is unlikely she will ever be a mother - to hold her own baby and get the chance to do all those things that even those mothers with ONE child get to experience.

I think that you should be grateful for you do have. If you can't be content with one child why don't you look into paying for your treatment? IVF at my clinic is about £6,000 including drugs. It is right the NHS will not fund treatment for multiple babies. It should prioritise those without children. As you can see, we were only given one opportunity for it to work. Some trusts offer three rounds; some get none at all.

I remember a great saying: Do not waste time wishing for what you have not when what you have now was once all you ever longed for.

Osirus many congrats on your pregnancy. Hope all goes well with the birth. As you can see from previous posts I am extremely grateful for my son. We both nearly died during birth (which up to then was low risk/midwife led idyllic situation etc) and he spent the first few weeks of his life in special care and me in intensive care. So yes I am extremely grateful we are both still here and he is my world. However, being grateful for what you have doesn't stop a longing for something else, having a great relationship with your partner doesn't stop the longing for a child. Having one child doesn't necessarily stop your longing for a sibling to change the dynamic of your family.

I think the thing you have to remember with people suffering secondary infertility is they haven't had the experience of primary infertility. They haven't been trying for years and then lost their miracle pregnancy and wondered if they'd ever be mothers. So to them it feels like the longing is as strong because they don't have that comparison to work from. They're not the same thing, but because no one has ever been through both they're not comparative.

I have weird feelings about it all. Having had ongoing fertility problems before we conceived DS, I got pregnant naturally on the first month of trying for our second. If it had happened the other way around I'd have had such a different experience of motherhood. I'm actually having difficulties accepting I'm pregnant this time. The midwife said, ' so this is your third pregnancy?' And I just thought, no, not me. I'm infertile.

It can be just as painful when the number of kids are mismatched.

My husband wants a child. His 1st and only, but my 6th. I can't talk about it as people see that I have kids and tell me I am lucky, but they seem to forget my husbands doesn't and it hurts him deeply to know he will never have a child of his own. He is the infertile one. He has Erectile Dysfunction and retrograde ejaculation.
We can't have fertility treatment on the NHS because I have kids.

We can't really afford it privately.

Anyway, It hurts to know my husband will never hold his newborn and it makes me sad that I can't do anything about it for him.

Infertility, no matter what type, sucks.

I'm going to echo what others have said on this thread but please do not think I'm not sympathetic to your cause. As someone who has experienced primary infertility AND not having the opportunity to go on the NHS (DP has a child from previous relationship so we automatically become ineligible), we had no choice but to pay £6,000 for private IVF treatment.

If you are desperate to have another child, save up and go to a private clinic - if your first or second or third IVF rounds fail, or you have no embryos to freeze, save up another £6,000 and try again. We made HUGE SACRIFICES and set aside the equivalent of a home deposit to fund our IVF and make sure we had contingency money if the first round failed or something went wrong.

The NHS is not there to provide you with multiple babies and quite rightly prioritises couples who have no children (but even then, the eligibility comes under very tight rules. Another point to note is the wait-list in our area is 2 years. That's on top of having TTC for 2 years+)

Solomandaisy, lots of people have fertility problems trying to conceive their first, and then more problems for the second - I don't know why you'd assume that that can't happen?

Iggi Of course that happens! Given the years I spent immersed in the infertility world it would be bloody amazing if I didn't know that. I assumed I would be one those people. Why would you assume otherwise? But secondary infertility is where you develop fertility problems after having your first child. At least, that's what I've always seen it used to mean.

Ah I see what you mean. I assumed that any fertility problem involved with a second (or subsequent) pg was secondary infertility.

Yes that is what I meant

Tinysalmon (and the numerous other people who can't read the question) I have never stated that the NHS should fund IVF I think they should pay to find out what is going wrong with your body though. It is more about people's attitudes as more than adequately shown by this thread that you have no right to grieve a loss because some people think that grieving for a longed for child is not allowed if you already have one child. Com

Darrel people who have not been there will never understand.
Its not about the money paying for treatment it is just the general lack of care and understanding, be grateful you have one (insert random person) can't have any.

It is about the dream of completing your family just not happening. And grieving for the child that hasn't happened. Especially to couples with no issues getting their first it comes as a major shock.

I don't think YABU at all

I think what is unreasonable is that people don't talk about this subject enough, in a supportive way.

I have two wonderful step-children, who I love and adore who live with us. My DP and I have been trying for a year, I have had 6 miscarriages

I have been told I should be grateful I have children in my life - which I very much am grateful for, I love them to pieces, but I also want to add to our family.

If the desire to have a child is there, it's there and it's an awfully lonely thing to go through when it doesn't happen. I don't think it matters if it's a first/second/third or tenth

You have every right to grieve a loss of hope or a loss of a "potential" child when going through miscarriage. You equally can feel the pain and frustration of not being able to get pregnant after having a child.

It's the not getting answers that hurts and confuses, but sadly as I have learnt sometimes you never will understand - but I am as I am told very regularly in the less than 1% who experiences what I'm experiencing

I hope OP that suddenly it happens for you and you get the support you need

I know exactly how you feel OP

can I just ask what is meant by secondary infertility? I was told I had this when trying to conceive DD (only child) I had problems but after tests there was no reason they should have stopped me from conceiving naturally therefore they put it down to 'secondary infertility' ie unexplained infertility. From reading here it seems secondary infertility term applies when one cant conceive after already having done so before. I opened the thread expecting a different scenario.

I would have to agree however that yes if left to nhs it is difficult to deal with. Going private not as bad as you can have unlimited tries. It can be difficult for a lot of reasons. Perhaps the need to give the child a sibling is strong so they are not alone as children or adults. I also agree that you should not compare grief as its a solo thing.

"The NHS is not there to provide you with multiple babies and quite rightly prioritises couples who have no children"

I find this comment shocking.

The NHS is there to deal with health issuesincl mental health not to provide anyone with anything. Secondary infertility the same as primary infertility are health issues that very often can be resolved with the right treatment. And yet we are told that these health issues are lifestyle choices and shouldn't be funded. The NHS should of course be property funding all such issues as is done in most other countries. The fact that this is not done is to do with shameful underfunding. The result is what we see on this thread, awful comments such as the above, accusations of greed, as if there is a god given number of children the NHS should be finding fertility treatment for. There isn't, these are funding choices and in our country infertility provision on the NHS is horribly patchy & in some cases non existent. Please let's not attack each other as to whose treatment is more 'justified' and let's jointly push for better healthcare.

More posts that illustrates negative

osiris, it's great that after your problems you are having a baby, congratulations, but your post is insensitive and lacks empathy - to suggest that OP and others experiencing secondary infertility should just be "more grateful" because they have one DC others have none. What a crummy attitude. Would you also suggest this to a depressed person? With diabetes? Someone with no DC due to infertility, or having no partner, but with health and wealth? Someone who had DC1 after fertility problems?

It's a misnomer that fertility problems necessarily make people more appreciative of what they have or better able to handle the mental health aspects of any future problems with fertility or other things. That's both unrealistic and dismissive of other parents' love and appreciation of their DC and good fortune. Fertility problems put us more at risk of mental health problems, even those of us that are lucky enough to have DC.

plenty of people experience infertility both before their first and any subsequent DC.

LilQueenie Secondary infertility is infertility (explained or unexplained ) after already having a child.

Going private not as bad as you can have unlimited tries.

Only if you can afford them. Many people can't afford one try let alone unlimited tries.

Liqueenie
Unexplained infertility - Lady is producing eggs, tubes are clear, Man is producing plenty healthy sperm. But something isn't working but we don't really know what. It can be caused by hatching issues, implantation issues, hormones not supporting pregnancy.
Primary - lady who hasn't had a child.
Secondary - lady who has had a child so she knows things can work. But for some reason it isn't.

I have to admit that I've always thought that people with secondary infertility should be grateful for Already having a child, however this thread has made me a lot more sympathetic. I've never voiced this opinion though! This comes from me having primary infertility and since diagnosis I've always said I'd be thrilled to have one child, I'm currently waiting to find out whether my fifth IVF has worked.

Sadly the NHS is so stretched, I think fertility treatment will be cut even more soon.

Thank you for making me think about this, I wish you well.

I think if you want tests, you need to pay for tests.

The NHS can't be expected to fund everything. You do have a child, a having a only child is far from uncommon these days.

None of my children have ever asked for a sibling so I imagine the thought has been planted there for a 3 year old to be constantly asking.

None of my children have ever asked for a sibling so I imagine the thought has been planted there for a 3 year old to be constantly asking.

Has it ever occurred to you that not all children are the same.

"I think if you want tests, you need to pay for tests."

One more example of completely insensitive and mean comments. I wonder whether this attitude should be extended, according to this poster, to people suffering from all sorts of other health conditions! For some reason which infuriates me, infertility is seen as different.

Flipper Skipper I'm glad you have developed an understanding (more than some others on here) and I sincerely wish you the very best in your IVF. Fingers crossed

To the person who said "None of my children have asked for a sibling" could that be because you popped them out to order so they don't remember life without a sibling? Clearly you have more than one child.