Aibu to think suffers of secondary infertility don't get enough understanding and support

[Darrelrivers]

So DH and I have been trying for a 2nd since our DS was one (2years ago) my desire to have a 2nd is no less than my desire to have my first. But people have so little sympathy and support for secondary infertility despite it apparently being more common than not being able to have another child. The NHS won't help (I've been told our trust won't even carry out a lot of tests as that might be seen to be helping us conceive), people think you should be grateful if you have one (which of course I am but doesn't stop the overwhelming desire for another). Adding to the pressure of infertility is my DS constantly asking for a baby, fertility drugs causing hormonal outbursts whilst trying to look after a 3year old who doesn't understand. Forced into child related activities constantly with no breaks from siblings/pregnancy. Even adoption is much harder as you can't have siblings, very restrained by age and most of all have to think about impact a traumatised child would have on DS. Aibu to think people should be much more aware of secondary infertility and not constantly asking when you're having another because having just the one is so cruel.

As for the NHS they are limited with budget restrictions of how many times IVF can be offered to couples meeting the criteria also depending on where abouts in the UK someone lives.This can be the same for particular cancer treatments aswell.. So I can understand why they have to have certain restrictions although I don't see why they couldn't at least do tests to confirm what is preventing pregnancy.

As for a three year old asking for a sibling.... confused I never understand where that idea comes from unless someone actually puts it in their head. No child is desperate for a sibling. Especially not at that age...

Actually, 3 is exactly the age when children start to ask for a sibling. It's the age when they start to want things that their friends have, and they will see other kids at nursery excitedly welcoming a baby brother or sister. It's the age when they are fascinated by babies and family relationships. It's the age when they can articulate their feelings and their hopes, and the age where they will talk about the same thing day after day. To the person up thread who said the OP should "get a grip" on her DS asking for a sibling: what a silly thing to say.

OP you have my sympathy. Don't give up hope

I have an only. She did go through a phase of wanting an older sister which clearly was not going to happen. She certainly didn't constantly ask for a baby. Is that really true, or you projecting your desires onto your son?

I wanted another. It didn't happen. But, do you know what, it's OK. I've come to terms with it and learned to be happy and, yes, grateful. I do worry about her in the future, coping with us old gits and being on her own when we die but she has cousins and aunts and uncles and good friends and hopefully, in the future, a partner and children of her own.

We got the odd insensitive comment from people (always women) who thought we were being cruel to her condemning her to life as an only child but actually at least half our friends only have one.

It's difficult to see all this when you are in the middle of it, as you are, but this stage will pass.

It's not a competition of whose situation is worse ffs, you don't get points for being the hardest done by. Secondary infertility is a thing and it's hard, because you have one child does not lessen the overwhelming need for another.

I experienced secondary infertility after having my first very easily, we tried for 2 and a half years for our second whilst all around me my friends popped out babies with ease. I was being treated by a fertility clinic and was literally on the verge of having Ivf, I had the money saved and everything but thankfully I conceived our fab little girl naturally in the end.

However I vividly remember the hurt, the pain, the lack of understanding and the insensitive comments. I do also think you should at least get some treatment on the nhs, I had clomid, scans and a hsg all on the nhs.

No but I think it's a different type of pain than someone who will never experience the feeling of carrying and holding a baby in their arms. Being at work and people announcing their pregnancy but been unable to carry a baby herself. At least OP has experienced the joy of having a child this individual has been told she most likely will never be a mum. Although it's hard that OP is struggling she can take comfort that she's been able to have a child some people don't get that chance.

Op knows what people minimising her pain sounds like Jessica. What's with the demonstration?

The pain with secondary infertility is different but that doesn't mean it's lesser or not painful for the person suffering. Comparisons are not helpful.
The thing the OP says about the adopted child affecting the birth child is absolutely spot on and something that anyone going through the process has to think about repeatedly and in depth. Most adopted UK children will be traumatised and deeply affected by the physical or emotional or verbal or sexual abuse they have suffered - therefore adopted parents need to parent differently to properly care for them. The children will test boundaries and may physically and verbally attack members of the new family until they feel secure and attached. Which may take years. Adoption is not a cure for infertility.

A very honest post OP.
I just can't stand 'just the one then' comments. 'Yes, first was IVF and then 4 rounds of treatment and many MCs later we are still at one.' is how I respond now.
Also to the person who didn't get why a 3yo would ask for siblings. Mine did on repeat for ages until I actually explained that it probably wasn't ever going to happen. She even had full on 'but I want one' jumping up and down tantrums about it.
It breaks my heart not to have given her a sibling.

Your longing really comes across in your post OP, I'm so sorry that support isn't their for secondary infertility. Your point has been completely proven by this thread, people tripping over themselves to tell you to be grateful with what you've got. I don't think it's comparable, it's like telling someone whose lost an arm to be grateful because some people have no arms - why must we compare one heart break to another? I hope you get baby no. 2 OP.

OP, in the nicest possible way, I think you need to get a grip. Being unable to have a second child is completely and utterly different from being unable to have children at all, and while it can be very hard to deal with, the NHS resources are finite.

My dd is now 11 and I have accepted that she will never have a sibling. It certainly wasn't how I planned things, and sometimes I do worry about what will happen when we're older and she's alone, but that can happen to people with siblings too. What I do know is that I don't want to ruin the childhood of the amazing child that I do have by focusing on the sibling that never materialised.

Yes, it can be hurtful when people lecture you on having "a brother or sister" did your child, but they're just being thoughtless. I rarely get asked these days.

It's possible to have one child and be a very happy family, but not if you focus all the time on what's missing. And there are advantages to having one child that we're now beginning to see. Do I still feel regret that I wasn't able to have another child? Occasionally, yes. But I won't let that define our family and neither should you.

Thanks for the kind comments that people have made its comforting to know some people do understand I think it's one of those things you need to experience to understand fully or have a great deal of empathy skills. But I wish people would read the question. At no point have I said secondary infertility is worse than primary infertility. It isn't, but raises many other challenges. As others have said comparing grief and turning it into a competition is stupid. Should we say to someone who can't have children to get a grip
At least they haven't got a terminal illness ? No of course not! Everyone is entitled to feel the way they do. Unfortunately as shown on this thread many people dismiss the gut wrenching heartbreaking pain of secondary infertility and seem to think you aren't entitled to grieve just because your situation isn't as dire as someone else's.

I don't think the op has said that not being able to have a second is like not being able to have any.

You have my sympathy op. I have a son who was conceived through rape. My wonderful dp has raised him from day one on his own. Although I am blessed to have my ds. I would love to have a baby with my dp and give ds a sibling. I have genuinely had someone call me lucky for being raped. That "many people would love a child no matter how they were conceived" and that I am lucky it happened "at the right time". I love my ds but that does not mean I am not allowed to want a second.

It is rude of people to ask anyway when they have no idea what you are going through. for you

fratelli I would assune those people were just trying to find the good in it as a way to help you.

Thank you. I hope so. Some people are insensitive whilst meaning well I suppose!

Exactly. People look for the positive and without being in that situation themselves would have no idea what is the right reaction.

Of course you're entitled to feel what you feel, just don't let it consume you. It's so easy to focus on the child you haven't got instead of the one that you have, and that way lies misery.

Perhaps I sound harsh, but I really don't mean to be. I've been there. I grieved for the child that I lost as well as the children that I was subsequently unable to conceive. I grieved for the fact that my dd would never have a sibling. I grieved for the family that I had imagined.

But we owe it to the children that we do have to get over that sense of loss. I don't want to give my dd the subconscious message that somehow she wasn't "enough". She is amazing, and I'm lucky to have her.

Am very sorry you went through all that fratelli,and had people say those awful things too.

And OP I'm sorry about your situation. Might you find counselling helpful? I did.

This thread illustrates some of the crap opinions that people experiencing infertility, and secondary infertility, have to deal with.

Deep sadness or depression isn't cured by counting blessings or understanding that others have it worse. It's just not that simple and that kind of opinion is basically just criticism of the person who's struggling.

It's also a misnomer that people who have one DC after fertility treatment somehow "get" how lucky they are so don't pine for more. Women who have had fertility problems and have DC remain at higher risk of mental health problems in comparison with those who had DC with no fertility problems.

Broken biscuit it's good that you managed to handle your feelings, but not everyone is able to do so. It can be a mental health issue.

And suggesting that if people need to "get over it" and "focus on the DC you have" is criticising their parenting, which most of us don't appreciate at the best of times! unhelpful.

100% agree with you dozer

I have 8 years and two losses between my eldest and youngest. DD 2 was a chlomid baby conceived on round 6. I used to fume when women with 2 and more used to say I should be grateful for one.
Fertility drugs are shit and will make everything feel worse. The website Fertility Friends has a secondary infertility forum which is very supportive.
I'm sure you're doing everything you can but I found that really getting to know my cycle helped a lot eg temping, cm, measuring luteall phase. Don't expect most people to understand.

Dozer, I'm not criticising the OP's parenting at all. And yes, I understand that infertility can lead to mental health problems and if this is the case for the OP, then I would urge her to seek professional help.

As the child of a mother who was utterly consumed by regret, I have strong feelings on this subject. I wish that my mother had got the help that she needed to learn to manage her regrets so that they weren't my constant companions.

But I accept that my comments may not be helpful to the OP, and if they have been hurtful, then I can only apologise. My point was to suggest that we can, at least to some extent, choose our response to what happens in life.

Any infertility is heartbreaking but it is only right that resources are used for people who haven't been able to have any children over those that have.

That's what it comes down to for me. So sorry you are struggling though OP

I'm with broken. I disagree that you can't compare grief either. You can feel very sorry for someone who has gone through the trauma of a transplant, but that doesn't really compare to the grief never finding the right donor would bring. I think primary and secondary infertility are very similar in that way.

It is very sad. However in this case one of the saddest things about it is that the OP seems to be missing out on the joy she could be having with her current child (taking him out and seeing him play with other children, socialising with him) because when doing these things she's dwelling on a sadness about something which may or may not happen in the future.

And yes, as someone who has faced the possibility of never being a parent it does make you very, very sad that someone is cutting off their nose to spite their face because they won't get to rexperience something that to some extent they're throwing away with the child they have.

Not to say the OP shouldn't grieve, but grief is something that can be dealt with and ultimately rationalised and certainly reduced, particularly with the right help.

I know people on this thread think they're being kind by supporting the OPs position without quibble. But really I wonder if someone lay on their deathbed what they would prefer their biggest regret to be? Not having a second child, or themselves and their child missing out on the happiness of that child's childhood because it was spent grieving for someone who never existed?

Yes there will be sadness involved, but it's absolute madness not to do what you can to mitigate it. Because then not only may you not have a second child, you will have missed out on so much happiness with the first.

Wow, some harsh responses on here, bloody hell. Op, yanbu to feel so crap and I hope you haven't been made to feel wrong here for experiencing the very natural desire to have another child.

To the pps who were able to not mind if subsequent children happened for them - good for you but having such a perfect, unruffled take on life doesn't happen to everyone.

It is offensive to suggest because someone wants another child, they are not grateful for their first, and precisely the problem op is talking about, leaving her feeling further isolated because apparently her feelings aren't valid.

Op I have been there (both primary and sec) and it sucks. No harm in admitting that. In both cases I began to be honest when people asked and that helped and I also hoped helped others in the future as the person may then think twice before badgering!

I really hope it happens for you but what you feel us normal and valid.

I have a good article talking about SI - will see if I can find

I feel really sad for you op, it's difficult not to have the family you envisioned. I am sure you are grateful for the child you have already got but that doesn't make it easier when you fear that you'll not be able to provide future support for them. Remember that there are a great deal of only children out there who are absolutely fine without siblings and have many other sources of support as their parents age. Does your dc have cousins?

Nevertheless some people cannot have one child and for them they are struggling to get the joy that you have from one. These people should be prioritised by the NHS.

Here it is. Its about loss too but still relevant to how you're feeling. bigtroubleinlittlenappies.com/infertility/word-loss/

Ps - I also think NHS treatment has to be prioritised to those with no children, but isn't the op talking more about lack of investigative tests? These should surely still be available buy think it might vary depending if GP is willing to refer.