Aibu to think suffers of secondary infertility don't get enough understanding and support

[Darrelrivers]

So DH and I have been trying for a 2nd since our DS was one (2years ago) my desire to have a 2nd is no less than my desire to have my first. But people have so little sympathy and support for secondary infertility despite it apparently being more common than not being able to have another child. The NHS won't help (I've been told our trust won't even carry out a lot of tests as that might be seen to be helping us conceive), people think you should be grateful if you have one (which of course I am but doesn't stop the overwhelming desire for another). Adding to the pressure of infertility is my DS constantly asking for a baby, fertility drugs causing hormonal outbursts whilst trying to look after a 3year old who doesn't understand. Forced into child related activities constantly with no breaks from siblings/pregnancy. Even adoption is much harder as you can't have siblings, very restrained by age and most of all have to think about impact a traumatised child would have on DS. Aibu to think people should be much more aware of secondary infertility and not constantly asking when you're having another because having just the one is so cruel.

My just turned three year old asks for a baby. I don't see why that's so unusual. OP for you. It must be so difficult for you. Especially when others around you are so unsympathetic to secondary infertility.

I was terribly lucky and conceived my eldest 3 stupidly easily within 6 years. Hardly any 'trying' involved at all. I was even one of those people who planned 'winter' babies so as not to be too enormous in the hot summer months. I had not the slightest clue about how it must feel to struggle to conceive. I probably would have tried to understand if i knew someone who was going through it, but i didn't (early 20's) and it just wasn't on my radar. I might, if pushed, have even had the opinion that fertility treatment should not be on the NHS at all.

Fast forward and i'm trying to conceive with my second husband. His first, my fourth. Four years which began as a happy ''Yeah, lets just give it a go and see'', but after a bad loss around the one year point turned into .... ''God help us we can't think about anything other than replacing the baby we lost and if we can't then this is going to be hanging over us forever and DH will remain childless and i'll feel guilty forever and I am now spending every waking hour researching infertility and concentrating on m ovulation patterns and my cervical mucus and crying when i have to go down the nappy isle and when my new SILs are getting pregnant'' . We decided not to go down the tests and IVF route because, in our own twisted hell, we were afraid of 'blame' if it never worked out on top of everything else. That was just us. We got our miracle in the end after three years of trying and trying and trying - just pure luck that one month. I was half bonkers by then though, and our marriage had been strained.

My point is (i'm getting there) it's wrong to try and make sweeping generalisations about another persons feels. Even if you have or have not been there yourself. Feelings around fertility aren't logical. I know that now (I cringe at my 20 year old self. Blissfully ignorant.) Infertility at any point is so painful and it can drive you batty. We should all believe a person when they tell you they're in pain, not minimalise it or make it into some kind of competition. I would NOT like to be the one who makes the decisions about how to spend the NHS budget, i know that for sure!

Maybe the seed got planted by a best friend who is having a brother or seeing an aunt with a baby in her tummy, children's tv programmes who almost invariably show siblings or maybe you children don't ask because they have them (shakes head in utter dispair at yet another instance of Darwinism not at work!)

I'm joining the thread just to respond to the only child/lack of sibling issue. I am an only child to a single mum. I never longed for a sibling as a child. I may have asked about babies as a toddler, but that's not the same. I have seven older cousins, and that was plenty of family interaction as far as I was concerned (and sometimes too much). The idea that only children will be miserable through lack of sibling is really not universally true at all.

Equally I know from close family that siblings can make each others lives hell, and that this can last into adulthood. Some of my adult cousins would quite happily have nothing to do with their siblings ever again, if that was possible. The amount of sibling related drama we have been through with various cousins of mine could fill a year's worth of Eastenders episodes, easily.

I'm not attempting to take away any of the pain many of you are going through, but just want to say that only children can have a happy childhood and fulfilling friendships. I would have been quite upset as a little girl if someone had suggested that my existence is somehow inferior and could be improved by a sibling. Thankfully, no-one in my family or friendship circle ever said such a thing.

We should all believe a person when they tell you they're in pain, not minimalise it or make it into some kind of competition.

THIS.

So pleased you were lucky and got a happy ending Laiste

Three year olds aren't potatoes. They are often bright and observant and questioning.

And when many of their social circle (friends, cousins, kids at nursery) are getting younger siblings at the age of 2-3, it's unsurprising that they are curious and want in on the action.

DS started telling us he wanted a sister when he was 4 before his third birthday. We were lucky enough (after a long period of trying but not as long as many here) that he got 50% of his request in the shape of DS2.

Saying kids couldn't possibly develop these ideas themselves seems a bit bonkers.

My three year old often asked for a sibling (specifically, a brother). At the time I was having recurrent miscarriages and it was so hard to hear him.
Fortunately, my treatment worked and we had ds2 - ds1 denies having every wanted such a thing now!
What I am meaning is that although a small child can ask, they won't necessarily remember it or that it was a big deal in their life. I think my pfb would have been just as happy with a dog tbh... but I would not.
Best wishes to everyone going through this.