Aibu to think suffers of secondary infertility don't get enough understanding and support

[Darrelrivers]

So DH and I have been trying for a 2nd since our DS was one (2years ago) my desire to have a 2nd is no less than my desire to have my first. But people have so little sympathy and support for secondary infertility despite it apparently being more common than not being able to have another child. The NHS won't help (I've been told our trust won't even carry out a lot of tests as that might be seen to be helping us conceive), people think you should be grateful if you have one (which of course I am but doesn't stop the overwhelming desire for another). Adding to the pressure of infertility is my DS constantly asking for a baby, fertility drugs causing hormonal outbursts whilst trying to look after a 3year old who doesn't understand. Forced into child related activities constantly with no breaks from siblings/pregnancy. Even adoption is much harder as you can't have siblings, very restrained by age and most of all have to think about impact a traumatised child would have on DS. Aibu to think people should be much more aware of secondary infertility and not constantly asking when you're having another because having just the one is so cruel.

Blimey. Let's hear it for the sistas....I do notice a nasty oneupmanship among infertility/conception problems. Surely it's unhelpful to compare types of pain even if they are associated?

I think there is a lack of sensitivity around infertility generally. People struggle to understand how hurtful their insensitive comments can be and often take a "you should be grateful for what you've got" attitude - whether this is about a nice home/good relationship in the case of primary infertility or an existing child in the case of secondary infertility.

I do think within this there is a definite lack of acceptance of how difficult secondary infertility can be - as evidenced by this thread. I'm not saying secondary infertility is worse than primary infertility at all, but I do think that some people who would be sensitive to primary infertility feel the right to make hurtful comments about secondary infertility.

I also think men often get completely lost in infertility. The pp's comment about how how treatment should only be paid for if it's the woman and not the man who doesn't have children, is unfortunately fairly typical of some of hideously insensitive attitudes towards men. Are we really saying that men don't yearn to have a child the way that women do? That they don't grieve at infertility the way that women do? That they aren't as deserving of a child as women are?

In my case, my secondary infertility is DP's primary infertility. I have DCs he doesn't. He always grew up longing to be a father, dreaming of the day he'd be able to hold a baby in his arms. Why should this matter less because he's a man and not a woman? He is completely and utterly grief-stricken and this grief is just compounded by attitudes that suggest that this shouldn't matter as long as the woman has experienced having a baby.

I apologise I haven't read all the posts but have read quite a few. I am very sorry OP that you are struggling and I hope things work out for you.

I am speaking as the only child of someone with fertility issues - I used to ask about siblings at a young age but accepted that I didn't have any fairly quickly. You don't know any different as a child and just accept your family life for what it is, normal for you, so while I fully understand why you would like to give your child a sibling, they will be just fine without one. Speaking from the same perspective I would also say that you only get this time with your DS once, I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings at all or suggest you stop ttc but please don't forget to enjoy the times you have at the moment or you might suddenly find you've spent the most exciting years of his childhood in your own bubble of feelings and forgotten to fully appreciate what you do have.

As I said, I'm not trying to minimise your own feelings, just put a different perspective.

Billsykes. I have to say I found your response the most offensive on here. I do a lot with my son despite it being difficult at times and he feels v loved and secure. In fact we do a lot more with him than most families as leaving him to play with siblings is not an option so therefore he gets a lot more from us. As a parent I put his needs over mine. At least I have the ability to empathise with others and won't be bringing my son up to be cold and unable to understand others feelings. I will be bringing him up to care about others and understand their needs. Obviously not every parent is in a position to do the same!

Grief is not something that can be 'dealt with' as just a decision, as some here very insensitively are implying. It is something that hopefully can be overcome in time but has to be experienced and allowed.

OP I feel for you. The comments you have received are completely insensitive and are a good reflection of the responses people with infertility have to deal with routinely. Justifications of the appalling lack of NHS care. Grief comparisons and minimising. Awful.

It is also perfectly possible to grieve and be in pain for the child you don't have and at the same time be very responsive to the child you do have.

I hope that you find peace in time or that you alternatively manage to have the second child you wish for.

Yes, billsykes, how do you know what the OP's parenting is like? Why assume that she's somehow not up to scratch in caring for her DC because this problem is, understandably, upsetting her? That's rude.

IMO there should be more debate about use of NHS and public resources. I would personally rather taxes pay for fertility treatment for more people (including those with DC) than for, for example, the Queen and royal family or some of the non means tested benefits that all pensioners get, including the wealthy. The "postcode lottery" is also very unfair.

Haven't read the whole thread OP, but can I suggest counselling if you haven't already had it. Whether or not you have another is largely out of your control but the impact it has on your life is something you can do something about. I haven't had any problems with infertility, but do have a severely disabled child & I found counselling really helped me deal with the unfairness of that (any of these big life events are unfair) and come to terms with my grief.

I'm an only - my mum wanted 6 & ended up with only me. I used to talk about wanting siblings but I wasn't really that bothered tbh. Not sure if that helps!

You can make contact with specialist fertility counsellors via BICA - bica.net/

OP, I think some posters are being either deliberately or unconsciously obtuse on this thread.

Of course secondary infertility is painful. It is painful to not feel your family is complete when all around you other women are conceiving their second and third children. When your DS asks 'when am I going to have a baby sister/brother Mummy like my friend?'.

I think this thread evidences why you fee there is often little support or understanding for secondary infertility and why it is so tough to talk about.

devil that's a really helpful post thanks. It's always good to hear how only children see the situation. I've had counciling before about an unrelated issue but didn't find it that useful tbh. Maybe I'll look into giving it another shot thanks

A lot of the replies on this thread demonstrate exactly the OP's point. I guess she should've posted elsewhere on the site rather than the bearpit that is AIBU. I've seen more support for parking issues or annoying neighbours than secondary fertility.

I think it's an easy but often inaccurate assumption to make that the OP and people like her are throwing away what they have in pining for what they don't. I have eight years and three consecutive miscarriages, out of a total of 6, between my dc2 and 3. I did go through a period of grief during the mcs. I knew all the time that I was very lucky to have the two I did have, I enjoyed them and I loved family life. But the grief was still there too and needed dealing with rather than denying. I have a good friend who went through secondary infertility for a long time and I know how sensitive she was to the potential impact of the situation on her eldest and to minimising that. It's not either constant cheerful gratitude and stiff upper lips or constant wailing grief and shutting out the rest of the world to ruminate on what hasn't been. It's perfectly possible to be out enjoying an afternoon with dc and other parents and still to feel a stab at the pregnancies and questions. To come home and think 'well, that was a lovely afternoon' but still need a little cry.

Any fertility problems are shitty. It's just a grim, miserable thing and there's basically nothing anyone can say to make it feel any better. I'm assuming you didn't have any problems conceiving your first child? I did, took four years. After we eventually got him, we didn't even try for a second for years, because I know what the infertility rollercoaster is like and I didn't want to waste a second of his early years worrying about 'only' having one when I know we are very lucky to have that. You need to find a way to step back from it. If this might be your only child you need space to enjoy it. There are counsellors who specialise in infertility.

Oh and OP - yes to devilish - I know many very happy only children, and think there really are strong advantages to having one (time, money, resources, freedom...).

It was me that told the OP to get a grip, and I have apologised if this was offensive to her, but believe me, I have absolutely been in the OP's situation - indeed, I have lived with it for the last 10 years, and I understand it is very painful.

But if I'm honest, I wasn't helped by the sympathy of others, or by society's view that having one child is some sort of tragedy, by the received wisdom that only children are somehow terribly unfortunate because they don't have siblings. These perceptions made me feel much worse and led me to dwell on things for much longer than I might otherwise have done.

I now realise that having an only child is not a tragedy. My dd is just as happy as an only child as she would have been with a sibling, and for all the positives that sibling relationships might bring, there are many advantages to being an only child too - and my dd can see those advantages herself. She gets more time and attention, fewer financial and logistical restrictions on what she wants to do, and she isn't defined by comparisons with siblings. She isn't the stereotypical "lonely only" either - she has great social skills and loads of friends.

I get that it's incredibly hard to come to terms with secondary infertility when you're longing for another baby, but I think the only way to deal with that pain is to try and look at things another way.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I can see how bloody awful it must be.

I've had recurrent miscarriages and now can't get pregnant - we've been ttc for 2.5 yrs, I am 38yo and I am in terrible emotional pain ( I cope and try to enjoy life but my situ is dire). I have nothing but empathy for you.

My friend/colleague has secondary infertility after having her first with no problems. When I lost my my third preg at 13 weeks and 4 others on our team announced pregnancies within a couple of weeks, she used the old 'comparison is the thief of joy' and 'accept that life isn't fair' on me. Unsolicited I may add. Those are very hollow words for someone in my situ.

I basically think insensitive arseholes are everywhere. Ignore them and focus on your own little team of support (hopefully you have one?) to get you through.

I wish you well and hopefully, in the not too distant future we'll be on the other side of this - with our much longed-for families.

Op I am in your boat, trying for over two years. GP reluctantly referred me for tests but advised hospital might not do them, did do an ovulation test as needed blood test for something else anyhow.

My DD talks about brothers and sisters, she talks to herself pretending that she has a sibling.

My longing is as strong now as it was pre DD.

Blimey. Let's hear it for the sistas....I do notice a nasty oneupmanship among infertility/conception problems. Surely it's unhelpful to compare types of pain even if they are associated?

Quite. And people feel differently even about identical circumstances. All feelings are real and valid.

Don't go and read the latest BESH thread whatever you do, it's even worse than this one.

What's BESH please?

It's all very well to say we shouldn't be comparing grief but if you're saying that the NHS should be funding treatment then you have to do some comparing, as there's only a finite pot of money. I can think of a couple of scenarios off the top of my head that are (to my mind) harder than secondary infertility which don't get NHS funding for investigations.

YANBU. I had recurrent miscarriages after my first child and remember how painful it was constantly being surrounded by pregnant women and having to explain to people why I hadn't had a second child yet. For some reason it doesn't seem to occur to many people that you might be having fertility problems if you have had one child.
Some of the posters' comments here are so ignorant. So what if primary infertility is even worse? Would you tell some who had been diagnosed with breast cancer that it could be worse because they could have pancreatic cancer?? The comments about "enjoying what you have" are even more stupid. Do they think that if you have a child you should never grieve or be unhappy about anything again because then they wouldn't be enjoying what they have. Talk about piling on the guilt.

It's all very well to say we shouldn't be comparing grief but if you're saying that the NHS should be funding treatment then you have to do some comparing, as there's only a finite pot of money.

I think that OP is just asking for tests to find out what is wrong rather than expensive treatment.

OP. I totally get it.

I feel your pain OP. We have been trying for a sibling for 6yo DS for 5 years. It doesn't mean we don't know we are lucky to have him and let his childhood pass us by, those responses are bizarre. I think there are many many painful things in life where support is lacking and you have to seek out your people - for example there are threads on here about secondary infertility that I have found supportive. It's hard to be surrounded with expanding families when you are inexplicably not getting pregnant after conceiving easily before.

I am not denying the pain of those who don't have any children, this is different but still painful.

I have no problem with the fact that ivf is not available on the NHS if you have a child, but I recognise that I say that from a position of being able to privately fund treatment.

After one mc three years ago I am pregnant with hopefully #2 after ivf. I wish you all the best in completing your family.

The NHS has a limited pot because we underfund it, while insuring we bail out banks and buy plenty of arms.