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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we can afford to have a baby on our income?

211 replies

LeilaBell · 30/05/2016 10:50

DH and I have been talking about starting a family for some time. We both want to start a family, but we disagree on the timing.

DH says we possibly couldn't afford to have children in London on our current income, so we should wait until our salaries hopefully go up in a few years.We both feel ready for a baby but DH thinks our income in London is not enough to start a family, while I think we would be just fine.

Our household income (two earners) is nearly £70k a year, we have no mortgage/ rent (inherited a two bedroom property) and no debt. On top of that we aren't big spenders, so we have a good amount of savings for maternity leave/ emergencies.

I think that given our income we can afford at least a baby (if not two!). Perhaps I think so just because I am naive and I don't realize how expensive babies/ children are?

AIBU to think we can afford a baby already? Are children so much expensive than I think? Is having children in London only for the millionaires nowadays?

OP posts:
HackAttack · 30/05/2016 16:31

I'm confused as to why this is goady? I have a mortgage and dh and I pull in just under 50k annually and yet I don't feel distressed by this post. So op had some housing luck, doesn't bother me :/

PerpendicularVincent · 30/05/2016 16:37

I completely agree, Hack.

Anyone, irrespective of financial circumstances, should feel free to ask questions without getting accused of being goody.

PerpendicularVincent · 30/05/2016 16:38

Or goady even

HackAttack · 30/05/2016 16:40

Exactly, I'm sure there are people way richer than me on here, doesn't mean they don't ever need advice, for goodness sake. This thread as made a lot of mumsnetters seem like bitter, jealous bullies.

prettywhiteguitar · 30/05/2016 16:51

If your dh wants to give your child the lifestyle he received as a child he's going to find it very hard doing so in the creative industries, would he look at finding a more lucrative career path ? Otherwise you will never be earning enough to satisfy him.

prettywhiteguitar · 30/05/2016 16:53

Check out Private school fees and cost up prep and secondary, that will give him the reality of the costs. When he realises its out of reach perhaps he will think again.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/05/2016 16:59

Come on, you can hardly argue that it's a sensible question.

Even by London standards, 70k is way above the national average household income. How does OP think millions of other families manage to raise their children on, for example, less than a third of what her and her husband earn? Surely it's pretty obvious that affording a child when you earn that much money and have no housing costs is doable? Confused

Valentine2 · 30/05/2016 17:02
Valentine2 · 30/05/2016 17:02

Grip Grin

JemimaPuddly · 30/05/2016 17:05

OP I get what you're saying as in London your combined income is reasonable but not high. Not a stealth boast- but myself and DO earn a combined wage of £125k and with London living and our lifestyle could afford a child but we would have to change our lifestyle dramatically. My DP is reluctant to do this yet. He wants to earn more so we can still have a nice lifestyle with a child. He like your DH was educated at a top end private school and will flat out not consider anything other than that for a child. So therefore on our income we probably couldn't afford a child just yet.

It won't stop us in a couple of years time but ideally we would be earning more before we started a family.

I don't think your DH is hiding behind this as a reason for "not wanting kids" I think he doesn't want to take the hit to your lifestyle just yet at 28 he's still young and probably doesn't feel ready.

RaaRaaTheLion · 30/05/2016 17:07

I'm bringing DD up on 26k a year and rent is £750 of that a month...I think you'll be fine Hmm

Original poster
LeilaBell · 30/05/2016 17:09

Obviously we can "afford" to have a child in terms of feeding and clothing a baby while providing a roof over our head. We would not starve, granted.

I think my DH's concern is: can we afford to provide a good lifestyle to our future DC? How much are we willing to compromise financially on our lifestyle?

OP posts:
JemimaPuddly · 30/05/2016 17:12

Well you can afford to feed, clothe and house a child and probably one foreign holiday a year- great.

What you can't afford is to privately educate your child, luxury exotic holidays, skiing, full time childcare/ nanny.

You and your DH decide what's important to you and go from there. Of course you can afford a child, there are additional luxuries you can't afford. You two need to decide if they're non negotiable or not. Simple.

Original poster
LeilaBell · 30/05/2016 17:12

It won't stop us in a couple of years time but ideally we would be earning more before we started a family.

This is exactly what I mean ^

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincent · 30/05/2016 17:15

But something that may be obvious to one person isn't to another, and no one should get to decide what is or isn't an acceptable question.

70k is an excellent income, but not a fortune in London. You can easily afford a child OP by the sounds of it, although nursery/childcare fees are extortionate and will involve cutbacks to your current level of saving.

You have to decide how much you want a child and how much you are willing to cutback.

JemimaPuddly · 30/05/2016 17:18

Yes your DH sounds of a similar mindset and background to mine. I am happy to wait a couple of years as I'm a few years younger than mine and also not quite ready for children yet so it's not an issue.

If I were in your shoes and keen to get on with it I'd probably try and put a timescale on it so we had a year (for example) to save and make ourselves as financially secure as we could and then go for it. The fact you have no mortgage to pay off and own a property outright in London is pretty fantastic though in terms of finances.

Is it a savings issue with him? Does he want £xx amount before having a child? Or do you think it's timing?

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2016 17:20

I was going along with you and being sympathetic until I read the bit about your DH inheriting from parents etc eg property.

Do you think maybe DH doesn't want DC yet because he thinks you'll stay home not working bringing up kids whilst you live off his inherited income from the properties? It's easier to get divorced and split assets with no kids...

This has happened with friends of mine - married for money...

JemimaPuddly · 30/05/2016 17:21

SuperFlyHigh

Of the OP's DH was worried about her intentions and motivations he wouldn't have married her surely?

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2016 17:22

Oh and your incomes aren't vast don't kid yourself I earn what you do as legal pa.

My DB and his wife are ttc she's on 36K his income is not regular as contract and he's in film business just starting out, they plan to manage and she's saved 30k by herself alone, she has a mortgage on their flat, they rent out a room now.

MyBreadIsEggy · 30/05/2016 17:22

Leila I don't think anyone is under the impression that you think you can't afford to keep a child alive, ie clothe and feed him/her and yourselves. You and DH just seem to have different ideas about what a comfortable upbringing will be in comparison to lower income families.
For example, I'm a SAHM, DH is the sole earner. There is no question that our children will go to state schools - there's no chance in a million years of us being able to afford private school fees. We have one modest family car, we do our grocery shopping at Aldi, we have never been on holiday in the 6 years we've been together - we budget down to the the last penny, so that we can afford one family day out a month and maybe a new toy for DD and a takeaway as a treat for me and DH.
There's no way you will be able to give a child the kind of upbringing your DH had on your income, but you also won't have to budget to the degree that my family has too. Unless your DH is willing to compromise, then you will just be going round and round in an endless loop.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2016 17:23

Jemiima I'm thinking he's had 2nd thoughts now, I know of one friend who has a kid with her DP yet he called her a gold digger when they split for a while... Hmm

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 30/05/2016 17:25

RaaRaa unless you're in receipt of tax credits and/or don't need to pay child care, that's a very small amount. I'm not having a pop, but I would seriously struggle on that salary. I could pay the bills and feed us, but nothing else.

Op, I think you've been given a really hard time here. Yes your combined income is good, and your housing costs very low (not quite zero though - you have upkeep and management fees) but you're not exactly mega rich.

Yes you can afford a baby now. No you're husband isn't unreasonable in wanting to wait. The only warning I'd make is to be wary of him constantly postponing, until in 15 years time you realise he was never going to 'let' you have a baby in the first place. This happened to me, albeit over having child two.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2016 17:26

I also used to work for a divorce lawyer so our clients sometimes would state that their wives married them for money, one even said his wife didn't work and spent all his money (their money really) on shoes!

PerpendicularVincent · 30/05/2016 17:32

So the OP is now a gold digger? Really?

Original poster
LeilaBell · 30/05/2016 17:32

Jemima I think DH is mainly concerned about our careers. He knows that with a small child we would both shift our focus on family for a few years (we intend to share the childcare evenly). That potentially means negotiating WFH some days a week, or perhaps working PT 4 days a week, or asking for flexible hours or even just having to take time off to care for a sick baby. All these things are not exactly compatible with advancing in one's career. I think he wants to grow professionally as much as possible before entering that "family focus" stage.

OP posts: