Left out

[ChickyDuck]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

SeaWitchly I've had a very similar thing happen to me, except in this case we were told that the whole day was 'family only', only to discover when the photos went on Facebook that it was actually 'family and some friends'. Like you say, it's the lying and lack of thought for your feelings that rankles, not the lack of invite. I've distanced myself from my 'friend' too.

Why do people put things on Facebook when they are knowingly excluding people? It's so bloody ignorant and insensitive. I know someone who makes a habit of this yet gets really upset if it happens to her or her kids. Some kind of power trip I guess. DD wants a small, exclusive party this year but even I'm surprised at a couple of the kids she wants to exclude. Feel a bit awkward about it tbh. However, it is her party, her choice and she's old enough to make these decisions. I normally do post pics of the kids' parties but won't this time as I would hate to hurt anyone.

I think the FB thing is because these people are spectacularly self absorbed. They really believe everyone is totally fascinated by them and can't understand how someone as marvellous as them could possibly be excluded from something.

I spent years feeling like I didn't really understand how to make friends and maybe people didn't like me. When I stopped worring I made the friends that I have now and find it easier to then make new friends. Maybe it's a situational thing - finding likeminded people. Maybe it's being more relaxed so friendships form more slowly and feel easier. I don't know but everyone on this thread sounds lovely so don't give up on making friends

That's exactly how I feel Lilac. Can I ask at what age you felt you started being more at ease with yourself and others?

I was talking to a mum a years or more ago and I already liked her for previous chats. She said she didn't have many friends - neither did I. I said "I'll be your friend" like a little girl. And we are. I don't have many friends but have found some new non judgmental ones. I'm just pleasant and not overly chatty about me or snoopy. Take an interest in their children. DD is 7. And guauge if they have space for more friends in their life. If not move on. Dog walking is great for friendships. If I had neither the school gates or a dog, classes in something - evening or exercise, neighbours.

Innocent it was mid 30s when I realised that I genuinely had started to form some friendships that could last. I had friends before but it felt more casual and more of a 'I work with you so I socialise with you' type situation. They weren't lasting friendships. It was around this time that I noticed that I was invited to things, but also I found my DD acted like a social passport so gave me confidence to talk to others about their experiences. I have one friend from school, but we caught up properly in our 30s and so it wasn't a consistent friendship.

We moved lots before I turned 8 so I was used to friends being short-term and my parents were fairly isolated people so that probably didn't help!
My STBXH liked me not to socialise without him, but was unloving and I think getting away while he was at work and opening up to others was what helped build friendships. Looking for individuals or small groups who are open to friendship is easiest, e.g. new people to your area with similar hobbies...running, photography, pilates, library groups. Be happy in yourself too as you'll have more to say and it'll be positive. So much easier to say then do and sometimes I'll go for a week or so trying not to speak to friends as I go through 'cold' phases where I want to have emotional space and doubt that anyone really likes me (prob due to still processing STBXH behaviour).

Thank you Lilac. I'm still digesting/mulling, but just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you taking the time to answer. Your manners are much better than mine!

So sorry it sounds horrible.
I wouldn't go.