Left out

[ChickyDuck]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

'I'd appreciate it if at least one of you could contact me and just tell me straight if I'm being deliberately left out of the arrangements to attend (event). As this is the third time I've been excluded, I'd like some honesty rather than being gradually frozen out. Thanks.'

The organiser this year is actually one of the left-outs from last year! And yes, we meet up a few times a year but this event is the main big one that everyone always comes to. No altercations as far as I know! I know some people within the group are closer than others, but it has always been like that. I'm not sure who if anyone (aside from the organiser) knows who has and has not been invited, but my close friend confessed that she knew I hadn't been.

OP, I think your message is well pitched. I can't see how you have anything to loose by sending it.

I know it's not much consolation but it could just be that there is one person in the group that doesn't like you and that everyone else is lazy and spineless. - Not being liked by one person is more palatable and more likely than everyong not liking you.

Sorry xpost.

Being left out is awful- get a glass or two of wine down you this evening.

I agree that its likely that one strong character is making group decisions. To purposefully exclude someone with shared history from student days is horrible behavior and you're best out of it.

Distract yourself with better friends and do the things you enjoy doing.

I really appreciate the MN sympathy by the way. I knew this was the place to come to cheer me up. I've been sat listless at work and barely done anything all afternoon!

In that case I'd contact the organiser and ask her why she left you out? Remind her that you were all left out together last time and say you're pretty hurt. Can she let you know why you were deliberately excluded?

How mean. I hate it when adults behave like they're still in the playground. Yes, it's hard to be honest, but much kinder than just freezing someone out until they get the message.

I like Thora's message more than my own!

Whatever the outcome, it sounds like you will be able to take the mature, honest course of action. I would always prefer the uncomfortable truth rather than confusing school yard antics.

Yes, me too readingrainbow!

good luck op, it's horrible being left out, we've all experienced it.

friendships change over time, no matter how much we sometimes hold on to them, sounds like it's time to move on, it's part of growing up.

I would use OurBlanches message too - kill or cure

Oh no, that's horrid OP

A similar thing is happening to my DS, but he's only 8. In fact the teacher is going to do a whole circle time tomorrow about not excluding friends. Your 'friends' should know better.

I think you should send OurBlanches message too.

Ok so to ascertain what the true situation is, I have messaged the organiser being like "hey, so I heard you made plans without me, what's going on there?" but in a very friendly and pleasant way. Depending on her response I will then send a version of Ourblanche's message to some or all of the group. Sound good?

what is a message going to achieve though? you'll either get no response or a half arsed wittering on about how it wasn't intentional oops so sorry pththt message. they'll continue freezing you out or even worse, make a pretend effort but you know their hearts aren't in it.

if i were you i'd book myself into the nicest hotel you can afford, go along and super enjoy yourself and don't give those berks the time of day.

there are nice people out there who wouldn't dream of doing this sort of shitty thing.

oh. cross posted...

Ha, I may of course also choose that course of action. Thing is I don't really want to cut all contact with the whole group if it is just a small number of ringleaders doing it!

urgh, how horrible for you. I can totally see why you are feeling down about it.

whatever the reply, I would not be in contact with any of them for the moment. see how long it takes them to get in touch with you. esp the so-called close friend. to misquote "it's called a break up because it's broken", when I choose my friends, I tend to go for the ones who don't arrange things with mutual friends and leave me out!

She will know... and can then make other arrangements if she wants to attend the event. And she will be able to consign them to being ex-mates and pillocks, rather than wondering what, if anything she may have done wrong, was it me, did I do something, etc.

Stoic silence is massively overrated. Sometimes you really do just have to speak out!

ok still go. still book into lovely hotel and enjoy wonderful facilities. catch up with nice friends of group and keep distance with berks. see if you can glean more intel about gang leaders. perhaps you can form splinter group with nice ones.

Team Splinter may already have been used....

Yeah I'm not feeling especially stoicly silent! What I'm going to do now is go home and eat a large quantity of toast with butter AND peanut butter, and then go and do a massively hard exercise session so I'm knackered and too tired to think about it any more tonight! And so I feel less guilty about the peanut butter...

If DP has finished the peanut butter I might have to kill him though...

I think it sounds deliberate too. Very horrid for you OP.
I agree call them out on it. You don't have anything to lose by doing so and you will feel better than just slinking away.
One thing that occurred to me. Maybe a stab in the dark but perhaps one (jealous) person is behind it, either the organiser or your "close friend". A similar thing happened to my sister at sixth form stage. She took a level options that weren't popular so she didn't get as much day to day contact with most of her year as her "best friend" did. After her social life became very quiet and people were giving her the cold shoulder she did some digging. It turned out lots of invitations to parties, nights out, lunches etc were being channelled through BF who hadn't been passing them on, jealous of her popularity. (These were the days before mobile phones and social media! ) so people ended up thinking she hadn't been bothered to show up or respond .... could this be true? (I note your friend confessed she knew you weren't included. Why didn't she say anything to you, to organiser or both? )