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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Left out

209 replies

ChickyDuck · 24/05/2016 15:11

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

OP posts:

TwoLeftSocks · 25/05/2016 22:26

Finally got my peanut butter. No way am I mixing it with marmite though, raspberry jam all the way.

Glad you got a response from your friend, I wouldn't hold your breathe on a reply from the rest of them.

Waltermittythesequel · 25/05/2016 22:41

But in the group message was there never any reason about why you were being left out??

It's just weird.

Lilacpink40 · 25/05/2016 22:43

You now have freedom and space to try new groups out and make genuine friends! If the group's that 'cliquey' everyone normal will be squeezed out over time until a few really bitchy women are left. You'll have moved on by then!
I've made most of my longterm friends after university (none from uni) all from interests and life 'similarities' like hard work DCs
You honestly sound so lovely and normal so their loss!!
(Love peanut butter and jam!)

PhoenixReisling · 26/05/2016 07:05

Chicky you are well rid of these infantile bitches!

In regards to your friend, I would have felt the same as you. Anyone can make a mistake and she proved that she did indeed ask why you were being left out. I imagine she felt awkward (and little cowardly), so didn't quite know how to broach it with you.

I would go to the event, drink champagne and stay in a very naice place overnight.....as I would expect them to think that you wouldn't attend because of their behaviour.

Oo does liking snickers count in the we love peanut butter camp?

Original poster

ChickyDuck · 26/05/2016 09:30

Oooooh snickers!! Haven't had one of them in yonks!

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 26/05/2016 10:26

Have just had peanut butter on toast with a banana on top. No butter.

Chicky, they are going to be too cowardly to answer I suspect but I am sorry you have been treated so badly. My best friend met a new group of friends a number of years ago and held a party she didn't invite any of her old lot to, including me. We were so upset and confused. Recently she said she was ashamed of how she acted but her new friends were all high earners with no children, like her and her DH at the time and unlike us. She just didn't think the group would fit at the time and had more in common with new friends (who she doesn't see now incidentally - are friendship survived her being an arse).

It could just be you have outgrown them, you may not have done anything wrong as such. They have behaved badly though and i know what a horrible feeling it is to be left out. If your friendship with best friend is good it can be salvaged.

TwoLeftSocks · 26/05/2016 14:49

OOh, can you imagine toast with a snickers on top popped in the microwave for a few seconds and the melted snickers spread all over. Might save that for a day that even gin can't save.

Original poster

ChickyDuck · 26/05/2016 15:04

Oh my, socks, that's positively rude!

OP posts:

whyayepetal · 26/05/2016 16:15

Hi OP - I am pleased that you at least know what's been going on now. Your friend is very lucky to have a friend as strong as you, and hopefully some of your strength of character will rub off on her. As for the group - I agree with pps who have suggested that jealousy is at the root of whatever the "problem" is. They might grow up...... one day. In the meantime, enjoy the event (or do something else) in the company of whoever you please, and have a fabulous day.

I have only one issue. Peanut butter. Seriously? Inedible gunk - please never spoil toast with it

TwoLeftSocks · 26/05/2016 17:28

I now have in mind a melted bounty bar on a cinnamon bagel. Just need to start a trendy back street cafe and this time next year we'll be millionaires!

whyayepetal · 26/05/2016 17:34

YY to bounty and cinnamon bagel!

TwoLeftSocks · 26/05/2016 17:35

Dime bar panini.

Original poster

ChickyDuck · 26/05/2016 18:53

Oh my, so many wonderful combinations of confectionary and baked goods!! I'm thinking Ferraro rocher focaccia? The sweet and salt would set of each other beautifully AND there is the Italian connection!

OP posts:

HardleyWorthit · 26/05/2016 19:09

I may have missed this and apologies if I have but has there not been any indication as to why you were excluded?

dowhatnow · 26/05/2016 19:13

A dignified silence is best now I think.

MrsFrankRicard · 26/05/2016 19:16

The reply from the organiser was barely in english but it does sound like there was some sort of a reason, I would need to find out what their fucking problem is! Then obviously cut them off as who wants 'friends' like that?!

TwoLeftSocks · 26/05/2016 19:48

Oh yes, a Ferrero Focaccia sounds very nice indeed.

Tandia · 26/05/2016 21:56

I'm very late to the thread but just wanted to say you sound lovely OP and having been on the other end of something like this I really feel for you.

Mine was my NCT group, which went from meeting weekly for about 4 months after our babies were born, to suddenly not at all. 3 of us continued to get together - having no idea why the others had ditched us, until one day we saw the others together! The only thing that made me feel better was how lovely the two I remained friends with were - if they were ditched too then at least I was on the right side of the split! I hope that you can maintain the only 'real' friendship you have in this group.

Oh and YY to peanut butter and marmite! (With butter)

Atenco · 26/05/2016 21:56

I think you are right in forgiving your bf. We all have faults and people can be so easily intimidated. I imagine that there are more in the group who disagreed with you being excluded but didn't say anything.

I have had friends like that and they are still my friends. I don't have one friend who is perfect, to tell the truth, which is good because I'm not either.

innocentinfamy · 27/05/2016 03:15

OP have had this as long as I can remember. Same Janecc & Zaurak always on the periphery, the after thought or blatantly frozen out.

I've done plenty of soul searching too, both privately & with a counsellor. I genuinely don't know what I'm doing wrong. People just don't seem to like me

A few years back, I chose to walk away from a group of so - called best friends after a ridiculously long series of nasty/bullying events (not all directed at me, but all equally shitty). One of these girls was literally my life long best friend (30+years). In the end, I just wasn't prepared to compromise my morals in order to "belong"

It has hurt way more than any breakup I've had.
I then cocooned & isolated myself & have been like this since. It's left me bruised & diagnosed with severe anxiety & depression. I rarely leave the house if I can avoid it, but I'm still glad I did it.

I have honestly tried to meet more genuine people, clubs, classes etc. People are friendly but I can't seem to get past the aquaintances stage.
I can't fake being someone I'm not in the hopes of tricking someone into liking me/being my friend.

Most of all though, I'm worried about the impact seeing all this may have on my teenage DC's who will both be away in the next couple of years.

Sorry about long windedness. I maybe should have started a thread of my own instead of jumping on yours Chicky
I hope you can move on and continue to keep your head and standards raised.

I will now stop moaning and get to what can surely be the only real reason for this thread!

Peanut butter and butter on granary toast

Peanut butter and Jam no butter on white bread (not toasted obvs)

Peanut butter and butter on one slice of toast
marmite and butter on another slice of toast
maintaining alternate bites throughout
Can never decide which bite to end with though.

However all butter on toast must be real & melted
And all peanut butters must only be Sunpat & crunchy. Anything less is worthy of an epic spoiled brat hissy fit adult discussion on why this is unacceptable.

See, I'm not that difficult am I

Sunshineandwaves · 27/05/2016 04:04

I'm sorry to hear you have been treated this way OP. If it's any consolation to you, this thread has been a huge help to me. I have been given the cold shoulder by a few members of my NCT group for a while now. They have been meeting up and not inviting me. And I cannot understand what I have done wrong. It has had a profound effect on me and I'm feeling very wounded. It has been great to read all the positive messages on this thread. Hopefully, in time I can move on. Thank you mumsnet. Best wishes and enjoy your toast.

Janecc · 27/05/2016 06:42

Innocent you sound so sad. Sunshine the wounds will heal.

You are both unique and value your uniqueness and individuality. There is nothing wrong with you or me or anyone else like us. How people are and how they react to you says more about them than it does about you. Life is teaching you a lesson to go and be with like minded people, who do not try to oppress you and expect you to conform. Be you and blossom like these flowers. 💐

SeaWitchly · 27/05/2016 07:48

I have had a similar situation too.

Recently someone I had considered a friend got married. She told me that only family were invited to the ceremony. We had many discussions about this, to the extent that she was confiding in me that she was afraid of offending friends who might not understand why they were invited to the after party only. I assured her that everyone would understand the situation but emphasised that she would have to be honest with them [she was considering just keeping it quiet].

However when I turned up a little early to the after party [she had known I was doing so but I think had forgotten on the day] I suddenly realised that she had invited her friends [some mutual] to the ceremony and I was one of those 'afterthoughts' along with people she rarely saw [whereas she and I would meet regularly at least once a week] who had only been considered for the after drinks.

Our 'friendship' has never recovered and I just don't see her in the same way anymore. It was the being excluded but also being lied to and not told the truth... It means that she is even less of a friend tbh. She didn't care enough about my feelings and how it would be to turn up to this event and suddenly realise I was on the outer circle.

I empathise OP and have no advice except spend more time with those who enhance your life and less with those who make you feel bad.

innocentinfamy · 27/05/2016 16:46

Thankyou Janecc for you too.
It's a enough to just feel understood

Atenco · 28/05/2016 01:36

Maybe we have all been in similar situations, though I have more been excluded by people who I would have liked to have been friends with, rather than by actual friends. Some friendships, like marriages, are just not forever.

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