Left out

[ChickyDuck]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

She says she did say something to the organiser, but felt to awkward to talk to me about it because she knew I was a bit annoyed about it last year. Apparently by the time she knew and mentioned it, it was too late.

But OurBlanche as stated she spoke out last year and now she finds herself in a similar situation for a second year running?

OP these people aren't friends don't waste your time on them, messages asking why were you left out will likely have the opposite effect on these people. And if they say oh well OK you can come will that make you feel better knowing that they were determined to give you the push? And next year when you are left out again what do you do?

Sometimes some of the hardest things to do in life is to acknowledge that friendships have grown apart, but it's something we all have to do at some point. Me, I'd just let them get on with it, they sound toxic and no way would I enjoy myself knowing that they did not want me there.

I feel for you.

Recently I am just appalled by women's behaviour to eachother, having never really experienced this before. It began with someone who I met professionally but who kept asking me to go for coffee. I thought this meant she... wanted to go for coffee, because I would never suggest coffee with anyone unless I had some interest in it (we do not work in that sort of job). So I say yes, I'd love to meet up, I'm really interested in the work you're doing it would be great to catch up. And two months later? Nothing but a load of spam emails "personalised" to me trying to sell me some new training she's doing. And a woman in a more personal context, who I really went out of my way for personally and professionally and really was there for during a hard time, has just randomly stopped speaking to me. Never had this before. It's just so... silly.

They're not worth it. Life is too short for this shit. But know that you are not alone either. It really is very poor behaviour you've been faced with and it's not you, it's them.

Ah ok she sounds embarrassed rather than guilty.
Yum yum peanut butter!

Mean girls comes to mind...

Yeah I am pissed off with "best friend" but I think she was timid and weak rather than malicious. We have already agreed not to fall out over this whatever happens.

I have to say I would just ditch the lot of them. Keep your dignity, say nothing and just don't go. It's a shame, but I wouldn't feel comfortable at all. People are inexcusable some times, and that includes the 'best friend'.

Focus on your real friends.

2nds Chicky also said that she had put that down to an honest error, as she wasn't the only one left out. This year, the responses she gets, will be what she uses to clear it all up.

And as I said before, Stoic Silence is overrated. It really isn't an upper hand, moral highground or anything. It simple enable rude people to continue to be rude without ever having their rudeness pointed out, to themselves and to others.

Chicky isn't daft. She knows something is going on. This way, with a blunt and grown up message to all, she will be able to acknowledge it and have it acknowledged. And then she can move on. Better to do so with a full stop than a ....

I love how heated this discussion s getting! As long as no one gets frozen out of it of course....

It wouldn't be a stoic silence if she went her separate way and moved on. It's only a stoic silence if she sits back and wait for an answer, yet the answer is already there. Groups of friends do not accidentally leave someone out, it doesn't happen, and if they wanted to explain themselves surely they'd have done that upon realising their 'error'? Life is way too short to hang around waiting on an answer from a bunch of people who don't want you there. And if the BF really was a BF she would either add her into the booking or refuse to go herself.

Best friend has pretty much admitted that you have been purposefully left out then? Awful. If she was any kind of friend (particularly a close one) she should have either told you about it or stood up for you. Personally I don't go about with people who exclude others out of nastiness but you have said she is a bit spineless.
I really feel for you. It's not nice and it's bloody childish. I still wouldn't bother contacting them and showing I gave a shit, but I understand why you feel you have too. I hope they are all suitably shame faced and apologetic (I fear you may get more of a defensive reply though).

She has already mentioned she might not go because she is sick of these kind of playground politics. But she has already paid for the hotel and committed to the group so I can see why she isn't immediately going on the offensive, especially when we don't yet know who/why initiated this.

Your good friend isn't a good friend. There's no way I'd organise to go to an event that a good friend normally came to and 'forget' to include her. Even if someone else was organising, I'd have messaged afterwards to check, or organise camping arrangements or whatever. Sounds like she's being duplicitous to me.

You get this crap from groups of girls anyway to be fair.

OP, remember that on MN some posters will always egg you on for a fight, not a resolution. It's more entertaining for them.

I think you might have to accept that with this lot of friends/cohobbyists you haven't won this time round.

By speaking out you sound as if you really want to force this group of friends to take you on this trip with them. Is that dignified or even realistic? Really?

You're not 5. Forget the losers who cut you out, move on. The only thing worse than not going on this trip would be going on it, after all the drama.

Oh I won't be able to go this time, it's too late now. I just want someone to explain to me how and why this happened, and not lose a WHOLE group of people I thought were friends.

OP, I think they got off the train some time ago.

And that, in the long run, will do you a favour. Pathetic political ninnies, you don't need twats like this in your life.

Entertaining??!!

Sod that! If you mean me, I am doing no such thing. I spent decades putting up with such crap and once I had decided to speak up and acknowledge the behaviour - not how it made me feel - I was able to consign all the silliness where it belonged, in my past, their issue not mine.

Not having done/said anything made me retreat into myself, blame myself for being an unlikable person. The truth was I had a SIL who found me threatening and decided to make sure she removed the threat. The upshot of challenging her once was that we remained unfriendly, but I no longer have to tiptoe round her or wonder what the hell I did wrong.

Are you not supposed to have butter with peanut butter

I think it's one of those contentious issues that polarises people NewtoCornland. Personally I definitely do both, but that horrifies some people!

May I just add you lot have cheered me up no end. Whatever I decide to do I feel much better about it having your advice and support. Thank you so much.

They sounds gutless and spineless, especially the reply from your close friend. Ditch the lot of em.

Good. If it has all brought a smile to your face and helped you come to a decision that works for you

It definitely has OurBlanche. I will let you know if/when the situation develops in case anyone cares.

I'm tempted to start a butter AND/OR peanut butter thread now...