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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out

209 replies

ChickyDuck · 24/05/2016 15:11

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 25/05/2016 10:29

This is really horrible. I actually feel sick on your behalf. It's so hurtful.

I suspect there is a ringleader whom you have offended in some completely unintentional way (you seem so lovely and awesome so I'm betting this is her bad not yours), and the rest are going along with what is frankly bullying behaviour for an easy life. Which is childish and spineless of them! I think that's why she's saying 'Look, what I did isn't as bad, because I just went along with it rather than instigating it'. I am Hmm to that argument.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2016 10:31

See if you were my friend and I knew were being left out.
I'd have told the organiser than you 2 had already booked something without them as they seem to want to leave you out for some off reason.
Then the 2 of you go together!
How difficult is that.
I am Angry on your behalf.

Arfarfanarf · 25/05/2016 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnishing · 25/05/2016 10:39

I know I should have told you before, I wish I had, but I really hoped it would get resolved without my having to hurt your feelings

She's dumping you, but using other people to do it for her. Sorry OP.

Stormtreader · 25/05/2016 10:41

"but I really hoped it would get resolved without my having to hurt your feelings." hmm, this doesnt sound good. To me, this sounds like "there is an issue but I kept quiet in the hope someone else would tell you what it is".

"If you want to come we can speak to the girls and see if there is a way to make it work." Hells no would I be going to them begging to be included in their little group. Go to the event if you want, but dont go with people that have chosen to exclude you.

QOD · 25/05/2016 10:44

What a buncho cunts!

BastardGoDarkly · 25/05/2016 10:50

My bf would have no question, said, ah right, where's bastard in all this?

She didn't want to rock the boat for herself did she?

"I'll be guided by you" she just needs to tell you the problem!?

Yeah, I'd send a group message now, telling them all to stick it up their arse (but maybe in a more grown up way?)

diddl · 25/05/2016 10:55

"See if you were my friend and I knew were being left out.
I'd have told the organiser than you 2 had already booked something without them as they seem to want to leave you out for some off reason.
Then the 2 of you go together!"

Absolutely!

Can't remember if you've said how big a group it is Op, but sometimes not everyone gets 0n & over time it gets split down.

But to exclude one person?

They can't all dislike you!

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 25/05/2016 10:56

I think I'd hold off on the "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" message until I'd found out what the issue is. I'd bet it's something mindblowingly trivial, if there is even a "thing" at all and not just someone needing a victim and you being it.

But even if you never find out what the problem is, please don't give it more importance than it deserves. these people are twats. Could you arrange a fun weekend with your DP for the time the even would be on? Or maybe do one of the things you've always fancied trying but never quite got round to?

Zaurak · 25/05/2016 11:56

She still hasn't told you why though has she? I think I'd be asking her to stop waffling and tell you what the issue is.
Once you know, if you ever know, I'd give these people not a single second more thought. Go to your event. Book the nicest hotel you can get. Enjoy the event.

What a bunch of mean girls. Op, this has happened to me a few times over the years. I'm always on the periphery of a group and never in it. I've stopped trying now 😪 But that doesn't mean you should.

MintyChops · 25/05/2016 11:59

What a load of bollocks! I hate these "crafted" messages. She has obviously spent ages drafting, redrafting and perfecting it and as a result it is....... pretty meaningless. I think I might say

"I'm not even sure what you are saying to be honest. Clearly, I don't want to join everyone if I am not welcome. There is something going on that no-one will tell me about but never mind, if I can't think what it is it must be utterly trivial."

crabbiearses · 25/05/2016 12:08

how ridiculous, so she has just admitted she knew you were excluded and did NOTHING , some friend.

Janecc · 25/05/2016 12:17

Zaurak same with me being in the periphery then dropped a few times. I've done a lot of soul searching and have concluded its my refusal to conform. I don't like bitchy dynamics and disregarding of others feelings and opinions.

LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2016 12:27

By speaking out you sound as if you really want to force this group of friends to take you on this trip with them. Is that dignified or even realistic? Really?

Dont be so ridiculous, I hate the view you see on here to that its always better not to confront people, not to make your feelings known...why? Relationships area cornerstone in life, and managing them is a skill that we develop just like any other skill, why on earth should people be "allowed" to get away with horrible, and down right nasty behaviour etc and you are just expected to "shut up" about it when you are on the receiving end? Thats a sure fire way of our self-esteem being chipped away at, plus does nothing to stop others treating people like shit, they only get away with it because others let them.

Janecc · 25/05/2016 12:41

As you said in the beginning op, this is reiterating that she discovered you had been left off the invite too late ie only once the rooms had been booked. It would appear that she found herself in this situation and is not assertive enough to react. Yes, her reaction is childish and we are all guilty of this at times. The part that is missing here and I don't know if I'm filling in the gap correctly is where she or someone contacted the organiser to try to resolve the situation and get you added to the invite list. (Otherwise, as someone else said, the situation could only be resolved by magic.)

Op you already said you wouldn't fall out with your friend over this and I don't think you can expect her to stop associating with these people because they are/someone is bullying you. Their friendship may be important to her and she may need them more than you.

I would send a general message around to say. "Dear All. I now realise that I am not on the invite to go to X. From the lack of response to my last message, perhaps the general consensus is that I am no longer welcome in the group. I hope you all have a lovely weekend. I shall be enjoying the sunshine. " Something like this shows you to be dignified and that you also have a life way beyond them. No begging or sobbing.

RaeSkywalker · 25/05/2016 12:54

Yeah, if my best friend wasn't on an invite list and I expected her to be, I would say "what about X?"

I'm really sorry but I think your best friend has colluded in this. She knew you were being excluded.

It's a shame they can't be arsed to communicate with you. I'd just delete them on Facebook and move on. Hope you're ok Flowers

FaithAscending · 25/05/2016 13:27

What a load of waffle! I hate when people do this - exclude you then do that awkward Oh well, you know, yeah, it's your problem though really... Personally I would decline a forced invite, how awkward would that be?! I'd be inclined (not saying you should, just this I would!) to reply, No no an don't try to add me. However you have been very vague, could you do me the courtesy of telling why I have been excluded? I'd expect more waffle back and if I got that I'd leave it.

cookiefiend · 25/05/2016 13:27

Horrible OP. The ringleader is probably insecure and the others too meek to not follow. Is there some reason she may feel overshadowed? Are you the first to marry, have kids or achieve in your career? She may be one of those people who makes herself feel by making others feel worse. Sorry your friends have been manipulated in this way. Just message your close friend. Say you understand she wants to avoid confrontation, but you wish she would have told you as now you feel humiliated. You vaulue her friendship and if she values yours she needs to tell you why the group are excluding you. You won't let it affect your relationship with her if she tells you.

cookiefiend · 25/05/2016 13:28

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs there- should have proof read!

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 15:08

I think Janecchas it spot on. The "best friend" has now sent me screen grabs of the organising fb group message. She really did stick up for me and when overruled by one b basically was too embarrassed and chicken to tell me.

Whilst I have told her this is annoying and that I would have expected better of her, there is definitely no need to fall out over this. I see her WAY more than any of the rest of the group, and as she herself said, our friendship is now independent of the group.

So in conclusion, I am no longer interested in socialising with the group, I shall carry on with the friendship outside of the group, and may or may not go and enjoy the event on my own terms, depending what other plans I may have for the weekend it is on!

Thanks for all your advice and support, you are all great (and stopped me storming into the situation and saying regrettable things :P).

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 15:10

(to answer lots of people's questions, yes I have a much more successful career with opportunity for progression and responsibility, and I am the only one of the group to be happily settled with their DP. This may well be a contributing factor!)

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2016 15:19

What did the others say in the messages then about not inviting you Chicky?

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 15:22

Basically just "oh it doesn't matter" and sweeping the conversation along and ignoring her. She really did try to have me included though, that much is obvious!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2016 15:28

Thats horrible, so sorry Chicky, that means it was very much deliberate, whether they are real friends or not (and obviously not!) the thing is you thought they were.

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 15:30

Yeah, I knew we were growing apart, just as you naturally do as life moves on, but I didn't realise it was quite so drastic! At least I know where I stand now, that's the main thing.

OP posts: