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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out

209 replies

ChickyDuck · 24/05/2016 15:11

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 25/05/2016 15:31

What on earth on their problem?! I think you're handling this really well, distance yourself and move on.

Sounds like your friend tried her best. I still think she should've told you though!

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2016 15:32

This may well be a contributing factor!
Without a doubt.
Definitely try to go with your DP or to meet up with your friend.
And really rub their faces it when you do go.
Buy yourself 'champagne darling' etc.... Grin

SquinkiesRule · 25/05/2016 15:33

Have you asked her outright? So what did I do to piss off the other women so they thought it a good idea to exclude me?

Janecc · 25/05/2016 15:35

You're probably just too good for them. Wink

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 15:35

I think she should have tole me too, but she has now had a thorough telling off and apologised very nicely too, so I have decided to let that go. And that sounds like a fabulous idea hellsbells!

OP posts:
diddl · 25/05/2016 15:45

Yeah she should have backed out & asked if you wanted to go together.

Chippednailvarnishing · 25/05/2016 15:50

She really did stick up for me

and then booked to go with them and didn't tell you. That's not my idea of a friend...

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 15:50

No, she had already booked by the time she realised I wasn't part of the invited group.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/05/2016 15:53

But why didn't she get in touch with you when she was booking?

To check as you had been left out before?

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 25/05/2016 15:57

So, given the thunderous silence, am I to assume that, for some unfathomable reason, you have all decided I am, again, not invited? Could someone please do the adult thing: contact me and tell me what it is you have all decided? If it is to cut contact with me for some reason you all know but have neglected to tell me, have the courage of your convictions... tell me!

This kind of message would really just make people want to exclude you, even if they hadn't intended to.

Its probably just that everyone else has closer connections within the group, and you're not particularly close to anyone, so while everyone was contacting each other you got left out of the loop.

Or maybe they just don't like you much.

Janecc · 25/05/2016 16:02

Ops friend acted in the best way she was able at the time even though her actions are now being scrutinised. She sounds like she is not very confident.

OurBlanche · 25/05/2016 16:07

penguin* the point was that the 'friendships' already were lost. There was only 1 that Chicky seemed to want to salvage... which she seems to be doing. That message was intended to be an Call to Adulthood! Not an apologetic plea... which I think Chicky understood, at the time.

CaptainCrunch · 25/05/2016 16:11

Thanks for the updates op. I'm glad you found out your BF wasn't so bad after all, even though I think she should probably not go at all now considering the way they've treated you. She'll probably be next on their exclusion list anyway for having spoke up for you.

It's probably best you didn't go rather than be trapped with them for a whole weekend, spend a lot of money and then realise you were about as popular as rugburn amongst the rest of them.

The old adage about the best revenge is living well should apply here.

Bon chance!

RosieSW · 25/05/2016 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 16:16

Woah, people feel so strongly about this! The "BF" definitely is not the most assertive person, but she is in many ways a great support and a wonderful person to have in my life. The rest of the group I am fairly uninterested in at this point - the poster who said there was only one friendship I wanted to salvage was absolutely right. I'm definitely not going to go with the group, and it would be too late to change the booking now even if I wanted to, but I may well go and enjoy the event by myself or with other people.

Whether the "BF" will go I don't know yet, she did vaguely mention it but she has paid for accommodation and I wouldn't begrudge her (that much!!) if she did want to, it will be great fun.

And by the way I haven't sent that message yet and probably won't. I still haven't completely decided how I feel so we shall see...

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 25/05/2016 16:22

Have you already paid for the event but not the accommodation?

Lunar1 · 25/05/2016 16:22

Have you already paid for the event but not the accommodation?

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 25/05/2016 16:25

penguin the point was that the 'friendships' already were lost. There was only 1 that Chicky seemed to want to salvage*

Seems they were lost well before this event, which is why no-one really wanted to invite her?
But you only have OP's perspective, the other people involved might see the whole thing very differently.

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 16:27

No, I haven't paid for anything yet! The event is mostly free to attend.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 25/05/2016 16:30

Yes, Penguin... as is always the case on MN (other social media outlets are available, and do much the same)... so the suggestion was just that... a suggestion.

I'm not sure why you have an issue with it as it was posted pages ago, has been discussed a bit, others offered up and Chicky has already said that whilst she liked the sound of it, and others, she has not (yet) sent it.

Offer her something else that might help, perhaps!

LanceCorporalJones · 25/05/2016 16:33

Hmm do you know more than you're saying Penguin ?

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 16:34

Please lets not argue about it! The whole point of this thread was that we didn't like people being mean to each other Grin

You are more then welcome to discuss but it must me done with the utmost civility please.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 16:35

*be done, grrrr!!! They really need an edit function on this thing...

OP posts:
KitNCaboodle · 25/05/2016 17:16

Thanks for updating. I'm sorry the rest of the group have treated you so badly. You're being much more mature about it than I would

MintyChops · 25/05/2016 17:22

Very mean girls and spineless to boot! I'm glad your friend DID stick up for you. My guess is she will go this time but never again; either they will bitch about you and she won't want to be around that or they will bitch about her and start to exclude her.

Definitely do the "living well" thing....