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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out

209 replies

ChickyDuck · 24/05/2016 15:11

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 24/05/2016 20:49
Smile
Original poster
ChickyDuck · 24/05/2016 20:55

Threads like this are why mumsnet is so great. Even though nothing has actually changed, you guys have taken me from hiding in the toilets at work to have a little cry, to feeling pretty much fine about the situation Smile I'm really feeling the MN love right now.

OP posts:
Tryingtostayyoung · 24/05/2016 20:56

Good for you OP. People like her don't expect to be confronted so I'm glad you did personally!! I think though that although you and your best friend have agreed to not fall out over this that if she does it again you won't forgive so easily, don't be a doormat, it's taken me a while to realise it myself Grin

Tryingtostayyoung · 24/05/2016 20:57

Sorry I meant let your BF know that you won't forgive so easily again

YorkshireLass2012 · 24/05/2016 21:01

ChickyDuck, for what it is worth, I think you took the right course of action by emailing the organiser on her own in a friendly manner. A group message, no matter how nicely written may have bee interpreted as passive aggressive (guilty conscience distorts things, particularly with written comms!).
Sending you big hugs as this is definitely not a nice situation to be on. I hope it gets resolved for you and you can move on from this sooner rather than later with your friends or with a clean break.

TwoLeftSocks · 24/05/2016 21:05

Bollocks. Forgot to get peanut butter earlier.

Hope you get a straight reply back from them Chicky.

FaithAscending · 24/05/2016 21:19

Oh Chicky how horrible :( if it was me, I'd want to at least try and find out why. Unfortunately I think you do need to be prepared that you may never get a straight answer. I'd be wary of your 'close friend' because she didn't stand up for you but booked in anyway?! Hmm.

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 24/05/2016 21:24

Oh no socks, disaster!! What is life without peanut butter!? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickyDuck · 24/05/2016 21:26

And thanks Faith, you may well be right. I think I will pursue for a few days and if there is no luck just let it go and move on. No use crying over spilt milk, and life goes on etc etc! For now I am going to drink wine and read in bed! Goodnight all!

OP posts:
KitNCaboodle · 25/05/2016 06:56

Morning, any news?

Becky546 · 25/05/2016 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 09:04

No news yet. I texted the "close friend" slightly more coherently, and explaining why I was upset that she had kept this from me and not stuck up for me more. She replied "I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you but I just need to take a minute to work out how best to explain what I want to say, so I will reply to this shortly" so we'll see what comes of that. I think she does genuinely feel bad though... Ah well, it's another day now, eh? No point in feeling bogged down by these things.

OP posts:
wornoutboots · 25/05/2016 09:42

surely you peanut butter and/or butter people are missing the best option? the best option is peanut butter and chocolate spread. no other butter necessary.

OP, I'm sorry your "friends" seem to be lead by an infantile fuckwit who hasn't got the ovaries to sort out any issue with you properly.

Original poster
ChickyDuck · 25/05/2016 09:51

Her response: Maybe me not telling you was on a level with booking the rooms without you in the first place, in which case you are free to think that I am as bad as anyone else you would care to think of. I know I should have told you before, I wish I had, but I really hoped it would get resolved without my having to hurt your feelings. I don't know what to suggest really - I will be guided by you. If you want to come we can speak to the girls and see if there is a way to make it work. If not then I understand.

Not sure how I feel about that tbh...

boots that is a terrible combo. If you want toast-topping cocktails it's peanut butter and marmite (with butter!) all the way

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 25/05/2016 09:56

What does that load of waffle even mean ?!?

MargaretCavendish · 25/05/2016 09:58

So basically she's saying that she did know you were excluded - it definitely wasn't an accident - and that she didn't want you to be excluded and she didn't initiate it, but she did go along with it?

So, so sorry that they're behaving this way, OP. I think I would quietly withdraw, but I also think you'd be well within your rights to tell them how hurtful and childish their nasty, underhand exclusion of you has been.

Myusernameismyusername · 25/05/2016 10:02

It sounds like she feels bad but more so that she was just hoping it all 'magically' would resolve itself... Without her having to get her own hands dirty with it?

Alwayschanging1 · 25/05/2016 10:07

Your best friend is more interested in staying in with the main group than sticking up for you. It would have taken her 2 seconds so say "what about Chicky?" when they were organising it. But she didn't want to/couldn't be arsed.

Frrrrrrippery · 25/05/2016 10:10

What a wishy washy reply. Although there is probably nothing she could say that would be ok.

Alwayschanging1 · 25/05/2016 10:14

I would reply to your friend.
""So you knew I was excluded and did nothing to sort it out? Why would you do that?"

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2016 10:18

I thought she was going to reveal why you had been excluded.
That message is just crap.
I would now send out that other message to all of them.

Are you more successful than they all are?
Do you get hideously drunk and embarrassing while at this event?

Something is off. Probably jealousy.
I have 2 fabulous friends and my sister and this is probably the reason why I don't have a big friendship.
Girls can be nasty and bitchy.
Ditch this lot of spineless c*nts and find yourself some better more loyal friends.

This is shit so here's a very UnMN (((((HUG))))) for you!

PS - peanut butter is made by the devil. Now marmite however..... Yummy!

CoraPirbright · 25/05/2016 10:18

Well thats a masterclass in saying a lot whilst saying precisely bugger all!! She has given no reason at all merely tried to waffle on about the fact that she knew about it and feels bad. Cowardly, I call it.

Do you want to continue with the group?

If not, I would message the whole group"having been missed out of the organisation of XXX for the third time in a row now, I am going to bow out. It is clear that something is going on although I have no idea what since none of you have had the good grace to talk to me about it. I am very sad and hurt that it has come to this as I counted you all as good friends but clearly this is not the case. Good luck with event XX I hope you all enjoy it."

That really is the equivalent of lighting the blue touch paper and retiring but if you feel you have nothing to lose and want to cut these mean girls loose then that it the way to go.

juneau · 25/05/2016 10:22

If she was the organiser than her waffly, non-reply is a lot of BS, quite frankly. She excluded you and did nothing to remedy that, and now she's giving a half-arsed 'oh well if you REALLY want to come then I suppose I can see if we can squeeze you in'. Fuck that! She would DEFINITELY be off my Christmas card list. And for your 'best friend' who you've agreed not to fall out with - well she just went along with excluding you. What kind of 'best friend' does that FFS? I think they're a lot of 24 carat cows personally.

spiderlight · 25/05/2016 10:25

That's a pathetic response and just an attempt to chuck the ball back into your court without giving any sort of explanation at all.

whois · 25/05/2016 10:29

Yeah if my friend was being left out I would rather go with them than the big group. Or at least TELL them if there was a reason like "Jenny is still pissed you stole her BF in 3rd year and Katie doesn't like you since you drunk drove into her new car... So I think your friendship with the group is over"