Left out

[ChickyDuck]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.

I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.

Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.

However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.

I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.

I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?

AND... it helps stop the bread wrinkling!

BTW it's definitely butter AND peanut butter. Preferably you should also add jam and or mashed banana.

Oh Chicky, that's just bloody rotten. For what it's worth, I'd happily have you at any event, glamping or sleeping in someone's old shed - you sound marvellous. And yes, by the way, definitely butter AND peanut butter. Why would you skimp?

Definitely call this bunch of witches out on it - don't let them get away with it. Sounds like someone's not playing nicely, and they deserve to be questioned on it so everyone knows what they're up to. And as for your friend, hmmm, suspect the jury's out on her for the moment...

Enjoy your toast.

I agree with 2nds. Sometimes these things aren't worth challenging, addressing or getting explanations for. It also requires you to hold on to the hurt while you try to get an explanation. They don't sound like nice people and sometimes you just have to cut your losses and let it go.

You have every right to be hurt but given the type of people they are I wonder if they can be relied upon to give you an honest response? Somehow, I doubt it. They sound unkind.

You deserve far better. Get out there and find new friends to do your hobby with. Don't waste any time or energy on these people. They simply aren't worth it.

I should add, however hurt you are right now, you will not feel the same six months from now if you allow yourself to move on

Once is a mistake but twice?? Nah, & especially as the organiser this time is one of those previously left out! You would think that would make her more careful!

I have been in a very similar situation, tho in my case it was family leaving me out all the time, after this happening a few times i did send a polite message asking why i had been left out yet again when there hadn't been no row or anything but was fobbed off with so many pathetic excuses that i realised i just wasn't wanted and was never going to get an honest answer from any of them

Im not saying this will happen in your case, but just be prepared that they may lie and try and fob you off, sounds like a couple of this group are not proper friends

Hope it all works out for you op. It's very difficult to know whether "saying something" will help or hinder the situation.
Anytime I have it's effectively killed the friendship.
Currently someone I have been friends with my entire life (50 years) is very obviously distancing themselves from me and I have no idea why. I am past caring and can't be bothered confronting them about it, the outcome would probably be the same regardless.

Peanut butter and Nutella!

OP I'm sorry this has happened. Recently, like fusionconfusion I discovered someone I thought was a friend and have helped professionally really doesn't like me. That hurt. I wish they'd just said so I wouldn't have bothered trying to be friendly.

Unfortunately, people who behave like this don't respond to "adult". That's not how they operate. Calling them out on it won't change anything - may actually make it worse as they act out their inner child when "told off". See the thread from the poster who contributed a lot of cash for a birthday gift, only to be frozen out from the event itself.

And btw, the clue is in the name - peanut butter. You don't need double butter .

I'm cross this has happened to you. The organiser has been unkind and selfish. I don't like her!

Apparently toast and peanut butter is a healthy snack, so you have to add butter to warrant the exercise....

You sound lovely Chicky and I'm sorry this group doesn't appreciate you. I'd be tempted to call the ringleader out on it like you have done but save my wrath for the whole group till I'm sure everyone is complicit.

There is no butter in peanut butter. It is merely peanuts and a little oil. You have to add butter yourself.

OP spineless people don't give truthful explanations so asking for one is a pointless exercise. If they do reply it might bug you even more.

I know this will sound daft but "calling out" - what exactly is that?

If it is in any way aggressive or accusatory then nope, that isn't a good idea. But to say, aloud, I have noticed, do you wish to respond (knowing the answer will be tumbleweed) is the kind of fullstop that some people (like me) find useful!

I know Chicky did say upthread that it is not one person who has done this twice, but one of last year's forgottens is organising this year. Which might mean it is a concerted effort or just that there is no up-to-date, complete list of Want-to-gos. So one last go round might be all that Chicky needs to put it all to bed.

I wonder if it's a genuine oversight? I really hope you get a decent answer and they aren't being utter bitches.

Why oh why do people act like this. .

I have also recently been frozen out of a friendship group. This is playground stuff. I just cannot understand how grown women act like nasty little girls. . I've done the same as Captain and ignored it. Problem is these are parents and they are passing the crap down the line. I met a group of women through our children. One of their children is still really good friends with DD. This mother and others in the friendship group have moved away from me. This mother is now friends with parents of 2 other girls in dds class. These 3 girls are in a friendship group with dd. These 3 girls have a bunch of playdates and the parents have now completely frozen my DD out. Their girls are only too aware and have started singling DD out. And the next generation of mean girls is born. Arrrgh.

Awwww thanks guys, you are all so sweet! No reply from the organiser as of yet...

I gave Dd peanut butter on toast for breakfast. Can I join?
I think they were horribly childish OP. have you heard from the organizer of the hotel rooms yet?

brace yourself for not getting one.

i know it's too late, and i'm not good at expressing myself but i'll try anyway: now you're left hanging, waiting for a response, none the wiser and they have all the control. they know you're hurt and confused and hoping that they'll enlighten you. you've essentially weakened your position. this is why i didn't think you should respond. just my opinion of course.

i hope i'm wrong, and i hope she does give you a decent answer.

I haven't messaged the whole group eddie, just the organiser so I have my facts straight. Partly to find out if there is anyone else left out and partly so I don't go storming in making a fuss without knowing the truth. It was a perfectly friendly message I sent, not hurt sounding at all, just asking who she had booked for a what was going on

And yes Squinkies, everyone can join my peanut butter gang!