MIL has offered to pay for all to go to Orlando. AIBU to say no?

[hairyfreckle]

MIL has offered for the whole family (me, DH, 2 kids, BIL SIL and their 4 kids plus MIL and FIL). Everything paid for- villa, flights, food over there. All we would need to pay for would be park tickets and personal money for shopping (hello outlet malls)

Anyway. I don't want to go (reasons why listed below). DH said I am being unreasonable and we can put up with her for 2 weeks. It probably isn't something we will be able to afford to do ourselves while the kids are young enough to be interested (already 11 and 9) but we will probably be able to go to Euro Disney in another year or so now I am working again.

MIL is very controlling in what she does- so the whole holiday will be decided by her. Where we go on what day, when we fly (i.e. if we could we would want to choose flights that get in at nighttime so the kids can go straight to bed when we get to the villa etc), what we eat etc. There is no disagreeing with her- if you do, she goes off in a sulk swearing saying how ungrateful we all are.

I don't have a good relationship with DHs family- DH is very easy going but his family are a bit snobish. All have/have had upper class careers and I work in a minimum wage job part time and have only returned to work this year. Apart from general chit chat we don't talk- we just have nothing in common. It would probably mean I go to bed early on while they sit and drink wine talking about hunting or whatever bollocks it is they are doing now.

DD2 gets homesick very easily. She can't even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset- it isn't because she wants me and DH, it's because she wants to be at home. She is very shy and anxious and honestly I think it would all be a bit overwhelming for her and someone (probably me) would end up staying at the villa with her watching films etc which we can do at home. I honestly can't see her interacting with the characters, going on rides etc. She will just cling to me or DH.

DH can turn into a nightmare when he is around PIL. I 100% understand they are his parents but he agrees with everything they say. If they tell him to do something with DDs (e.g. at Xmas time MIL said they could have Coke 1/2 hour before bed, I said no, MIL said yes and DH agreed with her because she was getting irate. I know it was a "special occasion" but it was already 9.30, we had more presents to wrap and I wanted to get to bed. He admitted to me he only did it to shut her up). He just can't stand up for himself. We argue everytime they visit/we go to visit which means we are both sulking for a day or two and MIL walks around looking smug. It would ruin everybody's holiday and isn't fair on DC and other family members.

I would suggest the DC go with DH- but they have done this before and MIL ended up getting DD2 into such a state I had to fly out and bring her home. She just doesn't understand how sensitive she is and she can be a crippling emotional bully.

AIBU?

Yeah Kiwi and if possible get yours in early. "urgh there fish in the sea, bleugh this palm tree is so wilty". It could be fun.

Good call OP!
kiwi I so recognise the turning into a slightly deaf Pollyanna! I can't counter everything hence the selective hearing, but I do have to be very chirpy and then very strict as I explain why things she's understood as she's understood (GPs appointment for a one off turning into a childhood blighted by epilepsy )

My FIL is exactly as you describe your MIL, there is no way I'd be going on that holiday OP.

YANBU

You are both controlling people, so you rub each other up the wrong way. Why don't you just stay home with DD2, and let DH and DD1 go and have a good time?

Do your BIL and SIL have the same issues and reservations?

I get the 'big group' thing, if you all try and move round the parks as a group of 12 it could get frustrating, especially if there is a wide range of kids' ages. The ILs will presumably want to be with the kids? Lots of the kids will want to stay together...

I think I would relax, go with the flow, look after my kids' enjoyment and take it as that.

I'm glad you've decided on a solution OP.

Stick to your guns though, about doing your own thing on some days. Get your own transport and say for such a large group you will need 2 villas, (you could be in the other one to your MIL! )

I would encourage you to ask your GP / school about DD2's anxiety, they may be able to start getting some help for her. You might like to work on ways of preparing her for the holiday. My DS(10) is like this, he doesn't want to do things unless he knows exactly what will happen and when. Away from home he needs to take certain things to feel safe in bed such as his alarm clock and a favourite book.

Could you take an active art in the planning? Perhaps plan the first park visit with DD2 and make sure you go ahead with it. If she knows you're taking her to see X and then Y she may cope better.
Get in first and say something like, "on the Monday we'll be going to X place to see Y thing". They come or not, but you're going. "On the next day we'll be staying at the villa and I'll be cooking dinner. "

Can you afford some things yourselves? like getting a taxi back from the park when DD2 has had enough? / going back to the villa to eat your own food even if everyone else is going to a restaurant?

Good luck OP.

when you are there, consider it a "second job" not a holiday - a job to help your DDs have fun. Any enjoyment for you is a bonus

This is exactly how I plan to approach our holiday with PIL's next year. I'm under no illusions that it will be fun or relaxing for me. I'm doing it for DH and for my DC. It will be hard work but it's only a couple of weeks.

I love my inlaws. They are lovely, funny people who are very good to me. We all (9 in total) went to Orlando on holiday a few years back. We paid as it was our wedding. We had a huge villa with two spare rooms so plenty of space.

it was so difficult. DH wanted to move into a hotel by day 3 - and it's his family! We decided then that we would go away ourselves later in the year (remote cottage Scottish Highlands) and we would just make this fortnight as pleasant as possible for everyone.

1. Your own car is a must. It's just not feasible to go in a group to everything and you'll all get tired at different times.

1. Decide before you go how you'll manage food shopping.

1. Plan in your own activities - if possible, a few days away (Clearwater? Anna Maria Island? Universal hotels?) might just be the space you need to get you to the end.

1. Don't stress about the flights. They'll be what they'll be. In the grand scheme of things arriving at 3.30pm or 8pm won't make that much of a difference.

1. Plan in lots of chill time. When I hear people planning Orlando for the first time they just way over estimate how much they can fit in.

1. If you do go out together, agree to split in the parks and meet at pre-arranged times. Have a rough idea what you want to do at the parks; they are very busy and queue times vary during the day.

DH and I came back swearing we wouldn't repeat the experience. BIL and SIL keep dropping heavy hints about a return visit. (MIL and PIL probably not up to travel). We have some happy memories, great pictures, and it was lovely having the family together. But it was an ordeal.

I have seen you have updated to say you are going now but this really jumped out at me.

DD2 is Disney obssesed but she finds being away from home/strange people distressing

I think you really need to help your dd with her social anxiety rather than fuelling it.

The fact your MIL upset your DD to an extent that you had to fly to another country and get her is enough of a basis to say no. Do not let her bully you into this. She obviously sees her wealth as a way of control. Protect your kids from this - particularly your sensitive DD poor little lamb

Did she 'have' to go get her, though? Or did she go get her because she's convinced herself she can't cope and won't even try? I guess I'm just a bit more sceptical about the absolute veracity of the OP's description of the MIL than everyone else. I would bet £100 that they don't hunt (how many people who hunt go to Disney?) - that's just her lazy idea of what 'posh' people do. Because she's never bothered to get to know them as people.

I'm at all the suggestions to do PA shite. I really wouldn't. If you are going to accept her offer then just go with good grace. If she annoys you then let her know but don't start with the PA crap.

I missed the bit about op having to fly to another country to get DD.
This almost sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Op make sure that you include some ground rules on who is allowed in the children's bedrooms.
Routines go completely out the window on holidays but people need to respect children need sleep. Therefore people need to be quiet in the mornings and let the kids have long lies especially if they have been up late the night before.

We had 4 nights with DH family last year, it was far too long. My son was expected to eat with the family at 6.30 / 7.00 then being told to be quite at night "his baby cousin was sleeping" nobody gave a shit he needed extra sleep in the morning. Crash bang wallop radio on loud talking in the kitchen no thought to close the door or keep the noise down.

Tbh I would be seriously tempted to suggest separate apartments rather than a villa - even if it means paying extra for it. Let granny pay for flights and park tickets but sort out your own car and accommodation.

"how many people who hunt go to Disney"

Err, what? Plenty, I imagine, if they have kids of Disney age.

I think the only way you're going to get through this is to agree some ground rules with DH. Non-negotiable ones.

I agree with whoever said you have a DH problem, not a MIL one.

2 weeks in Orlando is a long time - especially if all that is planned is Disney parks.

There are 4 main parks, and 2 water parks. Make sure you arrange to spend at least a day in each water park - having fun in the water in the sunshine!

Think about taking a day trip down to Cape Canaveral and the Kennedy Space Centre. It's really amazing! We never got as far as the main rockets area (bus tour down to it - included), as the newly arrived Atlanta shuttle was so interesting.

We also did a day doing a canoe safari just north of Orlando, which was really interesting. It was a very gentle pace, for people who don't generally paddle (more about drifting and looking at wildlife really). And at the end, there was a swimming hole to play in while having a picnic. Very peaceful day, calm, quiet in the trees and on the water - a perfect antidote to the main Orlando!

Remember to drink lots of water. All day. Everyone.

Look at the planning websites, and agree that you will need time out. Some days, you might only go to the parks in the evening - or go to the water park in the morning, take a break in the afternoon and go to one of the main parks for the Parade ("Main" park) or firework show (Epcot) and some food in the evening. If your tickets give you flexibility about whole days unlimited use. (I know we got one allowing any 7 days out of 10 from first use, and it meant we could leave and go back later if we wanted a break).

And enjoy.

Look, I don't want to start an 'I know posher people than you' pissing contest, but IME the sort of people who hunt would be about as likely to go to Disney as they would be to go to Blackpool for their summer holiday.

I was taken to Disney as a child and loved it, by the way - I'd like to take my own children! But none of the actually posh (as opposed to well-off) people I met at university and subsequently in my professional life had been to Disney/would take their own families; in turn, they were astonished that I hadn't ever been skiing.

You can sound them out before the announcement. Ask dd2 if she'd enjoy going, while reminding her of how sad she can get missing home. Don't push it so she thinks there's a reason you're asking apart from idle curiosity, just chatting, imagining.

Oh my goodness, best of luck OP. You're a braver woman than I am.

Good decision OP. I hope the kids have a brilliant time with their cousins - try not to let the animosity rub off on them. I think you need to take a deep breath and prepare to cede control for two weeks. Pick your battles - it's not the end of the world if the kids have coke or junk to eat for a couple of weeks (there's bound to be plenty of opportunity for it over there) nor does it matter if their sleep schedules are disrupted - that will happen anyway thanks to the time difference. I think having your own car will help you be a bit independent so you can arrive at the park later or leave earlier or even have a day out somewhere else entirely if you choose. Thanks to mobile phones it has never been easier to rendez vous in unfamiliar surroundings. Drop the chip about them being posh - just be yourself. Disney is my idea of hell (with or without in-laws) but it will be magic for your kids don't let a bad atmosphere poison that. I think you'll enjoy it more than you expect because you are starting with low expectations, but give it a chance, don't spoil it for yourself.

You need a separate car. And don't forget that you will also be paying a lot of money for the holiday as well, albeit heavily subsidised.

I am laughing at the "posh people don't do Disney" bollocks though. Yes because if you have money your children are automatically immune to Mickey Mouse and Princesses, preferring to spend their time on some light needlework and Latin prose.

Good update. I'm sure your dds will enjoy it even if dd2 needs a bit of encouragement.
Put your foot down re. One or two meals/days out as a family without ILs.

I have never looked forward to anything as much as my trip to orlando when I was 11, your daughters will be so excited

Oh god, that sounds like a living nightmare. Florida is my idea of a nightmare anyway but couple that with a controlling snobby mil and I think I'd be jumping into an alligator pit after a few days . Also if only one child will even enjoy it, seems a bit pointless. Ask your DC what they think, they're old enough to give a logical opinion.

Glad you are going, but try and manage the holiday a bit. We had a big holiday to the USA recently including 6 days in Orlando. That was a couple of days too long. None of us are Disney aficionados. Kids were 10 and 8 and enjoyed it - but loved Clearwater a lot more than Disney, and given a choice would go back to NYC/ Clearwater over Disney any day.

The boys liked swimming and relaxing at the hotel, and we didn't do every park. They loved the waterparks though. Also as a PP has said, get away and do Kennedy Space Center / Coco Beach on your own!

It is not a posh destination. At all.