MIL has offered to pay for all to go to Orlando. AIBU to say no?

[hairyfreckle]

MIL has offered for the whole family (me, DH, 2 kids, BIL SIL and their 4 kids plus MIL and FIL). Everything paid for- villa, flights, food over there. All we would need to pay for would be park tickets and personal money for shopping (hello outlet malls)

Anyway. I don't want to go (reasons why listed below). DH said I am being unreasonable and we can put up with her for 2 weeks. It probably isn't something we will be able to afford to do ourselves while the kids are young enough to be interested (already 11 and 9) but we will probably be able to go to Euro Disney in another year or so now I am working again.

MIL is very controlling in what she does- so the whole holiday will be decided by her. Where we go on what day, when we fly (i.e. if we could we would want to choose flights that get in at nighttime so the kids can go straight to bed when we get to the villa etc), what we eat etc. There is no disagreeing with her- if you do, she goes off in a sulk swearing saying how ungrateful we all are.

I don't have a good relationship with DHs family- DH is very easy going but his family are a bit snobish. All have/have had upper class careers and I work in a minimum wage job part time and have only returned to work this year. Apart from general chit chat we don't talk- we just have nothing in common. It would probably mean I go to bed early on while they sit and drink wine talking about hunting or whatever bollocks it is they are doing now.

DD2 gets homesick very easily. She can't even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset- it isn't because she wants me and DH, it's because she wants to be at home. She is very shy and anxious and honestly I think it would all be a bit overwhelming for her and someone (probably me) would end up staying at the villa with her watching films etc which we can do at home. I honestly can't see her interacting with the characters, going on rides etc. She will just cling to me or DH.

DH can turn into a nightmare when he is around PIL. I 100% understand they are his parents but he agrees with everything they say. If they tell him to do something with DDs (e.g. at Xmas time MIL said they could have Coke 1/2 hour before bed, I said no, MIL said yes and DH agreed with her because she was getting irate. I know it was a "special occasion" but it was already 9.30, we had more presents to wrap and I wanted to get to bed. He admitted to me he only did it to shut her up). He just can't stand up for himself. We argue everytime they visit/we go to visit which means we are both sulking for a day or two and MIL walks around looking smug. It would ruin everybody's holiday and isn't fair on DC and other family members.

I would suggest the DC go with DH- but they have done this before and MIL ended up getting DD2 into such a state I had to fly out and bring her home. She just doesn't understand how sensitive she is and she can be a crippling emotional bully.

AIBU?

This is really a conversation to be had with your DH. What is he going to do to stand up to his mother and ensure you and your DD's are not trampled on. What is he going to do to ensure your family boundaries and requests are adhered to. Put the onus back on him. If he's not willing to sort this out then it's his fault the holiday can't happen...

The ONLY way this could work is if you had separate villas, and arranged travel.

But that doesn't sound at all likely. You hav seen what happens already, it'd be a be a nightmare.

Say no.

Have you looked at the price of park tickets? You are talking £1000+ for Disney and £600+ for Universal. If you want to do some shopping as well, you will probably be looking to spend about £2000 before you even start. Add on things like car parking at the parks at $20 a day and it starts to add up to an expensive free holiday.

If you can afford this with no hardship I would say it's two weeks out of the rest of your life so suck it up and go, but I would also say that you could have a hell of a good holiday at Disneyland Paris for that sort of money.

She's using the holiday to get her own way.

If the MIL was buying an expensive gift in order to get her own way about something I'm sure the responses would be different.

But the fact its a holiday, it suddenly become ok?

No, the problem is the relationship and the fact that your DH does not respect or understand why you does not get on with his mother and inflames the situation. If your DH doesn't get it, he needs to. The fact his mother is already 'winning' by using the holiday to divide you - and your DH is not remotely seeing how you feel.

Actually going on this holiday will make that even worse.

The fall out following a holiday that goes badly under these circumstances is really not worth it. And YOU WILL have issues is you are already doing so over the mere idea of a holiday.

Has your daughter never been on holiday before ? I dont understand why she would be upset anyway just tell your husband why you are not going he can go with the kids or 1 of them im assuming they get on fine with the family its you that finds it stressful

I've done it. PILs paid for twelve of us (family members).

Honestly, it was a nightmare. I love Orlando but the logistics of a big family holiday just doesn't work somewhere like that. You'll be expected to hang around in the heat and will constantly argue because everyone wants to do different things but you'll be expected to stay together.

Never again.

Yeah that would be a big fat NOPE. Sounds like MIL wants to parent and you be the subordinate and DH agrees for an easy life. That would be two weeks of hell stuck far enough away that you couldn't go home. Control what you eat and what you do? You aren't puppets and neither are your kids.

What if she would agree to Eurodisney instead so if it turned into a nightmare you could leave. You could say that you'd be willing to do Florida if Eurodisney went well.

Such a tricky one. We took DS to Florida when he was 7 and he absolutely loved it and would love to go back.

With your DD2 have you been on other holidays with her? In your Op you say that you could afford to go to DLP next year - why would she be more able to cope with that than going to Florida this year ?

There are ways to make Disney more manageable. We aren't big crowds people so we didn't bother with the parades or the fireworks. By going first thing in the mornings we missed the worst of the queues. However if you all have to do everything together dictated to by MIL that would be tricky.

Presumably you'll need your own vehicle anyway due to the numbers of you. So you could take DD2 and do things at your own pace with her if she found doing things in a group hard. There's also lots of lower key things to enjoy in Florida - mini golf, the water parks, outlet shopping. You could wave everyone else off to their day at the theme park and then do some of that with DD2.

The examples you have given of your MIL don't honestly sound so awful, so it's hard to say definitively don't go/

I've turned down holidays with my in laws for this exact reason. Why use up two weeks of your holiday from work, your money, your time and energy, on a holiday that is draining and exhausting and not at all fun.

Kids love any holiday, and EuroDisney is lovely, with the added bonus of no inlaws.

Why don't you let everyone have their own say as to weather they want to go. You don't want to go so don't go. DH does so he goes. ask each DD what they want to do. They are old enough now to decide. If DD2 decides to go then cries because she doesn't like it then she will have her Dad with her - no need for you to go and rescue her. These are your children's grandparents and they should be allowed to spend special time with them even if you don't want to go.

MIL sounds controlling and you sound like hard work.

Agree with PP, if you can afford to go ( all the extras really add up) then it would be foolish not to. I don't think you can really know how DD2 will react and you say she is Disney mad, so it may be perfect for her.

Also agree you should have words with DH about boundary setting and him supporting you - but don't go mad. Getting huffy about flight times and one coke a year makes you sound as controlling as MIL.

Maybe you could see it as an opportunity to get to know ILS better and improve relations?

Oh just missed a blooming paragraph of your op so sorry you had to collect your dd from a holiday jeez dont go

fuck that, sounds terrible. don't go and while your at it, tell your DH to grow some balls and stick up for his wife.

definately doesnt sound like a holiday of a lifetime.

they can't be that posh if they let their GC drink Coke

Well if your MIL is a crippling emotional bully then there is no decision to be made, is there? It's obvious you can't go.

Also, i am not sure what an 'upper class career' is. but all the upper class people I've known wouldn't be seen dead at Disneyworld.

I'd turn it down too, although expect a world of grief when next year you want to go to Disneyland Paris.

It's easy to say - just go. But if it's as controlling as the OP suggests it's a bit like being flicked on the ear for two weeks, first time it's a bit annoying come the 1,001 flick you just want to snap in one way or another.

And it won't just be for the two weeks, it will be the lead up to it and after you get back

Nope I wouldn't do it with my IL's who are very intense, lovely but exhausting and after two weeks id be miserable as would DP.

Normally I would be entirely disposed to sympathise with you, but tbh, you are emerging on this thread as being easily as controlling as your MIL, and putting down your ILs' apparent dislike of you to snobbery because they have 'upper class careers' (whatever those are), you don't hunt (?) and are in a minimum wage job? I think the 'snobbery' is a complete red herrings, and you and your MIL don't like one another because you're too similar.

Or choose Disney as their holiday destination puglife15 (I can say that as I've been there) .

The examples aren't that terrible, it's hard to know what they add up to. I'd be concerned about any child of that age being unable to stay away from home for two weeks without being miserable, when their family is with them. Is that a common reaction for dcs that age, I haven't come across it before.

FGS don't go.

It sounds like you would be determined to make the worst of the situation, despite what might be best for your children.

Bearing in mind your kids' 4 cousins are going, don't you think your kids would have an incredible time with their extended family in a destination that most families would consider the holiday of a lifetime. They'll probably never forgive you if their cousins go and come home raving about how wonderful it is!
Surely you can arrange it so you have some distance from mil - you could go shopping with dh or sil whilst GPs take the kids to the parks, or you could stay by the pool.
I've taken my kids to Orlando once about 3 years ago and they still talk about it practically every day.

From your OP. You have a Disney mad Daughter, and yet the only thing positive you can see about a fortnight in Orlando is the shopping malls.

Be very honest with yourself. What would your DD really want?

I'm a bit confused, why will your DD2 (who is 9 right?) be homesick if she is with you? Have you asked her about it? I don't understand the logic that she will be ok to go to eurodisney and not get freaked out there but will not be able to cope with Orlando?

I've been to orlando several times (not my first choice but dh loves it) and to be honest the parks are so tiring that you won't want to stay up chatting with the family anyway - you will want to sleep! I think you will be able to embrace the place as good fun and just not have to deal with the family too much.

In some ways I don't blame you feeling as you do. But I think you should probably suck it up and go as it is a great place. To me it doesn't make sense that your dd2 won't like it if you are there to support her.

I'm a seasoned holidayer with my inlaws, but they are lovely people.

I think if you don't see it as a holiday for you at all, it could work. Yes you will probably spend most of it looking after your dd2, though I wonder if over two full weeks she will be able to venture out a little bit more, especially with you and your DD1 and cousins around - on the principle that 'you're feeling homesick anyway, let's try to go to the park for an hour and then come back here'. You could do a lot of preparation beforehand maybe - social story type thing?

It's also a chance to build some kind of relationship with your DH's family - going on the holiday will be one thing that you do have in common in the future, there are bound to be some funny incidents or tales to tell that will bond you slightly more in the future.

TBH I don't think you should expect to enjoy it that much, and then you might find that you do.