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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has offered to pay for all to go to Orlando. AIBU to say no?

213 replies

hairyfreckle · 22/05/2016 19:48

MIL has offered for the whole family (me, DH, 2 kids, BIL SIL and their 4 kids plus MIL and FIL). Everything paid for- villa, flights, food over there. All we would need to pay for would be park tickets and personal money for shopping (hello outlet malls)

Anyway. I don't want to go (reasons why listed below). DH said I am being unreasonable and we can put up with her for 2 weeks. It probably isn't something we will be able to afford to do ourselves while the kids are young enough to be interested (already 11 and 9) but we will probably be able to go to Euro Disney in another year or so now I am working again.

MIL is very controlling in what she does- so the whole holiday will be decided by her. Where we go on what day, when we fly (i.e. if we could we would want to choose flights that get in at nighttime so the kids can go straight to bed when we get to the villa etc), what we eat etc. There is no disagreeing with her- if you do, she goes off in a sulk swearing saying how ungrateful we all are.

I don't have a good relationship with DHs family- DH is very easy going but his family are a bit snobish. All have/have had upper class careers and I work in a minimum wage job part time and have only returned to work this year. Apart from general chit chat we don't talk- we just have nothing in common. It would probably mean I go to bed early on while they sit and drink wine talking about hunting or whatever bollocks it is they are doing now.

DD2 gets homesick very easily. She can't even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset- it isn't because she wants me and DH, it's because she wants to be at home. She is very shy and anxious and honestly I think it would all be a bit overwhelming for her and someone (probably me) would end up staying at the villa with her watching films etc which we can do at home. I honestly can't see her interacting with the characters, going on rides etc. She will just cling to me or DH.

DH can turn into a nightmare when he is around PIL. I 100% understand they are his parents but he agrees with everything they say. If they tell him to do something with DDs (e.g. at Xmas time MIL said they could have Coke 1/2 hour before bed, I said no, MIL said yes and DH agreed with her because she was getting irate. I know it was a "special occasion" but it was already 9.30, we had more presents to wrap and I wanted to get to bed. He admitted to me he only did it to shut her up). He just can't stand up for himself. We argue everytime they visit/we go to visit which means we are both sulking for a day or two and MIL walks around looking smug. It would ruin everybody's holiday and isn't fair on DC and other family members.

I would suggest the DC go with DH- but they have done this before and MIL ended up getting DD2 into such a state I had to fly out and bring her home. She just doesn't understand how sensitive she is and she can be a crippling emotional bully.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hulababy · 22/05/2016 21:12

I am sure you will all have fun OP! You'll love watching your children's faces at the very least :)

And as soon as booked go and register on My Disney Experience and take over some of the organisation!

bigTillyMint · 22/05/2016 21:13

2 Weeks in Disney with the in-laws sounds like my idea of a nightmare. I couldn't have done it at all. Luckily my DH would have hated the idea even more than me. And even more luckily, the PIL never suggested itGrin

You could

  • persuade DH that it's a bad idea
  • let him go with DD1 whilst you stay home with DD2
  • let him take both DD's (but miss out on 2 weeks family time, and potentially become more distanced from the PIL)
  • go and hate every moment of it, passing that vibe on to your DD (and everyone else picking up on it)
  • try to see it as a positive opportunity for family bonding and helping DD2 to overcome her anxiety about being away from home

Does your DH realise how much you don't want to go?
Would he compromise and support you in telling MIL that you will be organising your own family schedule so that you spend some time with them and some on your own as a family?

Normandy144 · 22/05/2016 21:14

YABU. Your daughter suffers from home sickness. This will only get worse if you allow her to stay home all the time. Disney world will be the perfect distraction for her and plus she will have her cousins to play with. I'd be amazed if she has a second to think about it. And if she does then you and DH can reassure her that all will be well. As for your relationship with your MIL can't you just try and grin and bear it for two weeks.?

bigTillyMint · 22/05/2016 21:14

Just seen update - glad you've found a solution.

kipperydippery · 22/05/2016 21:15

YAB totally U. I get that you don't like your MIL etc.

This is an all expenses paid holiday to DisneyWorld in Florida.

Your DCs will love it. You have to tolerate PIL for 2 weeks whilst being grateful. Your DC will remember it forever. Sometimes you have to do stuff you will hate for the benefit of your DC. This is one of those times.

Get your big girls pants on, stick a smile on your face, leave DC with PIL for a day while you spend you extra cash at the mall - you never know, you might enjoy it!

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/05/2016 21:15

I wouldn't go. Partly because I loathe all things Disney, but also because I have a relative who does this sort of thing. It has nothing to do with holidays, or school fees, or whatever it happens to be this time. It has everything to do with control. Your children will not be scarred by not going (unless by granny endlessly going on about how Mummy wouldn't let them go, sounds like a possibility?).

In my experience, holidays can be the times when the really big fights happen.Alcohol, pressure to have a good time because someone (who won't shut up about it) has paid a lot of money, and all that simmering resentment will almost certainly end up in a massive row. It's a long, long way to go to have a public (they always end up being public, no matter where they start) slanging match with your in-laws.

Sending your husband and one child, or him and both children, just strengthens her (probably loud and prolonged) claims that you are paranoid and unreasonable. He needs to stand up to her now or this will just never end.

Also, remember that if you lose your temper and murder her, Florida has the death penalty!

Xmasbaby11 · 22/05/2016 21:15

Good for you op! Hope you enjoy it.

Andante58 · 22/05/2016 21:16

Have you asked the children what they want to do? If your your younger daughter really doesn't want to be away from home for a fortnight then it would be no fun for her and it could spoil the holiday for the others.
However, Ameliablue's suggestion that your DH and elder dd go is a good one.
I have a bossy step mil so I understand your concerns, but your sneery comments about their 'upper class careers' and hunting don't reflect very well on you. You sound as if you have got a chip on your shoulder.
What would you think if someone described their in laws as having 'common careers'?
It works both ways.

LouBlue1507 · 22/05/2016 21:16

Yay! Enjoy OP, I'm sure you will! I loved it as a child and is one of my most cherished memories! I wish I could go back Envy Grin Have a fab time and don't be afraid to lay down the law when it comes to parenting your own children! Smile x

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/05/2016 21:17

A holiday of a lifetime is only the holiday of a lifetime if everyone gets the holiday,

A MiL
A DH that has had a controlling, bullying "D"M and suffers badly from FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)
three (?) other adults and 4 kids
and an itinerary set by someone that sulks, moan and be basty if she doesn't get her ow way.

It doesn't sound like much of a holiday too me, let alone a holiday of a lifetime.

YANBU.

Andante58 · 22/05/2016 21:17

Sorry - ignore my post. Your update was posted while I was writing mine.
Have a great time.

kipperydippery · 22/05/2016 21:18

Just seen the update. Sounds like you have a good compromise worked out.

I hope you all have a lovely time away.

DailyMailFodder · 22/05/2016 21:21

I'm glad you've made a decision but try not to get too carried away with trying to control things. If you are going to go just try and relax and go with the flow. Making your DH have a 'talk' to your MIL is unfair on your DH. I'm guessing the holiday isn't for a long while so getting het up before you have even started is a mistake.

If you are going to go you should do so happily with the mindset that you are going to have a fabulous holiday. You shouldn't go begrudgingly - you will ruin it for everyone.

Normandy144 · 22/05/2016 21:23

Just saw your update. Good decision. And definitely. Good idea to plan some time just the 4/of you. To be honest there are so many of you and so many things to do (and if I remember rightly you have to buy the park tickets yourselves?) So there is plenty of opportunity for you to split off to one park for the day. Not everyone is going to want to do the same thing everyday and it is unreasonable to expect you to be hand in pocket for the full 14 days.

BillSykesDog · 22/05/2016 21:25

As you're now going I would suggest that you make sure you have a separate hire car so if necessary you can take one or two days escaping as a family to get some relief.

Plus you and DH could very selflessly offer to babysit a few nights so the ILs can all go out and you can have a bit of a break from them if you need. Smile

bloodyteenagers · 22/05/2016 21:28

Good luck. Chances are if she is that controlling, although you will be buying your own park tickets etc, it will all still be organised by her. Same with transport, wouldn't be surprised if she hires something big enough for everyone. After all why do you need a separate car. It's family holiday.

These are the things I would be getting sorted now so there is no confusion.

myownprivateidaho · 22/05/2016 21:32

Send dh and the kids? After asking your dd if she's game? I think vetoing is a bit u.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/05/2016 21:32

You are a brave woman OP, best of luck.

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/05/2016 21:38

Even after reading your update I'd be really careful you aren't minimising, putting on a brave face and hoping it'll be fiiiiiiiine, because you feel you have to.
It's unlikely to be, and certainly not for that length of time, and with such finances attached to it.

Also, as an aside and more generally, does Disney have such a hold that people are expected to go even if it won't be at all enjoyable for them?
I find that worrying.

Becles · 22/05/2016 21:38

Have a look at the Dibb forums. So useful for orlando

ollieplimsoles · 22/05/2016 21:40

Great you have decided to go for dd's sake op!

Now listen up- this holiday is going to be a control freak paradise for your mil. A holiday with strings attached isn't a holiday, it's a nightmare. So now is your chance to stand up to your mil, so you all have a nice time.

Firstly, assume your dh is going to pussy around his mother and help her over rule you, so be prepared to make your voice heard.
Warn your dds beforehand that grandma is not in charge here, you are.
Throw a spanner in her works a bit by mixing up her plans. If she tries to manage your time for you, just say 'thanks but we planned to do this today, maybe another time' and leave with your dds.
Tell dh that you need time away from his family while you are there with the dds.

You don't have to be tied to them the entire time and you night as well enjoy it if you have to spend weeks with the awful woman.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 22/05/2016 21:43

I was taken to Orlando at 14 by an EA relative.

Whilst of course Disney World was and is fantastic, I was miserable. It's very difficult to be happy there if you've been criticised for what you did or didn't want to eat for breakfast, if you are called selfish because you don't want to go on a particular ride but everyone else does, if you get told we aren't having lunch yet even though you feel shaky because of hunger, if you can't swim in the hotel pool because they don't want to swim and they won't let you split up from them. Stuff like this individually can be brushed off. If it's relentless, you are thousands of miles from home, it's too hot, it is a different culture despite the same language, and the stress of it all is immense.

If I'd have known what it would be like, I wouldn't have gone. And that's a 14yr old who loves stuff like this.

Boysnme · 22/05/2016 21:47

We have done the big family holiday to Florida, paid for by the inlaws. It was a very mixed holiday. I love my inlaws and it was a very generous thing to do for us. Here are some tips that I would give you:

  1. Do your own research so you know what MIL is booking you up for. It's a holiday that does take a lot of planning ( if you want to but probably a good idea with kids) - Say no from the beginning if she arranges something you don't want to do or is not appropriate for your kids.
  2. Get your own car. Then if you want / need to leave somewhere you can.
  3. Large groups don't work. It takes ages to go anywhere, people argue, you spend your life in eateries and toilets - I would recommend agreeing up front that you don't have to go everywhere together.
  4. Flights - they were not a problem and will likely be the least of your concerns. Most of the U.K. flights will get you to your accommodation at a decent time for pretty much just going to bed.
  5. Agree some 'family time' for just your family before you go. You will all want it but won't want to admit that when you are there.

I could probably think of more but they were the main things. You need to make sure that DH is in agreement with you too and he needs to stand up to his parents if anything arises.

We did have a good holiday and our kids loved it. It is truly an amazing place ... However, this year we are going back alone!

GabsAlot · 22/05/2016 21:48

have a good time-try and stay out of her way i dont know how she would control food tbh-its not all inclusive you eat where u are in the park usually so i dont know how that would work

also the park tickets cost in excess of a thousand each for 2 weeks so essentially not a free holiday

scopello · 22/05/2016 21:50

I've been on 4 one week holidays en masse with the ILS and honestly, only the kids enjoy them since they run around in a large pack. I've refused to go to another one even if it's free since it's way too stressful accommodating other people's expectations, let alone cooking for a large group. DH refuses to go by himself since it wouldn't be a holiday for him Hmm while I resent giving up 2 weeks' precious annual leave for what is mainly an onerous chore that we have done in the past out of duty.