MIL has offered to pay for all to go to Orlando. AIBU to say no?

[hairyfreckle]

MIL has offered for the whole family (me, DH, 2 kids, BIL SIL and their 4 kids plus MIL and FIL). Everything paid for- villa, flights, food over there. All we would need to pay for would be park tickets and personal money for shopping (hello outlet malls)

Anyway. I don't want to go (reasons why listed below). DH said I am being unreasonable and we can put up with her for 2 weeks. It probably isn't something we will be able to afford to do ourselves while the kids are young enough to be interested (already 11 and 9) but we will probably be able to go to Euro Disney in another year or so now I am working again.

MIL is very controlling in what she does- so the whole holiday will be decided by her. Where we go on what day, when we fly (i.e. if we could we would want to choose flights that get in at nighttime so the kids can go straight to bed when we get to the villa etc), what we eat etc. There is no disagreeing with her- if you do, she goes off in a sulk swearing saying how ungrateful we all are.

I don't have a good relationship with DHs family- DH is very easy going but his family are a bit snobish. All have/have had upper class careers and I work in a minimum wage job part time and have only returned to work this year. Apart from general chit chat we don't talk- we just have nothing in common. It would probably mean I go to bed early on while they sit and drink wine talking about hunting or whatever bollocks it is they are doing now.

DD2 gets homesick very easily. She can't even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset- it isn't because she wants me and DH, it's because she wants to be at home. She is very shy and anxious and honestly I think it would all be a bit overwhelming for her and someone (probably me) would end up staying at the villa with her watching films etc which we can do at home. I honestly can't see her interacting with the characters, going on rides etc. She will just cling to me or DH.

DH can turn into a nightmare when he is around PIL. I 100% understand they are his parents but he agrees with everything they say. If they tell him to do something with DDs (e.g. at Xmas time MIL said they could have Coke 1/2 hour before bed, I said no, MIL said yes and DH agreed with her because she was getting irate. I know it was a "special occasion" but it was already 9.30, we had more presents to wrap and I wanted to get to bed. He admitted to me he only did it to shut her up). He just can't stand up for himself. We argue everytime they visit/we go to visit which means we are both sulking for a day or two and MIL walks around looking smug. It would ruin everybody's holiday and isn't fair on DC and other family members.

I would suggest the DC go with DH- but they have done this before and MIL ended up getting DD2 into such a state I had to fly out and bring her home. She just doesn't understand how sensitive she is and she can be a crippling emotional bully.

AIBU?

I think YABU.

All the reasons you describe sound like they could be interpreted in many ways and don't sound that bad, eg. Not being able to decide times of flights/ not deciding where you eat. It sounds like you feel or have been made to feel pushed out by your PIL and for that YANBU but ostracising yourself further isn't going to help. Inviting you and your family on an all expenses trip is incredibly generous and maybe you could use it as a chance to try and chat to them more and get to know them a bit better. You turning this down is going to go down like a lead balloon and you will end up looking to everyone else like the ungrateful and unreasonable one. Isn't it better to give your children these experiments whilst they are young enough to enjoy them? Even if DD is incredibly shy and anxious a family holiday should be something you can expose her to and she might even enjoy it? I was the same at her age I hated going away but when I was there I was glad I'd been made to do it.

Also doesn't your DH want to accept this very generous gift?

I think you need to decide what kind of relationship you want with your in laws. If you don't care then don't go but I think your DH will resent you for it and your reasons seem petty. If you do care go and make the best of it. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

I think that everyone should be entitled to an opinion.... you Don't get the decision Vote.
I would set very clear boundaries if I agreed. What about the other people going? What's their relationship like?
Lastly I think it's a bit daft saying your daughter can't manage a holiday and on the the hand saying she wouldn't understand her sibling going. At her age that behaviour is ridiculous and she needs clear signals from you both it won't he tolerated.
It just all smacks a bit of my way or the highway.....

Ps if you go, could you go to some parks alone with just your family? If you are paying for some park tickets , maybe you could just go and just not hang out with the whole family all the time

YANBU. This would be my idea if hell.

Well I didn't like to say rookie but yes... maybe they thought it would be amusing to slum it with the Mickey-loving proles for a few weeks?

You stay home withDD and let him and other child go..??

In this situation I'd go and just relax and let everything wash over me. And just let it go. Whatever it is. It's a holiday, you can afford to put your rules on hold for a great time for the DC. I think your DD may enjoy it, you'll never know if you don't go.

Sadly I don't have In laws that could afford it.

YANBU,stick with what you know OP.You know your MIL will force whatever she wants whenever she wants it onto you all.

It sounds like the whole holiday would be a nightmare for you and your DD and if your DH never stands his ground with his parents it doesn't sound like it would be good for yours and your husbands relationship.

Save up and take them to Euro Disney when you can,it sounds like you'd all have a much nicer time that way.

I would let DD1 go with DH but I would feel terrible for DD2. She wouldn't understand why she can't go and her sister can't but I know she wouldn't enjoy it.

But look at it the other way...

If DD1 would love it but DD2 wouldn't - let DD1 and dh go; you and DD2 stay home. Why is it unfair to DD2 if you know she wouldn't like it? Surely it would be just as unfair to DD1 is you know she would love it, but prevent her going just because DD2 wouldn't?

I love my in laws-all of them- and we have a great time when we get together. And I still wouldn't go on a 2 week holiday with them. Way too much time together.

I think the choices are you all go and you suck it up (and tell your dh that you've done your bit and no more holidays en famille for a good while)

you stay home but dh and the children go.

You put your foot down, say no, and deal with the fallout and your husband and children's disappointment.

You can't just send one child and keep the other home- she will not thank you for it.

I'd probably go and suck it up if my husband really wanted to go (he wouldn't - he agrees with me that 3 or 4 days together is the limit). I'd be polite to MIL, go along with her as much as I can, and put my foot down where it mattered- as in things that affected my children.

Fuck that for Disney.

Well you certainly make it clear you don't like them and that they are not 'like you'... (I suspect you look down on you just as much as you look down on them TBH.... As for who started it....)
So yes I think it would be asking too much of you to be polite and finding compromise with them.

As this would be a nightmare for you (and consequently the others), I don't think you should go.
But your DH and your dcs should not be deprived from a holiday they will enjoy because of you.
As for your dd2, she is more likely to learn how to be away from home if she has experience of it, surrounded by her family (eg her dad and siblings) than by staying at home.

only you can tell if your DD would be unhappy/anxious away for that long then that's not going to be fair on her/ enjoyable for the rest of you however it is a amazing holiday.
Can you talk to Bil Sil, and discuss flight times and the rest? They may well feel the same as you?
I will say from my experience Florida is a busy holiday lots to do and see when we went in a big group there was lots of splitting up to see different things etc, so it may not be as you are picturing.

A holiday is a big decision you need to talk it all through with your DH before you make a decision, it should be a joint decision really.

I can see why you don't want to go but I think it would be unfair of you to stop your DH and your children from going. Leave it up to your DD to decide whether she wants to go. Even if she feels a bit homesick when there I doubt that it will be bad considering she will be with her dad, brother and extended family.

Btw your DH is much more likely to learn to stand up to his mum if he has to deal with issue coming from her behaviour.
You flying over to solve the issue is too easy.

They created the problem, they deal with it.

Do you really think you couldn't put up with one person being a bossy bugger for a fortnight to gratefully accept a free great bloody holiday for you and your family?

It's just your husband's mum. She doesn't sound like a monster, just an overbearing but ultimately generous and thoughtful person. She can't possibly dislike you as much as you imagine. Has she never shown you kindness before?

Does your husband think your daughter could cope with a holiday?

To be fair re organisation.. would Mil really get to sort it all? How is she with technology? How well does she know Disney and how it all works?

Most of it will need to be sorted online before you go - using My Disney Experience website.

Flights are dictated to by flight companies - most leave in the morning and land mid to late afternoon ime.

You need to use the online park crowd calculators beforehand and choose which parks for which days based on those ideally.

Disney restaurant reservations are essential for Disney in our experience over recent years. You book them up to 180 days in advance - dead on 180 days for the most popular restaurants! Once they are done they can be cancelled up to 24 hours in advance with no charge, but it does help you plan which park when, which can be useful.

FastPasses are done 30 days in advance (or 60 days if staying in a Disney hotel) - again can be changed but for popular rides they are essential to good planning.

So - depending on your MIL's computer/online skills and organisation skills she may not be fully in control anyway.

I wouldn't go. It just sounds like it wouldn't be fun for anyone.

DH came home one day a few years ago and said MiL had offered to pay for us all to go to a place we often holiday. I'm afraid I laughed in his face. She's quite controlling and demanding, and we wouldn't have had a minute's peace.

YABU.

Your younger DD is old enough to not pull histrionics over being homesick. And to be honest, she probably won't care about being away from home because she'll be at DISNEYWORLD. That's like a dream for someone her age. Please don't let her miss out on such an amazing opportunity because you've decided for her that she can't cope.

DLP is nowhere near the standards of Orlando - Orlando has more theme parks, better ride, more to do, plus there's Busch Gardens, Seaworld, Discovery Cove, Universal Studios and Harry Potter World. I think I would suck it up for sake of my children being able to enjoy all of that.

Surely you can split off and do things seperately, I don't think many grandparents have the energy/inclination to spend two weeks in the parks, so I'm sure there'll be plenty of family time with your DH and DD's.

Your daughters will love it. If you could afford to go separately I would say fine, go with the girls next year alone, but you've stated you can't afford to take them. I think you'll regret giving up such a huge opportunity for them - it's the experience of a lifetime for children of that age.

YABU - Orlando is a holiday of a life time and I think you'd be silly not to go! (Euro Disney has nothing on Orlando!)

I know PIL might be a nightmare but once you're actually out there, fuck it and do what you want when you want! What they going to do? Send you home?

Please go, you're children will love it! Like I did when I was 9 and 12! x

I think you are being slightly selfish as your DC would probably enjoy it if you allowed then too.

You sound almost like you have an inferiority thing going on around your dh's family. Don't let you DC miss out on something which could be wonderful.

Just state that you will be buying the park tickets to suit you and your immediate family....you don't have to go to every attraction together especially if you are paying for tickets.

The only problem with you not going is it sounds like your MIL would be delighted.

going on a sleepover without your parents is very different to going on holiday with them, my very sensitive ds2 loved disney in april.

hula has made some very valid points too.

i think it will be a shame for your children if they don't go, but you don't have to go too.

Your reasons for not going all seem to be about you and your younger daughter which sounds unfair on your older daughter and husband. Let them go and you stay with your younger daughter.

Thank you everyone for your advice/opinions.

Have spoken to DH- and we have decided we are going to go. It will be an amazing experience for all of us and we haven't had a family holiday for nearly 6 years.

I will admit I can be a bit of a "helicopter" parent. I guess some of my anxiety about DD2 getting upset reflects on to her which doesn't help the situation.

However- I have told DH to remind his mother that i'm DCs parent and that decisions regarding them will be made by me. I really don't mean for this to sound controlling but honestly (and DH has admitted this and BIL has said it me to me in some words when pissed) she just isn't very good with children and doesn't know how to handle them sometimes. DD1 tends to ignore her -preteen little madam but she does have a tendency to upset DD2 with some of the things she says and does and she doesn't understand she isn't as openly loving as me and DH are- I do not mean this in a nasty way. She just isn't a hug/kissing/I love you type grandparent but as parents we are.

I've also said to him it would be nice to spend sometime just the four of us even if just going for a meal or two while we are away. He has agreed.

We can't tell DDs yet because MIL wants to surprise DNiece at her birthday next week.