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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has offered to pay for all to go to Orlando. AIBU to say no?

213 replies

hairyfreckle · 22/05/2016 19:48

MIL has offered for the whole family (me, DH, 2 kids, BIL SIL and their 4 kids plus MIL and FIL). Everything paid for- villa, flights, food over there. All we would need to pay for would be park tickets and personal money for shopping (hello outlet malls)

Anyway. I don't want to go (reasons why listed below). DH said I am being unreasonable and we can put up with her for 2 weeks. It probably isn't something we will be able to afford to do ourselves while the kids are young enough to be interested (already 11 and 9) but we will probably be able to go to Euro Disney in another year or so now I am working again.

MIL is very controlling in what she does- so the whole holiday will be decided by her. Where we go on what day, when we fly (i.e. if we could we would want to choose flights that get in at nighttime so the kids can go straight to bed when we get to the villa etc), what we eat etc. There is no disagreeing with her- if you do, she goes off in a sulk swearing saying how ungrateful we all are.

I don't have a good relationship with DHs family- DH is very easy going but his family are a bit snobish. All have/have had upper class careers and I work in a minimum wage job part time and have only returned to work this year. Apart from general chit chat we don't talk- we just have nothing in common. It would probably mean I go to bed early on while they sit and drink wine talking about hunting or whatever bollocks it is they are doing now.

DD2 gets homesick very easily. She can't even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset- it isn't because she wants me and DH, it's because she wants to be at home. She is very shy and anxious and honestly I think it would all be a bit overwhelming for her and someone (probably me) would end up staying at the villa with her watching films etc which we can do at home. I honestly can't see her interacting with the characters, going on rides etc. She will just cling to me or DH.

DH can turn into a nightmare when he is around PIL. I 100% understand they are his parents but he agrees with everything they say. If they tell him to do something with DDs (e.g. at Xmas time MIL said they could have Coke 1/2 hour before bed, I said no, MIL said yes and DH agreed with her because she was getting irate. I know it was a "special occasion" but it was already 9.30, we had more presents to wrap and I wanted to get to bed. He admitted to me he only did it to shut her up). He just can't stand up for himself. We argue everytime they visit/we go to visit which means we are both sulking for a day or two and MIL walks around looking smug. It would ruin everybody's holiday and isn't fair on DC and other family members.

I would suggest the DC go with DH- but they have done this before and MIL ended up getting DD2 into such a state I had to fly out and bring her home. She just doesn't understand how sensitive she is and she can be a crippling emotional bully.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hairyfreckle · 22/05/2016 20:08

Maybe I am overthinking it. DD2 is Disney obssesed but she finds being away from home/strange people distressing. Maybe she will enjoy it anyway with it being Disney but it's a long way for us to go to find out on Day 1 she doesn't like it and is tears wanting to go home.

OP posts:
ThoraGruntwhistle · 22/05/2016 20:08

If a holiday causes you more worry, work and stress than being at home, it's not a holiday. It's just stress in a new location.
Very kind offer in its own way... but I wouldn't want to go away with a person who needs to control everyone or to go somewhere that I knew would make my child anxious and unhappy.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 22/05/2016 20:09

11 and 9 is old enough to clock adult behaviour and tension/outright emotional bullying.

The message that children should learn to put up with people behaving in the way the OP describes in exchange for a free holiday is not one I'd be keen on promoting to my DC.

But yes, OP. Ask your daughter what she thinks about the idea.

araiba · 22/05/2016 20:10

so ask her if she wants to go!!

HermioneWeasley · 22/05/2016 20:11

OP, I LOVE holidays and I LOVE Orlando, but what you've described just isn't worth it.

You've explained it really clearly here, would your DH not see sense? If he wants to go for his own fun, let him go.

araiba what has OP said that she seems controlling? Paying for the holiday does NOT entitle you to to pick everything without thought for the people going, unless you are a complete nightmare.

SavageBeauty73 · 22/05/2016 20:11

I'd go but I'm incredibly easy going. Your kids are old enough to put up with whatever time flights she books; she is paying a huge amount!

Would your youngest child really not enjoy it? Surely bits of it would work for her.

Do you try and make conversation with them and they ignore you? Maybe they sense you don't like them?

I don't let my kids drink Coke but if a grandparent gave them one I'd laugh it off but make it clear they aren't allowed.

Dinosaur1991 · 22/05/2016 20:11

Yanbu, when I was a child my grandparents offered to take the whole family to Florida, Disneyland. I'll be honest and admit that all the children, including me, had a great time. However, years later I found out how horrid it was for my parents. Before we had even left Gatwick my dad and grandad had threatened each other with violence. They didn't make up throughout the holiday and my mum has said she was on eggshells for the whole time. Florida is so overwhelming and I think it's hard to get on with so many family members in that environment, especially when you don't get on normally!

Blu · 22/05/2016 20:12

It sounds hell, but then I would find the Disney thing hell even without the MIL experience.

Could you send DD1 with her cousins and grandchildren?

In another year your DD1 will surely be too old for Disney in Europe?

FreshHorizons · 22/05/2016 20:13

YABU. You could make it a good holiday for your DCs if you made an effort for them.

Sounbelievablydull · 22/05/2016 20:13

Oh dear
How have you turned the holiday of a life time into such a horror.
Worrying about bed times?? Honestly???
Your children are the perfect age for this suck it up and be nice - sounds like your husband has married his mother

BombadierFritz · 22/05/2016 20:15

Have you got other concerns about dd2 and her behaviour and have you ever asked for a referral to see if there is help available if she is very socially anxious and keen on routine?
If it is notso serious, maybe your dh and kids is a good compromise. I just wondered if perhaps there is more to her behaviour?

Blu · 22/05/2016 20:15

You do sound equally fussy: worrying about flight times, Coke half an hour before bed at Christmas: at their age they can surely just go to bed after having Coke!

Buggers · 22/05/2016 20:16

Yabu

eurochick · 22/05/2016 20:16

I think you are overthinking. I can't believe any 9 year old would rather stay home than go on a holiday like this. I think you are letting the chip on your shoulder (upper class careers, really?!?) get in the way here. In the unlikely event it's a disaster, it's only a week or two out of your lives. It's well worth taking the risk in my view.

EmbraceTheSarcasm · 22/05/2016 20:17

I'd say no thanks, amazing offer, but sorry not for us at this stage etc not only because of the terrible in-law dynamic but also because it would be a really stressful time and a huge financial debt in a way, AND you'd have to go to disneyworld! Horrors.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2016 20:18

Initially I thought YABVvU, but reading further, the Holiday comes with stings, you will be controlled through the 2 weeks you are there and will be thoroughly miserable, which is not what holidays shoukd be about. Go to Eurodisney by yourself, have an even better time.

bloodyteenagers · 22/05/2016 20:18

Spend two weeks with a bully?
Not a chance.
You wouldn't go on holiday with the local bully so why is it any different because dna happens to be shared?

The kids won't enjoy it. Think about it. One has problems as it is and is very emotional. The nan, you know one person who is supposed to actually be nice has reduced the girls to tears previously. Yea she will really enjoy that.
The other sister, don't think she will enjoy watching her sister being picked on.
Then the atmosphere. Don't think either child will enjoy that.

Fuck that. Life is too short to spend it with people who belittle and pick on your child. I realise I am a weird person as regardless of where it is. I don't purposely let my kids stay with bullies.

If some of you think it is so bloody amazing, offer to go in ops place.

Vixyboo · 22/05/2016 20:18

Personally I wouldn't want any gift, however incredibly generous it is, that comes with strings attached.

My PIL gave us a huge sum of money towarss buying our house a few years ago. MIL made it very clear she wanted to come and see houses with us and help us find somewhere. FIL put his foot down and said absolutely not. He said the money was to help us but came with no obligations. He said the money did not entitle them to tell us where to live.

I respect him hugely.

FreshHorizons · 22/05/2016 20:18

Maybe you and MIL are just too alike!
Your DD will be happier and enjoy it if you go with the flow and relax.

bloodyteenagers · 22/05/2016 20:22

If the girl would enjoy it if op relaxed and went with the flow. How does this explain the time op wasn't there and she had to fly out because the mil had done something to upset the dd that much?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2016 20:23

Have some if you not read the op, MIL is toxic and EA, the holiday comes with strings. How can you be easy going when somebody is controlling where you eat, what you eat, where you go, and makes the holiday about them. That is not a gift.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2016 20:24

I agree bloody when op was not tgere, Mil managed to upset her dd, so much so she had to fly out.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/05/2016 20:24

I do see your concerns but it's such a generous offer, I know I would go!

FreshHorizons · 22/05/2016 20:25

It is explained because she didn't go with the flow and relax! She abandoned her DD and stayed at home.
Her DD is getting all her body language etc. If OP did relax and go with the flow DD wouldn't pick up on the dreadful atmosphere.

araiba · 22/05/2016 20:26

araiba what has OP said that she seems controlling?

her example was mil giving dds a drink and her saying no. it was xmas! a coke wont kill them but no, she had to make a big song and dance about it

she hasnt even asked her disney mad dd if she wants to go to disneyland ffs. she just decided herself that dd doesnt want to go

obviously a degree of consideration of others must be taken when booking flights etc but if an evening arrival is £100 more each than an afternoon arrival then mil should pick the afternoon and save £1000.