MIL has offered to pay for all to go to Orlando. AIBU to say no?

[hairyfreckle]

MIL has offered for the whole family (me, DH, 2 kids, BIL SIL and their 4 kids plus MIL and FIL). Everything paid for- villa, flights, food over there. All we would need to pay for would be park tickets and personal money for shopping (hello outlet malls)

Anyway. I don't want to go (reasons why listed below). DH said I am being unreasonable and we can put up with her for 2 weeks. It probably isn't something we will be able to afford to do ourselves while the kids are young enough to be interested (already 11 and 9) but we will probably be able to go to Euro Disney in another year or so now I am working again.

MIL is very controlling in what she does- so the whole holiday will be decided by her. Where we go on what day, when we fly (i.e. if we could we would want to choose flights that get in at nighttime so the kids can go straight to bed when we get to the villa etc), what we eat etc. There is no disagreeing with her- if you do, she goes off in a sulk swearing saying how ungrateful we all are.

I don't have a good relationship with DHs family- DH is very easy going but his family are a bit snobish. All have/have had upper class careers and I work in a minimum wage job part time and have only returned to work this year. Apart from general chit chat we don't talk- we just have nothing in common. It would probably mean I go to bed early on while they sit and drink wine talking about hunting or whatever bollocks it is they are doing now.

DD2 gets homesick very easily. She can't even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset- it isn't because she wants me and DH, it's because she wants to be at home. She is very shy and anxious and honestly I think it would all be a bit overwhelming for her and someone (probably me) would end up staying at the villa with her watching films etc which we can do at home. I honestly can't see her interacting with the characters, going on rides etc. She will just cling to me or DH.

DH can turn into a nightmare when he is around PIL. I 100% understand they are his parents but he agrees with everything they say. If they tell him to do something with DDs (e.g. at Xmas time MIL said they could have Coke 1/2 hour before bed, I said no, MIL said yes and DH agreed with her because she was getting irate. I know it was a "special occasion" but it was already 9.30, we had more presents to wrap and I wanted to get to bed. He admitted to me he only did it to shut her up). He just can't stand up for himself. We argue everytime they visit/we go to visit which means we are both sulking for a day or two and MIL walks around looking smug. It would ruin everybody's holiday and isn't fair on DC and other family members.

I would suggest the DC go with DH- but they have done this before and MIL ended up getting DD2 into such a state I had to fly out and bring her home. She just doesn't understand how sensitive she is and she can be a crippling emotional bully.

AIBU?

My main worry here is the dh, if you have a nightmare mil its 100x worse of your dh isn't on board with your feelings, you are basically stranded at sea. Even more so if you are away from home, trapped with them.

You need to have a sot down and a talk with your dh op, you are entitled to enjoy yourself on holiday too. Especially mention that the arguments you have with each other caused by his mother make you upset.

Separate cars are a must here I think, and ground rules laid down with dh to cover a number on scenarios are essential too.

But make sure you have your own sanity escape plan if he drifts back into agreeing with his mother the whole time.

When, not if, he agrees with his mother all the time

None of them are going to have personality transports just because they're in Orlando

It's not actually real magic

TRANSPLANTS not transports!

YANBU its sounds like it would be awful for you and if you dont want to go dont go. However i would ask how your children feel about it and if they say they want to go with your DP id just let them go as it could be an incredible experience for them. Thats what i would personally do. Theres no way i would go on a holiday myself that i didnt want to be on just to keep the peace though!

None of them are going to have personality transplants just because they're in Orlando

Yes, and the fact that they are away and trapped with each other will exasperate the personality clashes even more...

YANBU.

Holidays are supposed to be enjoyable. Do you really want to spend 2 weeks of your precious holiday time with someone who will dictate the entire 2 weeks and make life miserable for you and your DD, and have to put up with a spineless husband (in the presence of his overbearing mother) to boot?

No thank you. I wouldn't go.

We're potentially looking at a similar proposal. I've already made my feelings on the proposals very clear to my husband, but luckily he agrees to a large extent with me. We are not going to put ourselves in a position where his mother thinks she gets to call all the shots (along with his princess of a sister). Ugh. No thank you.

OP, when you are there, consider it a "second job" not a holiday - a job to help your DDs have fun. Any enjoyment for you is a bonus!

"So now is your chance to stand up to your mil, so you all have a nice time."

This is such a ridiculous statement it's laughable.

MIL is a controlling bully. Standing up to her won't result in everyone having a "nice time". Controlling bullies get away with their behaviour by punishing anyone who stands up to them. MIL will sulk, rant, accuse anyone who disagrees with her of being ungrateful, drive a wedge between the OP and her DH and/or children. If "standing up to her" was easy, the OP would have done a better job of it before.

I haven't RTwholeT because I got as far as page 5 and the OP has found a compromise, so was going to just leave, but am going to post to say I'm absolutely stunned there aren't more (or, indeed by page 5, any) posts saying
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Because the OP soooo does.

So, OP, if you're going to suck it up and go, you need to set some ground rules with DH before you go. So red-lines, some code-words and some time without MIL.

Her offer is amazingly generous, and I'm sure both your DC will have a brilliant time, but I had (past tense, as he sadly died) a generous but controlling parent, so I know what it feels like to be offered something amazing, but the ts & cs to be hideous.

Pack your Big Girl Pants.

MIL is being very generous, she will not rule the roost unless you allow her to.

YANBU.
But.
After 2 weeks, wouldnt DH be a bit fed up with them too?
If that were possible I'd go. And let them deal with the upset homesick kid.
I'm a horrible person

You're not being unreasonable, but... would she like to take me and my family instead? I want to meet Belle

DIsney Florida and Disney Europe are quite different and Disney Florida is much much nicer: the weather is nicer and the atmosphere is nicer and the queues are shorter and there are other things like the water parks and so forth
When your DC become 12 they will have to pay full fares on planes so the trip will probably never be made;
I'm feeling sad for you and your family OP that you cant get along enough to go on what is a brilliant family holiday of a lifetime and a very generous offer
Not surprised though. So many families are dysfunctional over holidays and festivals.
So should one go on a dysfunctional holiday or not go at all? What does yor DH think?
I think your options are

1. No one goes: your DH might hate you for the rest of his life: Eurodisney isnt cheap either.
2. Your DH and the 2 DC go and you stay behind
3. You all go and you make an effort to be nice and calm and smooth the path for your family and appear grateful

Tbh I sometimes wonder how old modern mothers are. Unless your inlaws are abusive I think you are being rather horrid about them. Your inability to even feel excited for your children or yourself ( I loved disney land florida in my thirties with my DC and DH) is immature and reflects badly on you.

There are downsides: park tickets are expensive, refreshments are expensive, queues can be long, your family wont all get on all of the time, but as a young family this is a chance to strengthen the wider support system for yourself and your DC and DH by going on holiday with the in laws. You don't have to go on all the parks: Those villa swimming pools can be lovely.

The whole "I dont get on with my MIL' ethos is of course age old. If you dont get on with your Mil then you don't and you wont go I suppose and so your family life will be different to those who do, or who make an effort. My age group are at the stage when they are becoming MIL's and being nice people many of my friends are anxious to be nice MILS . Maybe your MIL is trying to be nice to you. A bit of respect to her wont come amiss. You will outlive her and be a MIL in your turn. But if you decide that this 'holiday' is a chance for battle between you and your MIL then just don't go. You will spoil their holiday.

I do sympathise though.
When two females want to rule the roost things can be very difficult indeed.
I get on well with my MIL but I don't get on at all with my mum who at 86 is still a control freak. I do go on very enjoyable holidays with her as an adult and with DC and DH but I haven't lived with her since my late teens.

YANBU.

Not at all! Holidays r meant to be fun. Relaxing time. Two weeks is a long time to spend with people you don't like and who drains all your energy.

I turned down a weekend away with my ILs for the same reason. I couldn't bear the thought of spending a whole weekend under one roof and feeling suffocated and controlled or talked down to in a patronising manner. Free stuff like this is never free. It comes with strings attached. If you do not enjoy spending time with these people, don't go and don't drag your daughters through this either. Especially if your husband is like mine and cannot stand up to his mother.

Kids don't need fancy holidays. What they need is a happy mum and dad.

It sounds like if u went you would have to spend a fair bit of money on entrance tickets and stuff which could amount to thousands anyway. Do u really wanna make such an expense and have a stressful time or would u rather save the money n treat your daughters to some fun where u are all happy?

Big hug, not easy standing your ground especially if ur husband is guilt tripping u but also where a lot of people would think YABU. Stay strong x

I agree with the poster above who suggests treating the holiday like work; it will be work for you and you will need a rest to recover if you go!

sorry just realised you are going
Good decision
I hope you have a nice time : remember to just chill a bit too !
Tell us about it when you get back. Good luck.

I have this dilemma. DH's parents are multi-bisquillionaires and take the entire family (20+ people) to an exotic location every year. It sounds heavenly, doesn't it? But it isn't for me or DH. It's basically hard work, thanks to toxic MIL for whom nothing is ever good enough. Luxury villa on private beach in Thailand? The pool tiles are too slippery. Isolated Fijian Island? The food's terrible. Family walk in gorgeous jungle? Too many flies. You get the idea. I can't bear it. That woman drags me down. I don't know how FIL puts up with her.
We go so the kids can run about with their cousins. They love it. They're oblivious to the adult dynamics at play.

Luxury villa on private beach in Thailand? The pool tiles are too slippery. Isolated Fijian Island? The food's terrible. Family walk in gorgeous jungle? Too many flies. I am completely convinced this is an actual psychological condition.

When DH and I had out honeymoon, I thought about really going big and going to Bora Bora. I looked at over water bungalows. But all the reviews were terrible. Because when you pay $600 a night, you expect dancing unicorns with fairy waiters. When the sea is still salty and the mosquitoes still bite, you're pissed off.

When went budget to Marrakesh and it was great. Bought a carpet.

Typos. So many typos.

Yes but the problem is she turns me into PollyAnna. She says, ugh, this sand is a bit coarse. And then I brightly chip in and say oh, but isn't the view lovely, it really is wonderful, what a marvellous beach. It's like I have to counteract her incessant negativity with relentless positivity, just to even up the balance. I hate what that woman turns me into. It's a crap dynamic.

Sorry, thread hijack.

Kiwi I would try something different the next time. When she says "the sand is a bit coarse" say "it is and to be honest the sea isn't as blue as I expected". Whatever negative shit she throws, just give it back, agree and add to it.

I think people like your MIL love the dynamic of complaining and having everyone around them trying to make them feel better about the situation (which is actually great - they just love the attention).

So be Job's comforter. When she complains, say you are so right and you know what else is awful...

I think you might enjoy yourself more and she might be wrong footed enough to snap out of it.

Ideally you would get dh and all your in laws in on this. It would actually be funny to see your MIL's reaction if everyone agreed with her complaints and added their own. go on!

It would be more interesting to go to Hell than Orlando. As an American, I deeply regret what Disney has done to mainstream culture. Just say no.

YANBU

It sounds like hell.

DH needs to support you more.