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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Ladies first'

214 replies

AddToBasket · 20/05/2016 22:13

A male colleague said this to a female colleague today and I instinctively bristled.

FC: On you go
MC: No, no, you go. Ladies first. [stands back, FC passes]

Me (internal monologue) - errrr, aaaahhhhhh.

MC is generally lovely, FC was oblivious and thinking about other stuff. Neither even noticed the exchange. AIBU for being a bit bothered?

OP posts:
Janecc · 21/05/2016 11:34

Theydontknow yes, you're correct. Smile. I'm looking it also from a biblical sense of Adams rib going grrrr. Its just my feelings and I'm an irrational fe-male Grin not that I'm saying all fe-males are.... Yes, when we look at the etymology of many words - taking m/f married parties as part of your explanation above - "man and wife" (human and wif prefix) or "husband and wife" (head of the house and wif prefix). So there you go, we are not human ladies, we are a prefix... She says backing away having just said ladies.....

QuinionsRainbow · 21/05/2016 13:55

My father use to say "I'm not holding the door open because you are a lady, I'm holding it open because I am a gentleman!"

MariaSklodowska · 21/05/2016 14:30

tbh I think everyone should hold the door for whoever is behind them, regardless of gender. You know...like basic manners?

See Quinions, that kind of thing would just get my goat and I would be liable to 'accidently' step on his foot.

Also i couldn't stand some little man scuttling ahead and opening the door for me, as though i were too weak to get it myself.

MariaSklodowska · 21/05/2016 14:31

you know what I mean Quinions? No offence but it sounds like your dad just liked opening doors for women in order to insult them , doesnt it?

Waitingfordolly · 21/05/2016 14:43

YANBU I would also find this annoying, why is my sex relevant to the order in which I walk through a door? Polite door opening is good and possible for either sex, ladies first is patronising and draws attention to a sexist view of the world.

dementedma · 21/05/2016 14:51

This made me laugh

'Ladies first'
thebestfurchinchilla · 21/05/2016 14:58

Love the sound of your dad quinions

Janecc · 21/05/2016 15:06

Me too quinions!

IthinkIamsinking · 21/05/2016 15:10

YABU
And ridiculous

iminshock · 21/05/2016 15:16

Ladies should always go first.
Yabu

oliviaclottedcream · 21/05/2016 17:32

Terrible, terrible man. Hope you reported him to HR??

betsyderek · 21/05/2016 18:34

Olivia Grin she could maybe just log it with 101...

nooka · 21/05/2016 20:14

Those of you bringing up your sons to hold doors open, are you only teaching them to open doors for women, or for anyone who needs it? If you also have daughters what are you teaching them? To hold back until a handy man comes along?

Everyone should be polite and courteous to each other, and ostentatiously opening doors, pulling back chairs etc for people who you know don't like it is to me the opposite of polite.

quinions father and TheVillagePost's grandfather in my opinion put their own ideas about 'proper' behaviour before the wishes of others which is I think very discourteous.

I want to be able to offer and receive help not because of outdated and sexist social conventions but because I live in a world where people generally look out for each other.

libertygirl · 21/05/2016 20:17

My hubby has just said he feels like joining mumsnet just to reply to this thread. He is 41 and a true gentlemen. I joke that he was born too late. I have been telling him what is on here and he said he didn't realise that he's been offending people all this time.

He holds doors open, says ladies first, pulls out chairs, stands at the back in lifts and apologises to women if he swears.

He says he does this because he respects women and holds them in high regard. He says hes never done it because he thinks women aren't capable. He has also never been moaned at for it though so this was quite an eye opener. I've just had to persuade him to carry on being him in the hope that it never dies out.

I'd rather have all those behaviours than be part of the cultures where women are treated as less and made to walk 10 steps behind etc.

And before anyone says it,I'm not a 50s housewife. :)

Original poster
AddToBasket · 21/05/2016 20:24

He says he does this because he respects women and holds them in high regard.

Liberty, your DH sounds absolutely lovely. I suppose the issue here is that it is about respecting people and holding everybody in high regard. It's drawing the difference that's at issue.

FWIW, as a previous poster has pointed out the kind of people that do say this are actually often the people with the best manners towards everybody. (The MC in this scenario is.)

OP posts:
libertygirl · 21/05/2016 20:37

Addtobasket (I don't know how to tag sorry) yes he is lovely and thinking about it he is respectful to everybody. He is very much liked at work and is known and referred to as a gentleman. I'm very proud of him :)

Anyway enough of the soppy crap fron me. Lol

Its been an interesting read because I have never looked at life like this so have had my eyes opened to how some women feel. I don't know if I dare say this but you kw hoe done people complain about being wolf whistled at? Well it happened to me recently when a young lad drove past in a builders van. They were clearly taking the mick (I'm short,brunette, plain and 39) but it made my day. I grinned from ear to ear. Lol

I guess it depends how seriously people take themselves and life. :)

londonrach · 21/05/2016 20:57

Quintins...your father...he sounds amazing

nooka · 21/05/2016 21:00

You know that whistling is not a sign of respect or appreciation libertygirl? Why the fuck would someone wolf whistling at you make you so happy? I'm sure that wasn't the intention of the lads.

Re you husband I know lots of guys like that, mostly ex police. Nice men but apparently incapable of treating me (their colleague) as a person, one of them because they are always so busy treating me as a lady. After a full day of having them refuse to go through the door I have just opened for them, insist that I walk in front of them even when they have the keys/access code etc it gets very wearing indeed. And no I'd not complain because it's obviously ingrained behaviour, but that doesn't mean I appreciate being othered all day.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2016 21:20

YABU

BennyTheBall · 21/05/2016 21:23

I have never, I am pleased to say, come across this 'ladies first' business.

I would tear a strip off anyone that said that to me.

NicknameUsed · 21/05/2016 21:54

"I have never, I am pleased to say, come across this 'ladies first' business."

You must be very young then

"I would tear a strip off anyone that said that to me."

Oh FGS, that would just be rude. It is just an old fashioned way of people being polite. You are massively overthinking this and giving feminism a bad name.

libertygirl · 21/05/2016 21:59

Nooka I never said being wolf whistled was a sign of respect. I said it made me grin. I am the sort of woman who fades into the background so if some strapping young lad notices the dowdy mum that I am and does a jokey wolf whistle then it makes me smile. Life is fun and not about taking everything so seriously. I guess I take life lightly and if someone is having a bit of fun it makes me smile. :)

Good job we are all different. ;)

Waitingfordolly · 21/05/2016 21:59

Excuse in advance if this is a crap link but this describes pretty well why wolf whistles and "compliments" might not be all they seem m.mic.com/articles/143478/one-tweet-perfectly-sums-up-why-catcalls-aren-t-just-compliments#.7ompbNxT3

Jofo · 21/05/2016 22:39

I'd say that it was just basic manners and really nothing to get worked up about.

Mrsbird311 · 21/05/2016 22:53

Blimey I don't have a problem with being called a lady, darling, babe anything, men are always offering to carry my luggage, shopping, I've even got a man to park my car for me once!!! It's just being nice and it's nice for people to do stuff for you and it makes them feel useful and manly, win win, sometimes I do put it on a bit and was acting a bit pathetic at the tip so the guy there emptied my whole boot for me, everybody's happy!!!

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