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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Ladies first'

214 replies

AddToBasket · 20/05/2016 22:13

A male colleague said this to a female colleague today and I instinctively bristled.

FC: On you go
MC: No, no, you go. Ladies first. [stands back, FC passes]

Me (internal monologue) - errrr, aaaahhhhhh.

MC is generally lovely, FC was oblivious and thinking about other stuff. Neither even noticed the exchange. AIBU for being a bit bothered?

OP posts:
Original poster
AddToBasket · 20/05/2016 23:02

Can we direct some of our attention and this bristling anger OP to people who actually need it

I really wouldn't describe this as 'anger'. When I say I bristled, what I mean is, it instinctively got my back up. I do not mean to put my colleagues' exchange on a par with Boko Haram... Confused

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 23:06

purple I expected a post with what you're saying, and I do understand and agree with it, however this perpetuate agonising over every day triviality like men opening doors for women just completely (to me) belittles what as people striving for feminism are working towards. Your example isn't trivial, it's important. It's important that you're educating your child that as a female she has every right to play with anything a male does.

bakeoffcake · 20/05/2016 23:08

I find the phrase a bit patronising but I take the gesture as I hope it was intended- just someone being polite and generous.

If I were in a lift with an older person, or someone with a pram, I'd always let them leave first.

Iknownuffink · 20/05/2016 23:10

He was displaying good manners as taught in the UK, IMO.

That said, in some male dominated cultures the last man to walk through the door is the most dominant/important.

Samcro · 20/05/2016 23:10

i love it when men do that.....can't see the harm

80sMum · 20/05/2016 23:11

That kind of gentlemanly politeness was the expected behaviour from 'nice men' when I was growing up.

It's a little old-fashioned nowadays, but I find on the whole that most men I know are more comfortable with letting a woman go first (except DH, who happily barges past, oblivious!).

eightbluebirds · 20/05/2016 23:14

YABU. If she offered for him to go though first would be be equally irritated?

It's just polite. Male or female.

Steamgirl · 20/05/2016 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 20/05/2016 23:16

Grays, it is entirely possible to have opinions on more than one issue with very little extra energy expended.

I also cannot see anyone "bristling" on this thread. Why must people always paint their opponents in this facile way?

With regards go the Women and Children First doctrine. That was more the exception then the norm in those days. This is demonstrated by the debate at the time over it in the media where it was used to keep women from agitating for voting rights.

TooOldForGlitter · 20/05/2016 23:19

But don't you see, those of you who are saying ooh it's gentlemanly, that you're agreeing with being treated differently because of your sex? If ladies (god I hate that word, sorry!) need doors opening for them by the oh so much stronger and protective sex, then what else do they need taking care of for them?

TooOldForGlitter · 20/05/2016 23:20

Let the gentleman take care of the house, you don't need to be on the deeds princess! Let the gentleman take care of the finances, now here's your housekeeping sweetcheeks.

beetroot2 · 20/05/2016 23:22

I love it too. I love having a door opened and a chair pulled out for me. My boys are taught to do this and rightly so. Doesn't mean I'm weak or less of a person.

beetroot2 · 20/05/2016 23:22

Yeah we are different. I am a different sex, so what, that's fine by me.

TyneTeas · 20/05/2016 23:22

people holding doors open for people is considerate

if the most convenient person at the door to hold it open is male, then that is fine. or vice versa

a male colleague recently all but climbed over female colleagues leaving a meeting room to race them for the door. I thanked him passive agressively politely, commenting that who knows how long we may have taken to exit without his assistance

CalleighDoodle · 20/05/2016 23:24

Not read past first page as ive drank half a bottle of wine and, you know, its about a
door.
Anyway, i find the whole opening door situation at work so stressful. Someone will be in front of me and holding the door but im not that close so i end up rushing uncomfortably. And then ive to judge whether someome is close enough for me to hold the door for them or not. Or will it make them feel under pressure as they are too far away?!

Door holding is just so frustratingly complicated and relies on physics skills of working out distance and speed and all that shit. Far too much pressure.

TooOldForGlitter · 20/05/2016 23:25

You aren't less because you aren't the main sex, that's the point. Being a delicate laydee who needs to have a door opened for her insinuates that you are.

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 23:26

I also cannot see anyone "bristling" on this thread. Why must people always paint their opponents in this facile way?

I actually got this word from the OP, so perhaps bring that one up with OP

She has since explained this wasn't from anger as I wrongly said - but still 'bristled'.

igglepiggleisanarsehole · 20/05/2016 23:26

YABU.

TooOldForGlitter · 20/05/2016 23:27

I've had far too much malibu to contribute anything worthwhile to this so I'm taking myself off to bed laydeeeez 😜

Originalfoogirl · 20/05/2016 23:27

Ladies = Just language

Ladies first = Just something people say

Really not worth bristling about. Far more obvious casual and overt sexism to worry about.

I actually think getting twisted up about these very minor, polite things gets in the way of making valid points about actually sexism. I'm all for equality and abhor sexism, especially the pernicious stuff that can go unnoticed but sets a tone, but even I roll my eyes at this kind of thing being considered a problem.

TyneTeas · 20/05/2016 23:31

i think a good indicator is would they have held it open for a male colleague too

IceBeing · 20/05/2016 23:34

I hate 'ladies' and by extension 'ladies first'.

Anyone can hold a door open politely for anyone else, but they don't have to use a term that is often used in a derogatory or insulting way while doing so.

it's definitely on the spectrum in between 'cunts first' / 'girls first' and 'after you' which really isn't a problem at all...

YANBU

Bogeyface · 20/05/2016 23:36

Random thought.......why is it considered patronizing to refer to a group of women as Ladies, but no so to refer to men as Gentlemen?

Is it perhaps that offence is being sought where none is meant? These were once titles, and they have just hung on. I see nothing in being referred to as a Lady as being offensive, unless its said in that way that you know is piss taking, but that could apply to men too.

beetroot2 · 20/05/2016 23:37

what the f is wrong with the word "ladies" I love it. Some people on here would argue that a brown paper bag shouldn't be called that in case it became offended as that might depict it was a bit dowdy Grin

IceBeing · 20/05/2016 23:39

Ladies is more derogatory than gentlemen in the same way girl is more derogatory than boy and slang for black is more derogatory than slang for white....its because the words are classified more by who they refer to than what type of word they are.