Would you miss a really important 'social' or 'sporting' engagement to see your child....

[Vagabond]

I play in a Friday morning sporting competition which is quite competitive and serious and which is played in teams and for which we all pay money to participate in. Most players (not all) are mums.

Recently, in the last few years, there has been a real increase in mums being invited with a few days notice to attend Friday morning school assembly to watch their child win a 'merit' award. (primary school). Some of these awards are for "being determined" "being friendly" or "trying hard".

I might be a total cow but I think if you've committed to a team event, a school assembly for such trivial and meaningless awards shouldn't take priority over the team you committed to.

I'm seeing lots of messages on our group FB page saying "my precious Blakey is getting an award for friendliness and I couldn't bear not to see his sweet little face...... sorry to let you all down but these are the moments I can't bear to miss".

MN Jury..... ?

Surely everyone can see that it depends on the child. What matters greatly to one child, actually won't matter to another child. My daughter would be devastated if I had missed an award assembly, but couldn't care less whether I watch her play her sport, while my son really wasn't bothered about school achievements but would have been distraught if I wasn't watching him score a goal. As a parent, it's our job to know our children and what matters to them. I try to arrange work around hospital appointments - absolute must, major school events, such as parents evenings - again, a must. Nativitys, and other performances, even just a place in the choir, if I possibly can, with the standby of a grandparent and purchase of the official DVD if it's absolutely impossible for me to get there. Minor, frequent events such as an award ceremony, where my child was getting them every few weeks, the novelty would probably wear off pretty quickly, for both me and my child (and my holiday probably wouldn't cut it either). It's unfair to judge others for making a different choice to you.

So why aren't you telling your team mates that you think these awards are trivial and meaningless? Those are the words you used, so tell them.

Clearly they don't think they are meaningless if so many of them are missing training sessions to attend the assemblies.

So why don't you grow a backbone and tell them? Nothing will change by moaning on here, so either put up and shut up or tell them how you feel.

Rare opportunity to go into school? ? At the dcs' school we seem to be invited in every week. ..maths day, science day, poetry day, mothers day, class musical, sports day, bring your parent to school day, art day, Easter bonnet parade, fathers' day, Chinese New year, national book week. ..just some of the occasions I've been invited to this calendar year.

I work, so miss a lot of them but hey. ...thanks for the guilt!

You sound a bit blinkered tbh. You say you would dream of missing your dd's weekly netball for a pals bbq. You clearly give it a v high priority even though it is "just" a child's thing and some might say you go a lot and missing one to attend a one off bbq at a mates should be more nb.

Who would I be to say you are wrong. Your life, your priorities.

Yet you see fit to completely dismiss and trivialise other people's choices simply because they are not aligned with your own priorities. I doubt v much any individual parent is gone as much as you seem to imply.

No question if people are serious about competing in a sport they need to be a bit blinkered though. Maybe you need to up your game a bit so you get into a more committed team?

YANBU

I would miss the event for my kids. In fact I do

I was the child who never had any one there, due to work focused parents. Constantly turning round and seeing other parents is grim. Husband and I both work but are there unless absolutely impossible

I can understand your frustration, but look at it in this light-

1. The mother's didn't turn up for the sport, you're upset because you think it's important and serious.

1. The mother's didn't turn up to watch their children, the children are upset because, in their innocence, this means a lot to them.

Conclusion- A parent finds their child more important at this time.
You find the game more important.

I can understand a child being upset, but I think a parent is going to put them first. This really isn't about how we feel, the child is No1 priority in this situation. It's about how they feel and a parents sense of guilt/anxiety/worry over how they might make their child feel. Some may actually enjoy going.

Your sport will always be there, but these children won't always be innocents.

We cannot and should not try to control other people, and unless they directly affect us, then they are not our concern. If the team is suffering greatly for it- Your Captain needs to recruit other team members, because...these parents can't have it all. However! That's a slippy slope of, "I can't fit in society because I'm a parent and I can't get a break."

This is a part of life, sadly. We must all just try and get on with it and hope for a better outcome.

The pressures of social media and modern day parenting are something which shouldn't be happening, but they do happen. Parents are constantly juggling their work, social and family life, striving to be perfect etc.

I am a mum of three, I have missed out on plays, but I have been there for a majority of them. My husband has missed out because of work, but if he had a choice- He would pick his family at all costs.

We all react, develop, think differently with our children and society.

I like to be there for my children it's important to them so yea I would sacrifice something for the benefit of my children. YABU.

Omg op. You really have some issues. You state that you wouldn't miss your daughters netball game for anything yet judge other parents who miss what is probably one of several hobbies to see something which is obviously important to their child. Does the term hypocrite actually mean anything to you? I think you need to step away from tennis racquet/netball and get some balance back in your life and accept that to some non sporting achievements and activities are just as important. May be some of these mums are using the assemblies as an excuse to escape your aggressive single mindedness

MrsArch my parents never came to any prize days etc when I was at school either. I was a chronic overachiever/bookworm so award type things cropped up a lot for me but 30 years later I still feel so sad that neither of them cared enough to bother coming along. Their work was flexible so it was actually that they couldn't be bothered and didn't want to. The result is that I would now absolutely move heaven and earth to be there for my own kids as I know how crushing I found it to have nobody there cheering me on.

I always go to my children's things, even if I don't enjoy them. I feel so sad for children who are obviously disappointed when their parents don't go. They are always looking for them hopefully and... well it is a shame for them so I think parents who are able to go, should go. Personally I think YABU because of this, the child's feelings, not the parents!

I try and go to as many school things I can. The look on my boys faces as they spot me in the crowd is worth the boring 15 minutes or so.

I try to go but I think there are just too many events/ requests for volunteers and other calls on parent time now. I work and if I went to everything for both children I'd never be at work.

At DS's school the headmaster gives "I'm principled", "I'm a good friend" etc awards in class each week- no parental involvement required. With the best will in the world I'm not taking half a day's holiday to see DS praised for queuing nicely for the bus. He's British . Of course he can queue

I think working parents are under too much pressure to attend school events.
I can't get time off to sit through an assembly where the teachers have scraped around finding a reason to give little Johnny an award. My employment us not that flexible.

Sorry it sounds harsh but sound schools expect parents to go in on a very regular basis. You could go in and listen to readers every day if you could.

My dd has a hobby and once a year for several weeks this is expected to come first. Plenty of notice is given with dates and times etc.
it is made perfectly clear that if you cannot commit to all dates then don't sign up for it, no problem. Now if any people decided that something else was more important( and we are not talking about serious issues) the whole thing would be a nightmare go organise.

My parents never stopped meetings, weekly events for rare things for us still grates.
Yes school assembly awards happen for the school weekly but for each child only about once a year. I found out more in that 30 mins than have in 3 years and the comprehension on lo face when saw me there fabulous. Lo realised later why I had gone to work 1.5hrs earlier. I had put quite a few people out but I work to enable me to live and care for my family.
Yabu will be the only time in my lo primary school life they didn't do until January .

Not sure what your problem actually is here. It's posted under the guise of team members cancelling but seems mostly to be with what you consider to be worthless awards. It might seem worthless to you, but to some children and parents it can be important.

Our girl has a disability. At her nursery leaving ceremony they handed out wee awards for things, helpful, kind, friendly etc. Our girl won the big shield for endeavour. The staff making the speech couldn't read it without tearing up. I was in bits, folk who had never even met her were in tears. The way she has worked so incredibly hard to overcome her disability was clear for everyone to hear and all said she was deserving of the award. It really did mean something.

So, when you see little Johnny getting the award for determination, or Betsy being awarded best listener, don't automatically assume it is worthless and they would learned these things anyway from their peers. To many children and parents these are important achievements for their children. As far as I'm concerned, it is just as important that a school recognises the achievements of children who might not be academically minded, as it is to congratulate the top students in maths, English etc. Otherwise we are teaching children that no matter how well they progress, it means nothing unless they reach the top marks.

Schools do these invites last minute and it really winds me up. I often have to miss things because of work, we do try to ensure at least one of us is at most things, but equally our girl knows we can't always be at everything. I would generally miss something, if there was a prior commitment I'd made and people were relying on me, but it would depend very much on what it was I was missing. If it was more important to our girl that I was there, then I'd choose her over friends, every time.

Yes, but then they need to tip off the relevant parents. I can't go every Friday in the hope that DC will be that week's random lucky winner of the arbitrary and rotational soft skills prize.

OP here for the last time:

Of course I agree that children are the most important people in our lives. I don't condemn other parents for their choices.

I just think that parents need a break from the endless demands to attend - IMHO- countless futile assemblies.

Children don't benefit from helicopter parenting, and it doesn't make you a great parent to have good scheduling skills to attend these countless events.
It's a lot easier to be a great parent if you're a fully evolved person with your own passions/interests/job/hobbies and have your own enjoyment in life.

Giving fully to your family doesn't always mean giving up on what you also value for yourself. We all have to prioritise all the time.... I mostly prioritise my DD's activities, desires and needs. However, sometimes mine come first too. When it comes down to letting down a team of players vs missing a minor school event, I would personally choose to not let down my team. However, I am quite obsessive about my sport and completely realise that this is a triviality for most women. I believe that I'm teaching my DD a lesson in not letting people down.

Yes because I know my DD would ask why I wasn't there. The two times I had to be elsewhere she was so disappointed. If it's important to her then it is most definitely important to me. However, I also have the luxury of being self employed so I can plan to be out of office for an hour and know that I'm lucky to be able to do so.

But I think this is a common sense thing too. If you can't be there every time then I think that is fine too.

I believe that I'm teaching my DD a lesson in not letting people down.

But by not attending you are letting her down. You are teaching her that your hobby is more important. Ask her how she sees it.

As a parent I can say it can be a bit much but at our school we're making an effort to reward more than just the normal. So we have wristbands that the children earn for learning behaviours and it's the only extra uniform they are allowed.
As a TA at the school for those parents whose kids find academic achievements difficult and we've recognised their child it's a big thing.
If you don't want to go to it then parents send a short message " sorry I can't be there, well done, I'm proud and see you later"

Meant to say though. I always go even before I worked at the school as I know DH couldn't get time off. Kids are always so proud and it means something to them.

My opinion is that these MONTHLY assemblies are a tyranny for mums

My children are adults now.
Some of these seemingly nonsense awards are some of my most precious memories. Watching my children in front of their peers seeking out my eyes in the audience, seeing me smile and applaud.

OP you are asking if it's fine to be selfish.
No it isn't.

Cat's in the Cradle.

I was the child whose mother scoffed at such things. She's an old lady now and I'm middle aged. I'm still trying to do something to please her.

Whilst I think schools should think a little harder about working parents and how they fit things in (especially the short notice) I guess teachers are hardened to it because they go to work and can't take time off I term time whether they have children or not.

On balance, I think work is different from an optional, recreational sport.

I'm sorry OP but you are being unreasonable.