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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you miss a really important 'social' or 'sporting' engagement to see your child....

206 replies

Vagabond · 19/05/2016 16:22

I play in a Friday morning sporting competition which is quite competitive and serious and which is played in teams and for which we all pay money to participate in. Most players (not all) are mums.

Recently, in the last few years, there has been a real increase in mums being invited with a few days notice to attend Friday morning school assembly to watch their child win a 'merit' award. (primary school). Some of these awards are for "being determined" "being friendly" or "trying hard".

I might be a total cow but I think if you've committed to a team event, a school assembly for such trivial and meaningless awards shouldn't take priority over the team you committed to.

I'm seeing lots of messages on our group FB page saying "my precious Blakey is getting an award for friendliness and I couldn't bear not to see his sweet little face...... sorry to let you all down but these are the moments I can't bear to miss".

MN Jury..... ?

OP posts:
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 20/05/2016 16:45

I was the child whose parents didn't turn up to these things. I am 44 now. And it still hurts and I still remember it.

You kinda sign up for these things when you have kids surely?? Compete another time eh? Your child WILL notice.

elh1605 · 20/05/2016 16:54

YABVU-but each to their own. Personally my child comes before everything. If you have to work and are unable to attend fair enough but if you'd rather play a sport than see the pride on your child's face when they receive a certificate then I'm afraid you're missing out big time!

Aquahol1 · 20/05/2016 16:57

Maybe another family member could go? my sons great granny loves that sort of thing. They don't include parents for these awards at my sons school but he comes home with the odd certificate he gets from one and we make a fuss then. I think it's a bit much to expect you to go every month.

Marty85 · 20/05/2016 17:11

I forgot DD's birthday assembly (when she was aged 7), was blissfully unaware in the hairdressers whilst she was hysterically being comforted by teachers and the mothers who did turn up! She's nearly 14 and still bangs on about it....bloody drama queen 😳

bakeoffcake · 20/05/2016 17:15

Is it bowls OP? I could understand why you wouldnt want to miss that!

If it's any other sport YABVVU.

IsItMeOr · 20/05/2016 17:15

Yes I would miss pretty much anything to see DS get one of those awards.

Despite the fact that they are given out weekly to one child in his class of 30, and there are 40 weeks in the school year, DS has only received 1 in almost 3 years at school. And the week he got it, they gave two to his class.

So yes, I would be there to see how proud of himself he was every time. And so would DH if he could.

Because DS has ASD, school is very hard for him.

SlimCheesy · 20/05/2016 17:19

My DS has ASD too and I would probably cry my eyes out to see him get an achiever award.

AnnPerkins · 20/05/2016 17:20

The school should Have 4 assemblies a year and give it a rest the rest of the time. It's just too much!

I agree. Four assemblies a year is plenty of opportunity for parents to see children's achievements and celebrate with them. Blimey, there's only three terms!

Nobody should be made to feel like a bad parent for not 'putting their child first' every time.

DS's school has a celebration assembly every week when they get little awards for stuff like being friendly, good reading, 'being DS' (genuine award apparently Grin) etc but parents aren't invited. Which is lucky for us as DH and I simply can't juggle any more time off between us this school year. And we try to save some goodwill with our employers in the hopefully unlikely event of illness or injury.

I understand the awards do have a value but just as some parents who work can't attend everything, many people who don't work also commit to things that they can't abandon at the drop of a hat. And if you commit to a team sport you are by definition relied upon to help make the sporting event happen. Would somebody who volunteered regularly be expected to 'put their child first' in this instance?

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 20/05/2016 17:22

Come hell or high water I would be at the assembly. It would be so important to my dd that I was there and if it matters to her it matters to me.

Some kids might not care as much as my dd would to be fair.

Woolyheads · 20/05/2016 17:33

Work means I can't get to many of these. I get to all that I can and am always really pleased when I do.

Peanutbutterrules · 20/05/2016 17:38

Not for you to say if they are trivial and meaningless. My DD always wanted me there; it mattered to her.

OliviaStabler · 20/05/2016 17:44

Our competition is very important to us. It's not a glorified coffee morning.

Very important to you OP but maybe not so to others when they compare it to seeing their child win an award at a school assembly. Everyone has their own priorities.

Bogeyface · 20/05/2016 18:04

Most of them spend over 6 hours a weekend on surf-life saving, motor-cross, dance, netball, footie, ...it's endless.

How is that different to you putting your DD's netball above all else? Including your coaching time, travel time, cheering on time, I would bet that you are spending at least 6 hours a week on it, so what makes that ok and it not ok for the other parents.

Seems to me that your question is

"AIBU to expect other players to put my love of my sport ahead of their commitments to their own children?"

Yes, yes you are.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 20/05/2016 18:06

Madcapped - you clearly don't play sport. Our competition is very important to us. It's not a glorified coffee morning.
Mardle.... taking time off work to look after children is boring an often unrewarding... having time to do your own thing is vitally important while you're sidelined from work. Women don't generally take time off work to attend assemblies... they do it because child-care is too expensive and working yields no financial gain.
Women are stuck with childcare and the only release they have is their hobbies........
Most women I know with children under 3 cannot afford the work/chidlcare cost balance. So they are stuck.

OP. Clearly a lot of your team mates disagree with you as they are the ones that have decided that their DC's assemblies are more important than what is in fact a game. Not vital to anyone except the participants themselves. Even if representing their country. If they lose every game the world doesn't come to an end.

mediocremumatherbest · 20/05/2016 18:10

Yes I do think you are being unreasonable.
Are you the coach?
I'd happily skip a sporty class to see my child being given an award.
Just had to read your message 3 times to make sure I wasn't missing anything.
You do sound like a bit of a cow to be fair, maybe they are dropping out because they don't like your over-bearing patronising self?

IsItMeOr · 20/05/2016 18:22

Slim there may have been a watery eye or two that day.

greathat · 20/05/2016 18:27

Being a teacher I miss a lot of my daughter's assemblies/nativities/open sessions/invitations to come and read to a group. It upsets her and if I could be there I would!

tupperwareAARGGH · 20/05/2016 18:38

Jeez you are getting a hard time. I am so grateful my DS school does these in assembly and no requirement for us parents to be there. Funnily enough my DS is not destroyed that I didn't get to se him handed a certificate.

IMO Australia is much more sporty than the UK and therefore I agree with you that your sporting event is serious to you and you need to be there. I'm not sporty at all but if it was something that I worked bloody hard at and it meant a lot to me.

Talk to your child about it and see what they say. Explain you know it might make them sad and what would they like to do to celebrate his certificate instead. I know my DS given the choice between me being there or having a choice on how to celebrate would choose the latter.

LyndaNotLinda · 20/05/2016 18:57

Being friendly assemblies are surely pre-prep things? No state school gives out prizes for that and invites parents

wolfpackonly · 20/05/2016 19:04

I get letting team mates down is a big deal. But your talking about somebodies child- if you can put virtual strangers before your child, well..

YABU.

BusyBusyBusy1 · 20/05/2016 19:09

There is a big difference between Oz and the UK when it comes to sport. Australians definitely take sport more seriously whereas I think in the UK it is considered 'just a hobby'. Neither country is right or wrong, just different.

backinthebox · 20/05/2016 19:13

I'm going to go against the flow and say that you need some time to be yourself. It is really unfortunate that the time for you is a Friday morning, as that is when many schools seem to do their special mentions assemblies. I was slated on MN last year when I had to miss a social/sporting occasion that I had been really looking forward to because my child was sent home with what turned out to be feeling hot and headachy due to sitting beside the classroom radiator. It was a Tuesday - I have made the conscious decision to make Tuesday my day even though I could take part on a weekend too. Weekends in my mind are for family. I work one weekend in every 4 anyway, so the 3 remaining weekends a month are for family time and children's events.

I do go to as many assemblies that I can, and take part in cake sales, school fetes, etc etc but Tuesday is my day, the only day of the week I defend. If school needed me to be there for something I would do it under duress if it was a one off, and make arrangements for me not to be there if it was a regular occurrence.

TooGood2BeFalse · 20/05/2016 19:21

My parents came to every single event they could, together ideally but if one couldn't make it, then the other would come alone. I am lucky to say I don't remember them missing a single play or recital, and I am one of 3 siblings.

I won't say YABU OP because you know your life and its balance best. I wouldn't miss an event of my child's for a hobby, but then again I am not sporty so can't relate to having that kind of passion for something.

AliciaMayEmory · 20/05/2016 19:24

Talk about raising a bunch of entitled little self-involved emperors

Nice attitude, OP.

Bogeyface · 20/05/2016 19:37

Talk about raising a bunch of entitled little self-involved emperors

Says the woman who wont consider missing a Friday morning hobby for her child.....