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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you miss a really important 'social' or 'sporting' engagement to see your child....

206 replies

Vagabond · 19/05/2016 16:22

I play in a Friday morning sporting competition which is quite competitive and serious and which is played in teams and for which we all pay money to participate in. Most players (not all) are mums.

Recently, in the last few years, there has been a real increase in mums being invited with a few days notice to attend Friday morning school assembly to watch their child win a 'merit' award. (primary school). Some of these awards are for "being determined" "being friendly" or "trying hard".

I might be a total cow but I think if you've committed to a team event, a school assembly for such trivial and meaningless awards shouldn't take priority over the team you committed to.

I'm seeing lots of messages on our group FB page saying "my precious Blakey is getting an award for friendliness and I couldn't bear not to see his sweet little face...... sorry to let you all down but these are the moments I can't bear to miss".

MN Jury..... ?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/05/2016 16:45

Yabu

Presumably it isn't the same mum taking the time out. If it's once or twice a year per person, I think that's fair enough. I'd definitely chose to see my child over the sporting event occasionally.

Sallystyle · 19/05/2016 16:46

Don't you remember how important these things are to you when you're a kid?

Like the PP said, I don't remember because it didn't happen.

I do remember my mum coming to sports day and wishing she didn't because I was so crap at it and didn't want anyone seeing me.

My dd 9 hates having a fuss made out of her like that. She cringes when she has these assemblies and would rather be handed one privately. She once threw the letter away in the hopes that we didn't find out about it. She has hated them since she started school, she is very introverted and private so standing up to be handed a certificate is her idea of a nightmare.

My other children all like/liked them but none of them seemed hurt if I didn't go. They were happy with their favourite tea and ice-cream.

catkind · 19/05/2016 16:46

It's a hobby. If your teammates are choosing not to work, that's probably because they want to be there for their kids, not because they want to play sport. I would see if DH could go instead, but if not I'd miss the sport. DS would be in tears if everyone else's parent was there and not his.

JennyOnAPlate · 19/05/2016 16:48

I think it depends if your Dc would be upset by you not being there or not. One of mine would be in tears, the other wouldn't care less.

newmumwithquestions · 19/05/2016 16:51

I'm assuming it's voluntary and as such I would say they're perfectly entitled to do that.

This.
Not sure going to an assembly sounds like fun to me, and I think I'd choose the sport, but my kids are pre-school so maybe I'll feel differently at the time. But this is about you having an appreciation that other people have different priorities to you in life - you won't always agree with them but what you think is irrelevant, they are their priorities not yours.

WorraLiberty · 19/05/2016 16:52

The thing is, who are you to decide the awards are trivial and meaningless?

They'll be important to some and meaningless to others, but it's down to each parent to decide which it is for them.

Much like your Friday morning sporting competitions really. Some will find them really important and others will be more easy come, easy go about them.

Hellochicken · 19/05/2016 16:53

YANBU
I would miss these award ceremonies and so would other working parents. I could understand if it was a school play or musical/concert event in primary school.

Bogeyface · 19/05/2016 16:54

Its once a month, and presumably not the same mothers each time. Thats life. You play a sport that is in school time, well sometimes school has to come first.

These awards are not about being friendly but about making children feel valued, especially those who may find school a struggle and have to make a real effort. Thats why I always attend these. DS in particular struggles with the social side of school, and these types of award give him a much needed boost to his self esteem. Me there supporting makes him even prouder. Your sports match would never ever be more important to me than that.

Do you have kids OP?

MadamDeathstare · 19/05/2016 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Vagabond · 19/05/2016 16:56

I think the problem with these assemblies is that they are so random and frequent.
If you're a working mum, would you take time out of work to attend an assembly for your child to win a "friendly child of the week" award? No.

My nephew recently came how with a "merit certificate" from school for "being determined" and he flew in the door off the school bus to show us all. We made a huge fuss, made him pancakes and his fave supper.

He got the huge thrill of winning the (albeit, small award - but big to him) the award in front of his peers at the assembly, and then coming home and waving his certificate at home. He got double the celebration.

I think schools need to regulate this If it's so important to the school and to the children for the parents to be there, then make it accessible to parents who have other plans (work, volunteering, caring for others, golf....)

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 19/05/2016 16:56

The team needs to be big enough that occasional absences aren't a problem, or the events need to be scheduled for a time less likely to clash with these kinds of assemblies.

I would certainly miss a weekly sporting commitment for a once-a-term special occasion. not that I have sporting commitments except for olympic-level popcorn munching

Toddzoid · 19/05/2016 16:56

Parents weren't invited to these assemblies when I was a child and we never felt as though we were missing out on anything Hmm. We got to feel the pride when we took it home!

My DC's school only let you know the day before via text message. It's frustrating to no end. Right now I work from home so it disrupts my day up to a point, I have to ditch work a bit earlier to walk to the assembly anyway but in September I'll be a FT student so might not be able to go... Lots of parents work FT and just can't go to these kind of things. I think it's awful for the children who are glancing around expecting to see a parent but none are there. It's not the parents fault at all, you can't be there for everything.

Hikez · 19/05/2016 16:56

What sort of 'really important sporting event' takes place on a Friday morning and is played by mainly mums?

I don't think that this 'everyone wins / gets a prize' mentality does our kids any favours myself. However, OP, you are clearly competitive and that will probably rub off on your kids.

To answer the OP question, I don't think it's fair to look down on someone just because they want to attend an assembly to see their child being given an award, no matter how small it is. Bragging about it on Facebook however......

Bogeyface · 19/05/2016 16:57

And I should add that having to work is different, this is a hobby that is undertaken voluntarily and as such is probably not taken as seriously by the participants as work would be.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 19/05/2016 17:01

The assemblies may themselves be trivial in the grand scheme of things - but I know I always prioritise being at anything at my dc's schools, because they don't like it if all the other mums are there, but I'm not.

So yanbu to be miffed that this keeps happening to your activity, but yabu to expect them not to go the assemblies. Parents do generally put things at the dc's school first.

madcapped · 19/05/2016 17:01

I would struggle to think of a weekly sporting event (so basically a coffee morning with running around) as important at all. It certainly wouldn't be more important than an annual event for my child.

MardleBum · 19/05/2016 17:02

YABU. If they have given up work or taken a career break to be a SAHM then this is the sort of thing they do it for. Sports fixtures that help pass the time when their children don't need them are all very well but at the end of the day the reason they are at home and available at all is to be there for things like sports days and parent assemblies. The time for putting yourself and your hobbies first is before you have children, not after.

Original poster
Vagabond · 19/05/2016 17:02

We can all judge our own children's abilities in the greater realm of things.

And I wholeheartedly agree that a merit award for "being friendly" or "determined" can have a great positive effect on children.

However, I maintain that the pleasure in receiving these awards comes wholly from their peers. Much like life.

OP posts:
AnnPerkins · 19/05/2016 17:03

I have to take enough time off work for scheduled school things as it is. I couldn't for something short notice like this. I wouldn't pull out of a regular team commitment for it either.

itmustbemyage · 19/05/2016 17:04

I think the school is being unreasonable in this case, perhaps once a term or once a year celebration of achievement is great. By having them so often many parents are not going to be able to attend even if they wanted to, whether due to sporting commitments, a job where they cannot take a day off at short notice, other children to look after or other caring responsibilities.
The school is setting up these kids for disappointment if their MUM or DAD cannot attend.
Also why only mums? Is it acceptable for dads to dodge these award ceremonies? What if you also have children in other schools / nurseries are you supposed to attend each and every such celebration.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 19/05/2016 17:05

Hmm, well I think it's up to the individual parent so I'd definitley not view anyoen negatively who chose to go to the school instead.

When my son was in primary I worked part time very local to the school and was able to attend all occasions like this. I used to feel it was very hard on the kids and their parents where this was not possible. e.g. my friend who is a midwife could just never make it and her son was always placed with someone else's parent for the activity. I know he wished his mum could have been there. My perception was teh school thought we were all just hanging round doing nothing all day! Though what a treat to be able to attend school to see your child if you can.

In short, I think YABU (kindly, respectfully said) - but feel for you if your team is being let down.

nobilityobliges · 19/05/2016 17:06

But how big is a sports team? 11 people? How can they all be pulling out for this specific reason on a regular basis?

nobilityobliges · 19/05/2016 17:07

Also, I think that if lots of people are doing it then that's clearly part of the culture of the club/team and it's actually not as serious as you think. Maybe you need to find a club that does take it a bit more seriously?

Helenluvsrob · 19/05/2016 17:07

Meh. Choose where you want to be. A huge number of parents don't get the choice if they are at work

LittleHouseOnTheShelf · 19/05/2016 17:09

YABU. I would always put the school event over and above anything else bar perhaps an urgent medical appointment at a hospital or a family funeral.

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