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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be mad at my non-baby friend?

128 replies

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 18:58

My friend was meant to come over for dinner tonight. We hadn't agreed a time but normally we say 7:30. This is not a coincidence as LO (4 months old) has bath feed and bed routine from 6-7. I got a text from her today to say she wanted to come over around 6 as she needed to come straight from work. I said I could let her in at that time but wouldn't be able to come talk to her until I finished bedtime routine. I got a slightly stroppy reply suggesting this is unreasonable of me and I should either feed him in the main room so I can talk to her or 'do it at a different time'! I know she doesn't have kids so doesn't entirely get it but I feel like basic courtesy is missing and would be nice... She's not coming now as I suggested we rearrange but I'm pretty annoyed. Aibu?

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/05/2016 18:59

She just doesn't understand. I wouldn't be annoyed - just explain you have a bedtime routine.

Wolfiefan · 18/05/2016 19:00

You didn't agree a time.
YABU to be mad!

Onlyicanclean10 · 18/05/2016 19:02

Yep she thinks you are mad just like we all would pre kids.

You are In different places so you might just need to let this go and ignore.

You can always remind her when she has kids.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 18/05/2016 19:02

Basic courtesy lacking on both sides. Who says to a visitor...Well I'll let you in the door but you can sit on your own for an hour....? You hadn't agreed a time, so why are you complaining about her suggesting a time?

Yes yabu. You either say the earlier time doesn't work for you or you accomodate your guest properly and change your routine.

Or you know, just have a normal human conversation with your friend instead of bitching behind her back on here?

formerbabe · 18/05/2016 19:04

You are being over the top...why couldn't you talk to her whilst doing the bath/feed?

SmallBee · 18/05/2016 19:05

YANBU, but when I've had friends do this I've just made them part of the routine. So go them to help with bath and story etc and then when it's that quiet time and you want them to leave just say to your DC 'say goodnight to Auntie X now, she's going downstairs '. Best case the extra help will be amazing and worst case your friend will at least understand why you always say 7.30 and won't push about coming over earlier again.

Original poster

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 19:05

Haha ok thanks guys! Good to have a rain check.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 19:11

(Penguin - on here instead of talking to her because I really wanted to know aibu - now I won't want to have a go at her when we next speak )

OP posts:

IceMaiden73 · 18/05/2016 19:11

Why can't she talk to you while you are doing the bedtime routine? I'm not surprised she is annoyed if your reply was we'll let you in but then you're on your own for an hour

Sonnet · 18/05/2016 19:13

She just doesn't get it as she is not in your position. She'll realise one day

zeezeek · 18/05/2016 19:14

I've got kids, but if someone said that they would let me in and then ignore me for an hr, then I'd be pretty pissed off too! Especially if I was making an effort to see someone after work. She may need to get up early and go to work and so an evening that doesn't start til 7.30 may end too late.

Original poster

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 19:14

I'm probably a bit too paranoid about the bedtime routine. He does get distracted feeding but it's more like, I have this magic ritual that makes him go down at a reliable time and sleep well - I'm scared to mess with it. But yes that might have been more sensible.

OP posts:

NotCitrus · 18/05/2016 19:16

I don't think you're being that unreasonable - certainly with older children it's impossible to pay attention to a guest and get them ready for bed at the same time. Though if your baby is only 4 months, you could probably give it a go and see what happened.

I frequently have people over who turn up straight from work and are capable of amusing themselves until the kids are in bed - what with TV, smartphones, books...

Onlyicanclean10 · 18/05/2016 19:16

penguin

You do realise the whole point of aibu is to canvass opinions.

Veterinari · 18/05/2016 19:23

I don't have kids but lots of my friends do. If I visit they're pretty happy for me to join in. It's weird to leave your friend alone when she could just sit and chat with you whikst you feed/ bathe etc

SnuffleGruntSnorter · 18/05/2016 19:26

I've had a similar situation - my baby is very very difficult to settle in the evening (he's shouting at me as I type). I explained to my friend - who is very kind and understanding although she has no children of her own - that we have a lot of difficulty at bedtime and asked her to bring a book or similar.

She arrived, set herself up a little office in my dining room and sorted out her personal admin whilst I settled he baby. After about 40 minutes she quietly pushed a glass of wine through the door

SnuffleGruntSnorter · 18/05/2016 19:27

So yanbu, but maybe a bit of communication could help settle things?

Czerny88 · 18/05/2016 19:28

I've done something similar to this and was happy to sit and read a book / fiddle with phone until bedtime routine had been accomplished. Was preferable to pacing the streets.

Original poster

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 19:30

I have sent her this text: Sorry about today - I probably ought to try being sociable at same time as bedtime routine, I'm just paranoid about it going wrong and him then refusing to go to sleep. He's quite easily distracted from feeding at present. If you do need to come straight from work next time we could probably sort something out (if you didn't mind spectating bath time!) - I would probably still need some quiet time with him but might be able to cut it down to eg 15-20 mins. I would still be worried about neglecting you though. Can't move the time too much as if earlier he won't sleep and if later he falls asleep feeding before he has finished and then wakes up hungry quite soon after Xx

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 18/05/2016 19:30

Hmm I see your position but I think I'd let her come over early as she can be involved in the bedtime routine. It's up to her to decide if she'd rather come early and have a bit of time to herself, or come later.

Incidentally before I had kids I was often left on my own at friend's houses while they saw to their young kids. It didn't bother me at all - I'm quite capable of entertaining myself for half an hour or so.

It's actually easier if it's a few friends - my book group come over at 6 and drink prosecco in the lounge while I put the kids to bed. They wouldn't want to arrive later as it's easiest to come straight from work.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 18/05/2016 19:31

I think you are both BU. My friends used to come over during bedtime routine. I used to get them involved ie ask them to get the clothes out ready, pour me some oil for massage etc but at the same time, they were fully prepared for me to leave them alone briefly to tuck baby back in -repeatedly-.

ImperialBlether · 18/05/2016 19:31

What's your magic ritual? I wish I'd known one when my children were small. I can see why you wouldn't want to risk messing that up.

LittleSausageFingers · 18/05/2016 19:32

I also have a 4 month old DC and bedtime routine, followed by the peace and quiet it brings, is sacred! So i would say YANBU. But I'm sure your friend could join in no problem. Pre-kids, however, I would have said YABU, so I can see where your friend is coming from!

EarthboundMisfit · 18/05/2016 19:33

Honestly, as a parent myself, I can see her point. You could be a bit flexible, surely?

Fruitbat15 · 18/05/2016 19:35

My DD would never settle with a guest around. She also needs that magic ritual otherwise things are more difficult. I don't think yabu.

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