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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be mad at my non-baby friend?

128 replies

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 18:58

My friend was meant to come over for dinner tonight. We hadn't agreed a time but normally we say 7:30. This is not a coincidence as LO (4 months old) has bath feed and bed routine from 6-7. I got a text from her today to say she wanted to come over around 6 as she needed to come straight from work. I said I could let her in at that time but wouldn't be able to come talk to her until I finished bedtime routine. I got a slightly stroppy reply suggesting this is unreasonable of me and I should either feed him in the main room so I can talk to her or 'do it at a different time'! I know she doesn't have kids so doesn't entirely get it but I feel like basic courtesy is missing and would be nice... She's not coming now as I suggested we rearrange but I'm pretty annoyed. Aibu?

OP posts:
Aria999 · 18/05/2016 20:54

Artandco, he doesn't go to sleep in my lap really ever! Sometimes I do bedtime routine, then settle him in pram instead of cot, and we go out. Otherwise we get a babysitter (as he doesn't normally wake in the evening, so far our babysitter hasn't had to do anything except watch TV)

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 18/05/2016 20:54

IMHO YANBU.

Is this your first? Baby is only 16w old, and you're still learning the ropes so bound to be strict re bedtime routines. Your friend is not being deliberately mean by sending a bit of a strop text - she quite simply does not understand.

I'm going through similar at the moment OP. I think if you're the dust of your chums to have a baby the emotional fall out of that can be a bigger kicker than any of us could imagine currently bitter about so called best mate

RebootYourEngine · 18/05/2016 20:55

I am a mother and i wil turn up at my sisters house at bathtime. She feeds the youngest while i get soaked playing with the older children in the bath and then get them dried and dressed for bed. But then we are a 'everyone chips in' kind of family.

NapQueen · 18/05/2016 20:55

I love when people say "does the baby really need......" - clearly the answer is yes as it self settles and sleeps very well consistently from a young age. Why mess with that? Why encourage a baby to nap on a knee in the evening when it doesn't need it? Defeats the purpose.

iwasyoungonce · 18/05/2016 20:56

I was exactly the same, rigid about bedtime routine and paranoid about changing anything because it worked so well.

We had relatives over from Canada once, and I was over at my parents' house with my baby DD, and these relatives were trying to persuade me to stay longer (past DD's bedtime) saying "oh, one time won't hurt!" etc.

They were over for 4 weeks, so it wasn't like I wasn't going to be spending plenty more time with them.

I politely stuck to my guns, and they were really bemused/pissed off about it. They got a bit condescending, talking to me like I was just inexperienced/ neurotic. Hmm Whatever!

You do what you have to do to ensure your baby gets their sleep/ you get an easy life. 10 years on, and 2 babies later I'd do exactly the same again. It's not forever!

Junosmum · 18/05/2016 20:57

I have a 4month old. My friends join me in the bedtime routine! We chat whilst bathing and they often read to him for 5mins then make us both a brew whilst I feed him. They sit on the end of the bed! YABU.

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 20:58

Yes first baby!

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zeezeek · 18/05/2016 20:58

It's really not helpful for people to keep on saying about how she'll understand when she has children etc. It makes parents (tbh mostly women in my experience) sound patronising, dismissive and downright smug. It is incredibly hurtful to anyone who cannot have children and makes them feel inferior and like shit. When people say things like that to you, when you are in that position, then it makes you want to end that friendship immediately. And yes, I did that at times.

OP I hope you will find that your friend is understanding and supportive because that's a basic requirement of friends - whatever their own situation. If she isn't, then she's not a good friend. If you are not understanding of her commitments and restrictions then you are not a good friend. That's really the bottom line.

I admit I'm still sensitive about comments made to me before the girls were born. I'd had chemo when I was a teenager and, despite being s scientist, I still have no idea how I managed to have 2 children against the odds in my 40's. I also know that I have friends for whom that will never happen and other friends who conceived quickly and easily. Still more friends don't want children. None of that matters, however, to our friendships. I get so fed up with people only wanting to be friends with either other parents, or other childless people - it really shouldn't matter. The important thing is, not to be a twat. OP you aren't, btw and now is your friend. This is just a blip, hopefully and you will both get to spend time with each other.

Sorry for the essay. Just still bugs me, I guess, to see those silly throwaway comments to childless women.....generally by the same sort of women who then complain when childless friends boast about sports cars and holidays.

Artandco · 18/05/2016 21:03

But it isn't pointless encouraging baby and children to be flexible in sleeping. Otherwise you are restricted for years.

Clarissa69 · 18/05/2016 21:04

Can totally see both sides of this. I don't think YABU as I had a baby that needed that routine and quiet time. From her perspective, she just can't see it as she hasn't experienced a baby yet. You just need to explain that to her in a really sensitive and diplomatic way. I bet she will understand. Perhaps she csn pour you a nice glass of wine whilst you settle LO.

2ManySweets · 18/05/2016 21:07

"dust of your chums"

first of your chums FFS 😩

littlemonkey5 · 18/05/2016 21:08

Pre-kids, I would not have wanted to sit in someone's front room, waiting for them to put their baby to bed. I would have found that awkward. I'd have questioned the type of friendship where I wasn't able to help..... My parent friends were proper friends where I'd help them get their babies off to bed. I read stories and sang (badly) to get them off to sleep and on one occasion, I bathed my friend's little girl whilst she put another load of washing on.

I'm not in contact with that friend (it was a very very long time ago and my ex's friend's child) but I would expect the same from them, now I have children, if they visited. Why would I have an anti-child friend? Just because they don't have a child themselves, doesn't mean they have to stay away or that they will not like children. I wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't like children.

Pseudo341 · 18/05/2016 21:13

Oh all this people with easy babies who will miraculously fit in around you and allow you to have a social life at 4 months. If I had a baby who reliably went to sleep at that age no way would I risk messing that up. Unfortunately I had two absolute horrors and my youngest is still a major problem at 2 1/2.

I liked your text. YANBU.

Just5minswithDacre · 18/05/2016 21:19

Some babies wouldn't sleep if a third party joined the bedtime routine for a natter.

SoulSoSeptimus · 18/05/2016 21:22

YABVVVVU.

Life doesn't just revolve around you or your kid. Smh.

SoThatHappened · 18/05/2016 21:23

But it isn't pointless encouraging baby and children to be flexible in sleeping. Otherwise you are restricted for years.

This.

My friend insisted on total silence and total darkness to feed the baby and put him down. Now what do you know he wont sleep unless it is pitch black and silent. Well my place doesnt have black out linings and he never sleeps here...so she never comes. She is nailed to the house now.

IrenetheQuaint · 18/05/2016 21:31

As a childless friend type I can see both sides, but just wanted to say that she probably wanted to come round at 6 because the alternative was sitting alone in the office for 1.5 hours, or having to wander round town/sit in a pub without anything really to do. Both situations can feel quite depressing and it's natural she would want to come round to yours instead.

Hope you can find a solution that suits both of you.

Atenco · 18/05/2016 21:34

Just wanted to say that I love the text you finally sent your friend.

sleeponeday · 18/05/2016 22:06

I remember that stage, and the sense that if you mess with the routine you will have a week of no sleep, at best. I get it.

There is no way on earth I would have got it pre-children, though.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 18/05/2016 22:07

All these beautiful little 4 month babies are not carbon copies of each other.

I would have loved to be carefree and flexible with sleep patterns/routines but with a fractious highly strung DS and PND meaning I got panicky if he didn't sleep, I had to do what I knew would work. That meant bedtime did NOT get tampered with unless it was totally unavoidable.

YANBU.

sleeponeday · 18/05/2016 22:09

Oh zeezeek I'm so sorry to be tactless - I didn't press refresh before posting. Blush

DixieNormas · 18/05/2016 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caterina99 · 19/05/2016 05:00

Yanbu. Your friend is presumably an adult and understands you now have a baby. Surely she can entertain herself for a bit? I've sat and watched tv/done the washing up etc loads of times while friends put their kids to bed. And now we have DS, friends have done the same with us. I do think an hour is a long time for a bedtime routine for a 4 month old, but if it works for you then stick with it!

Runningupthathill82 · 19/05/2016 07:28

YABU.

I would love a friend to come round at bedtime. They could try and stop the three year old wreaking havoc and hurling dinosaurs down the stairs while I'm seeing to the four-month-old.

I think you've been quite rude to your mate and some flexibility wouldn't go amiss here.

Yes, a bedtime routine is lovely and all that, but it can't be the be all and end all. I have to just take each evening as it comes now I've got a difficult toddler and a very young baby - it's just impossible to do otherwise.

I also think it's patronising to say that your friend "doesn't understand" just because she hasn't got children. I have two and I don't understand why you'd have an hour-long routine with a four month old (who should be doing all their sleeping in the same room as you, anyway?)

Aria999 · 19/05/2016 07:39

About 15 min bath of which only about 5 in the water (rest is clothes, nappy, eczema cream etc) then a 30-45 min feed - he's always a slow feeder and this is a big one to stock up for the night

OP posts: