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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be mad at my non-baby friend?

128 replies

Aria999 · 18/05/2016 18:58

My friend was meant to come over for dinner tonight. We hadn't agreed a time but normally we say 7:30. This is not a coincidence as LO (4 months old) has bath feed and bed routine from 6-7. I got a text from her today to say she wanted to come over around 6 as she needed to come straight from work. I said I could let her in at that time but wouldn't be able to come talk to her until I finished bedtime routine. I got a slightly stroppy reply suggesting this is unreasonable of me and I should either feed him in the main room so I can talk to her or 'do it at a different time'! I know she doesn't have kids so doesn't entirely get it but I feel like basic courtesy is missing and would be nice... She's not coming now as I suggested we rearrange but I'm pretty annoyed. Aibu?

OP posts:
youshouldcancelthecheque · 19/05/2016 16:57

I think that you should have just let her come over, crack on with your usual routine and let her see how busy that time is for herself. Then flop down with wine when LO is in bed.

I have a friend that just fits into family life, will gladly sit by the bath singing to my DD if she happens to be here at bath time, I have others that have taken offense when I have said I need to pop off to do bath/bed etc. you can imagine who I invite over more.....

Thurlow · 19/05/2016 17:10

I'm a bit sick of having to pander to other people's kids.

The thing is, though, some kids really do like routine and it might be a choice between being alone for an hour while the baby is being settled properly, or having your whole evening interrupted because the bedtime routine was changed and then they're up all night.

In an ideal world all babies will just go with the flow I'd have murdered for one that went with the flow on occasion but not all are like that.

zeezeek · 19/05/2016 17:21

And some of these responses are exactly the reason why I ditched a lot of friends when they started having children.

ephemeralfairy · 19/05/2016 17:31

I dunno. I can see how your response would come across as rude. It wouldn't bother me personally though as I would relish having a bit of time to sit and chill out post-work with a glass of wine and a book or magazine as PP said. In fact I would far prefer that than being roped in to help with baby bedtime.

People are different, y'know? Just talk to her.

Notso · 19/05/2016 17:36

I know that Thurlow. Like I said we have four children and two were and still are much better when the usual routine is adhered to. However in the sixteen years of being a parent I've never imposed my children's routines on anyone else. DH and I have always put up with the fallout.
We had our children young and ours were the first grandchildren. When child-free our friends and siblings didn't once give a thought to arranging things around our children. So yes I am sick of having to arrange my family around theirs.

gabbyevs · 19/05/2016 17:40

it woulnt bother me to wait if someone was busy if she knows your routine why is she making a fuss

EffieIsATrinket · 19/05/2016 18:02

I'd say you're doing well to be hosting someone for dinner with a 4 month old. Mine still cluster fed at that stage so that would have been challenging.

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 19:41

mouldycheesefan: yeah maybe you're right. I was trying to reply to the specific points in her text ie explain why reluctant to feed in company or mess with the time. However I do remember being the childless person politely listening to detailed routine descriptions from my mummy friends and wondering why they were telling me this...

OP posts:
Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 19:43

EffieIsATrinket: weirdly this particular friend was great during the cluster feeding phase. She came over and cooked pizza for me to eat one handed.

OP posts:
unimagmative13 · 19/05/2016 19:45

She willing to cook you pizza to eat one handed while cluster feeding but you won't let her round while bed time is happening YABU

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 19:47

She hasn't replied to my text so either she's in a proper strop or she has better things to think about (eg the exam on Friday she would have had to leave early to revise for). Time will tell! Posts on here have been helpful (even to some extent the upsetting ones) so thanks all.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 19/05/2016 19:47

I wouldn't have a problem at all about being left to my own devices for an hour whilst my friend put her baby to bed.

I can't believe someone would actually...

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 19:49

unimagmative13: I said she could come over. Even dh had to leave the room during feed other than short chats, ds just comes off the boob and looks at him the whole time he is with us...

OP posts:
unimagmative13 · 19/05/2016 19:53

They are at that ages where they are so nosey, do you BF in public? That's the best when they have a good look around while your sat with your nipple out.

zeezeek · 19/05/2016 19:55

I think she's shown how good and understanding a friend she can be with the pizza cooking. If she's got an exam tomorrow then she's probably busy concentrating on that.

As I've mentioned many many times go easy on the you don't understand type comments. She's got commitments, you've got commitments, you are both allowed to be a bit pissed with each other sometimes when tired, stressed etc. Just up to you both whether you allow it to ruin a friendship.

I speak from experience of being the childless one sidelined and patronised, pitied and excluded.

I've also been the one with small, demanding children - but because of my experience I like to think that I have been inclusive and understanding of my childless friends - whatever the reason for their childlessness.

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 19:57

Lol yes he loves showing mummy's nipple to the whole cafe / park right now 😳 And if I try to put a muslin anywhere useful he just yanks it off...

OP posts:
unimagmative13 · 19/05/2016 20:00

I agree the you don't understand comments are pointless.

I used to just think - I don't have to understand you have a child.

My friend used to say it to me all the time about going out or meeting up . I do the things now she couldnt do because 'I didn't understand' so I realised how much she was just being unreasonable.

After all it's not about weather you have a child it about how you live your life.

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 20:06

zeezeek: thanks for your thoughtful comments in this thread. I was child free and then childless for quite a while and I clearly remember just really not getting what all the fuss was about! However that's clearly not true for everyone and I agree it's also important to remember that understanding needs to go both ways. That's one of the things I found helpful on this thread - bit of a reminder that just because my world revolves round ds I shouldn't assume everyone else's has to!

OP posts:
museumum · 19/05/2016 20:08

Ive always said to friends "come about 7:30 and he should be asleep and we can have a proper chat"
If they've asked to come earlier if have said "of course you can but I'll need to head upstairs to do bedtime from 7 for about half an hour."

None of my friends have ever stropped. Why would they? There are two clear options there. I can't magic my ds out of existence, or make him bath himself, or keep him up till whenever they decide to leave (without him going a bit over tired and hyper).

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 20:12

museumum: I think that was the reaction I was expecting but I guess I just didn't say it very well and made her feel unwelcome

OP posts:
zeezeek · 19/05/2016 20:14

Thank you OP. You just sound like a really lovely person and friendships are really important - and the early days years of parenthood can be isolating and lonely.

You never know, she may want to help out with your son and that can be really valuable and a great help, especially if you are a single parent - apologies if you aren't, but I kind of assumed from your posts that there's no husband or partner around to help.

She's your friend, you know what to do and what to say. Things haven't changed that much just because you have a child. Good luck.

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 20:16

Thank you zeezeek! No, thankfully I have a wonderful dh to look after us but he is out on Wednesday evenings so I was hoping for some girl time!

OP posts:
zeezeek · 19/05/2016 20:29

Oops, sorry.

Original poster
Aria999 · 19/05/2016 20:38

No worries Smile

OP posts:
Josie5 · 19/05/2016 21:41

I totally get it. I have been asked and have asked friends those with or without kids to sit and have a glass of wine whilst I settle the kids into bed. Bedtime routines are sacred when other people have been around it always takes twice as long and is an opportunity for a toddler to play up. Your text was nice but I wholeheartedly agree with you.