AIBU to be mad at my non-baby friend?

[Aria999]

My friend was meant to come over for dinner tonight. We hadn't agreed a time but normally we say 7:30. This is not a coincidence as LO (4 months old) has bath feed and bed routine from 6-7. I got a text from her today to say she wanted to come over around 6 as she needed to come straight from work. I said I could let her in at that time but wouldn't be able to come talk to her until I finished bedtime routine. I got a slightly stroppy reply suggesting this is unreasonable of me and I should either feed him in the main room so I can talk to her or 'do it at a different time'! I know she doesn't have kids so doesn't entirely get it but I feel like basic courtesy is missing and would be nice... She's not coming now as I suggested we rearrange but I'm pretty annoyed. Aibu?

Feeding before bed as part of routine I wouldn't recommend as it encourages feeding needed to fall Asleep. I would just feed in living room, get friend to help with bath. Then just 5-10mins to put actually to bed

YANBU
If I was your friend I would say that's great I'll just watch tv until you are ready some people are so needy!!

On threads where an OP wants to know if a childfree or childless person (different things) is being unreasonable about something, there are always several responses along the lines of "she'll understand one day " or "she'll get it when she has her own kids "

Of course, there is always the possibility (and an increasing one) that they may not have children, by choice or otherwise. So they won't ever understand - unless friends explain nicely about things like "routines". You can't expect people in totally different circumstances - and let's be honest, the difference for most people is pretty enormous, the old "hand grenade" into a relationship adage - to "get" these things, so it's wrong to be stroppy about them.

I have an older child who has always been difficult with sleeping. I can see me saying the same thing to a friend. Although honestly I wouldn't have one over on a weeknight because bed time could easily still be going at 9 pm right now.

You are definitely not BU, however a bit a flexibility at bedtime is handy to have...what about if you have to stay with relatives or on a holiday and the routine has to change? Do you have other children? Try not to get too obsessed with the 'magic' nature of your bedtime routine as it may end up restricting you in the future. When my second and third babies I always tried to keep to a nice bedtime routine but they had to be flexible as older siblings never really run exactly to clockwork. My SIL has one child and even now at age 2 he has to have a strict routine including bath and massage EVERY night (or else he won't sleep...really??). Your friend should have put up with your bedtime fussing and treated you more kindly IMO.

Feeding before bed as part of routine I wouldn't recommend as it encourages feeding needed to fall Asleep. I would just feed in living room, get friend to help with bath. Then just 5-10mins to put actually to bed

That's all very well as a future strategy, and I agree that feeding to sleep isn't something you want to be doing long-term, but I doubt things would go so well if OP made such a big change to the routine for the first time on the night her friend came to visit.

I wouldn't be mad. I would just message back something like. 'Its a bit annoying I know, nut believe me it is for our benefit. If we stick to her bedtime routine she will be quietly tucked up in bed by 7 and we can have the rest of the night distraction free'.

It is hard to understand when you don't have kids. Just if she does have them remind her 'remember that time.....'

My best friend comes over straight from work. We all have an early dinner c.6pm then she joins us upstairs while getting the kids ready for bed. When it's time for milk she goes downstairs and Facebooks whilst I breastfeed my 11 month old. When I'm done I come downstairs and we open the wine!

By the way. She doesn't have any kids. She makes a joke about not wanting to see me to get my boobs out hence going downstairs but it suits both of us as my DD would get distracted if she was in the room.

YANBU. DD2 is so much more flexible than DD1 was at this age but the milk before bed is non negotiable and takes up to half an hour. She entertains herself. Enjoys a bit of peace and quiet really.

My ds is my second child and both of mine had a routine.

Ds HAD to be in bed for 5.30. 6 maximum.

Yes it meant we were restricted to the house a lot but it was what worked for us. I wouldn't change it. We had to turn down numerous invites and refuse people to the house. I bet they thought we was mad.

Now at 14 months he will actually be ok with being put to bed a bit later. Sometimes even 7 but most of the time he is still in bed for 6.

We may have sacrificed a social life those first few months but I now have two children who sleep from 6pm at night till 7.30 am in the morning.

Yanbu

God, I have a friend who does this. She'd want to come at 5-6 and I'd say of course, but there would be bathtime and bedtime etc from 6-7. I'd have been more than happy for her to get involved but she used to take herself off huffily into the living room and sit on her phone for an hour, occasionally calling out to ask if I'd finished yet

Anyway, YANB that U. Some small babies really, really like the same routine and it's very easy to get uptight about it all at that age. Everyone's still new to it all at that age. But you're text is very nice and hopefully she'll understand. Remember, none of us had any idea really how set in stone some things can become, or how important some timings can become, until we had kids.

Yanbu, too a degree. A lot of it comes down to how we perceive texts-she might of read yours as 'yes come over but I'll be busy so you'll have to fend for yourself for hour' which if she was a decent friend she would of replied with 'that's ok I'll help you bath little one if that's ok'
Her reply could of been 'misread' by you as you were expecting a 'that's ok, I'll come later' response. I think there's a lack of communication between you and when you rearrange you need to state 'can we make it 7:40 so I can get little one fed, bathed and in bed first'
I know how you feel though-friends without children don't quite get your life now!

I wouldn't be mad she doesn't have children so doesn't understand, we were all like that once

You've had some pretty mean responses! You were both being a little unreasonable but it sounds like you know.

The text you sent was great- don't worry.

A good night of anxiety free sleep is the holy grail. For you as well as your baby.

Do whatever you need to do and don't make allowances for anyone.

I had a baby who needed a rigid timetable. Believe me I tried to keep it free and easy and "have a life", but it just didn't work out and we all suffered. Every time we deviated we were up all frigging night, and the next night too. It took three frazzled days and tear filled and teeth gnashing nights to settle back into the routine. So not worth changing it.

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture, and if I deviated from routine we all went crazy with lack of sleep. Crazy.and you just don't understand that unless you've been in those trenches. It's like Nam!

Personally and based on my experience of having a very fussy baby and hyper state anxiety of not getting enough sleep. I say you're not being unreasonable in the slightest. You know your baby best and you know what tolerance he has for deviation from the routine.

Do whatever you have to do to get everyone settled to your satisfaction.
Happy mum = a happy babe.

And your pal.... Well friendship works both ways. If she's a stroppy mare about this, you don't need her at this time. Do t feel guilty about ditching her for a while.
Someone much more important has a prior claim on your time. She should get with the program, or take herself off, and you'll see her when things aren't so intense.

and maybe until she has kids herself she won't get it, so don't even try and accommodate her if she's resisting your reality.

Why can't she go for a walk or go and get something to eat, and pop over when you're free? That's a solution if she's insisting.

Really. It sounds to me like she wants to turn up at your office and chat when you're doing your work... Looking after a baby is work. She wouldn't dream of you coming to her office and expecting her to be available when she's still working.

Just tell her to come later, or not at all!
Her choice, but that you're working and can't entertain her. She's a grown up, she can take it... Or not, in which case, it's her loss, not yours.

This rigid phase doesn't last forever, and you may find that friendships end.
You'll make lots of new friends when you're in the playground and school, so don't worry you'll be Johnny no mates if you don't bend over backward for these 'childless' friends.
They'll never get it until they have kids themselves, really, so suit yourself and your baby. Not to worry!

I always think one night won't hurt.

We can't keep my DS (6 months) up past 7pm. However we don't let this dictate our lives (on occasion)

A few times we have taken him out or someone has come round. To be honest your friend will probably entertain the baby they will be so shattered and sleep better!

Personally I arrange these types of things for weekend daytimes. Or I would bath baby before friend arrives. Do the bottle with you both there and just pop baby down and crack open a bottle of wine!

I have a party I'm going to over the weekend and I'll be travelling back at bedtime so I plan to take PJs do a bottle.

Go on, break the mould, you might feel more relaxed if it comes up again.

She doesn't need to come straight from work, she is choosing to come straight from work, and she will have to accept that choosing to change your usual routine of 7.30 start means that other changes may be caused by that as well.
That said, it might be a good opportunity to try varying your routine slightly to see what happens? You may find that actually you're not as restricted as you thought.

I had a good routine with my babies but wouldn't dream of telling a friend not to come round due to baby routine! Cringe! Pfb 100%.
The text with the superfluous information going through your baby's routine was also cringey you must keep that to laugh about one day.

Routines are important. But so are friends. Lighten up. See thefunny side of his situation one day you and friend will laugh about it.

I think YAB a bit U. I don't know where she lives but it might not be worth her going all the way home just to turn around and go out to you again. Surely she can help you with your kid, or at the very least give her a cup of tea and the TV whilst she waits.

I think it's a little bit sad that you weren't able to just invite her to join the bedtime routine. I don't have children and was absolutely delighted and honoured when I first came round for dinner with a friend with a baby and was told it was bath time, did I want to help? I have progressed to being allowed to play with the baby alone in the bath while she sets up other things (huge responsibility!), read a bedtime story and have snuggles and then chat to my friend while she feeds in the babies bedroom - I then sneak out a bit before she finishes while mum puts her down. A friend with two slightly older ones we all have an early tea together then again I 'help' with the bath and stories then get out of the way for the settling. When we have repeated returns to bed later that's just something that happens and conversation pauses for 10 minutes each time.
I would have totally accepted if they had said, don't come until it's all over but I'm really glad they didn't.

I understand this completely! If Im having someone over I make it a time my little one will be in bed by. If they come over beforehand she gets hyper and won't sleep for ages. Just explain to her your little one has a routine and any time after say 7:30 your free. I know how it feels when you're trying to Get them down with a visitor in.

YAB a little bit U in that you were suggesting your friend go home and then come back to yours, if you are in between work/home. It would be a faff

YANBU to want to raise your baby the way you want too and if you want to do it just you that is fine but could the babies dad not have done the bed routine so you could spent time with your friend?

Your friend is being unreasonable though if it was me I'd be "ok go do what you need to do", watch telly, have a cuppa, continue to try to get higher than DP on candy crush wait for the routine to be over or would have gone to a pub for an hour before and arrived at 7.30 - I have never had a baby and DC were 4 when I met them but it's not bloody rocket science to realise that babies cry a lot that they are hard work and if someone has discovered how to get them to sleep all night they are either a miracle worker or lucky and why would you want to disrupt that for the sake of sitting on your own for an hour.

I am your friend in this scenario. When my friend asks me to meet up, I reply saying I'll be there straight after work.

I live in town X, and work in town Y. Friend lives in town Y. I am not going to drive home for 30 mins to spend an hour at home, to drive back to Y to see her. I appreciate she has her baby routine but I also have things going on. We are both aware we are in very different phases of our lives and we try our best to work around this. For what it's worth, I'm always there at bath and bed time My friend pops upstairs for half an hour and I happily sit downstairs with a drink, watching the TV. I have never gone upstairs and watched bath/bed and nor would I want to.

On the other hand, I have another friend with a DC now over 1. Sadly, we haven't spoken in months. She had a very strict routine and after 5pm visits were not allowed. Visits between 12-2 are nap time so also not allowed, even on weekends. She wouldn't come to me for a visit, with or without DC. I work full time and without the give and take on both sides it's sadly become very difficult to maintain our friendship.

I hope you and your friend work this out.

It's an hour you needed, to sort the baby out, so you could then focus on her. Honestly, why couldn't she say hi to the baby and then have a glass of wine and read Hello. Or whatever. YANBU, if she's this cross once you explained what you were doing (not having a bikini wax or face timing another mate) then she seems like the sort of person who would have been expecting entertaining as well once she got there, regardless of what you had one. A four month old is tiny. FFS. Your follow up text was good, I hope she apologises too.

I understand you op my dd had a fairly strict bedtime routine and was prone to getting over stimulated esp near bedtime so I loathed any change in it.

That said I had friends to come and stay when she was a baby and I would't have left them on their own for an hour. They would come and helped with bath time and then left me with her to settle for the last feed before sleep.

At the time my life was a little bit ruled by dds routine as like you it worked and I was thankful for that but when I look back I think I could have relaxed it a bit and it would have been fine!

My sister invited me to stay when her first DC was about 6 months old. I was baffled when on the stroke of 6 her and her DP disappeared upstairs to 'do bedtime' ensuring I'd forced out a wee first as there would be no using the toilet until DN was properly asleep.
They were upstairs for nearly two hours.

I've got 4 DC and I've never been ruled by routine. DH and I have always just sucked it up if things haven't suited DC's. Now all our siblings have had children I'm a bit sick of having to pander to other people's kids.