AIBU to be mad at my non-baby friend?

[Aria999]

My friend was meant to come over for dinner tonight. We hadn't agreed a time but normally we say 7:30. This is not a coincidence as LO (4 months old) has bath feed and bed routine from 6-7. I got a text from her today to say she wanted to come over around 6 as she needed to come straight from work. I said I could let her in at that time but wouldn't be able to come talk to her until I finished bedtime routine. I got a slightly stroppy reply suggesting this is unreasonable of me and I should either feed him in the main room so I can talk to her or 'do it at a different time'! I know she doesn't have kids so doesn't entirely get it but I feel like basic courtesy is missing and would be nice... She's not coming now as I suggested we rearrange but I'm pretty annoyed. Aibu?

At 4 months, he won't be looking at the clock for his cues. He will be using the other cues in the routine (bath, feed, song, darkness) as part of his settling. So you probably could try shifting bedtime forward or back by half an hour and he'll "recognise" bedtime based on what you do rather than the time.

Haha imperialblether, it isn't really magic it just seems like that to me because it seems to work! Bath (in bucket bath in his room) then door shut, gro bag on, big feed, then lights down and white noise on, 3 minute burping and cuddle, then to bed.

That's a good text. Hopefully you and your friend can sort it out. It is difficult sometimes to understand the other side, so to speak, but if your friendship is worth it then you can both find a way through. I had my kids late so was the childless friend for a long, long time and didn't mind at all being the more flexible one. However, what childless people really don't need to hear is "you'll understand when you are a parent" ( err, no, I was thought to be infertile) or "you don't understand because you don't have children" ( no shit. That's cos I'm infertile). Or being expected to always be the one to be flexible and make allowances with no consideration for what I have happening in my life.

Bitter, moi? Lol

Seriously, friends are precious regardless of their reproductive status. So hope she is as understanding as you are.

Magic Ritual?! 😁

You actually sent that text?

Do yourself a favour, print this thread off and read it on his 18th birthday.

Why are you being so formal & rigid? She's supposedly a friend. You let her in, you chat for a few minutes, she has a cuddle with the baby, you all go to the bathroom while you bath him then if he gets too distracted to feed you say that to her, 'sorry, he's too nosy to settle, I'll just feed him in here & put him to bed, help yourself to the tv, wine, back as soon as possible 😊

Actually, I should probably be more kind. If you were my friend in real life I'd be a bit worried you had PND.

Presumably because she has him in such a good routine now she doesn't want to risk it stopping?

Justforthisfred, 'magic ritual' was kind of a self deprecating joke - sorry if it came over wrong. Your picture does sound attractive and yes I'm maybe a bit too controlling about bedtime. I'm scared of it going wrong then having to spend my evening dealing with a crying baby instead of talking to my friend!

JustforthisFred are you ok? PND? Wow.

I'm sure the OP didn't say "god FINE you can come in but don't expect me to TALK to you or anything." She was simply trying to manage the expectations of her friend. That is a GOOD thing.

There's no way a spectator could be involved with the bedtime routine of a 4 month old. It would make the entire business not relaxing, not conducive to sleep, and the entire process would just take longer and the mother would be stressed the whole time that it's taking too long and their friend is getting angry. It's an awful feeling.

OP, YANBU, pretty surprised anyone on here is saying you are. The friend wanted to come round at 6 for her OWN reasons and comfort. Fine, but she shouldn't then start throwing her weight around. Also being a bit thick - feed the baby "at a different time"? When? At 5.30, before friend arrives? Or at 10.30pm, after she leaves?

Ds is 4 now but there have been stages of his life where I would have spent all my time worrying about bedtime and a "magic routine" because I was so utterly desperate for sleep. At one point I had a lucky maternity bra and could become quite unhinged if it was in the wash or something incase it had jinxed bedtime. Now he's older and I am not craving sleep like I was, I am more chilled and would rope a friend in and involve them. It just depends on the stage you and your child is at, as to whether you can feel relaxed about it. Don't worry - it gets easier as they got older!

I also get stage fright trying to get him to bed in front of people. Like 'will it work, will they judge me'

Ds is 4 now but there have been stages of his life where I would have spent all my time worrying about bedtime and a "magic routine" because I was so utterly desperate for sleep. At one point I had a lucky maternity bra and could become quite unhinged if it was in the wash or something incase it had jinxed bedtime. Now he's older and I am not craving sleep like I was, I am more chilled and would rope a friend in and involve them. It just depends on the stage you and your child is at, as to whether you can feel relaxed about it. Don't worry - it gets easier as they got older!

Mine wouldn't go to sleep with anyone else here so toattly understand op tbh with people her it just takes longer as ds would then play to the crowd so to speak

Excellent post, zeezeek. You've written my experience but put it better than I ever could!

YANBU. I still avoid visitors at bedtime as it's family time, plus one of my twins does not respond to change so easily... And mine are 8! I was the first in my friendship groups to have children though, so I know sometimes I've had to have similar conversations to explain things.

You just need to explain how it is and how you have a routine. I know with my first I really struggled to break her bedtime routine, I got really stressed about doing it. I'm trying equally as hard not to this time round. Go with what you want to do though but do explain to her rather than fall out. Hopefully she will understand and be a little more flexible with you the next time. Or, invite her round to do the bedtime routine for your lo and you can sit down with a glass of wine!!! :)

I think that text was great op.

Some nasty responses on here to the op!

My last baby of my 4 is 17!! still remember the magic bedtime routine and the need to not be watched and feel judged. My kids would definay sense any anxiety from me and not settle.

If your friend is still sulky op she's a twat

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - before you have kids, you just don't get how life ends up revolving around them, at least when they're little. When I was single and my brother had littlies, I'd often forget and call him at 7ish for a chat, and secretly be pissed off when he told me he couldn't talk because he was doing bedtime. And now if I invite my childless friends round for dinner, I tell them to arrive before 6 or after 7.30 so that DS is either already in bed, or has had time to get over the excitement of their arrival and will go to bed without protest.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say yanbu. If the baby is used to a relaxed bath and then a feed in a dimly lit room each night I wouldn't feed them in the main room while I chatted over them. My kids are a lot older now (8 and 6) but if friends come over when I'm about to go up and read my youngest a couple of stories then they are big enough to help themselves to a drink/nibbles, put the TV on and maybe even chop an onion or two.

Missed a few posts and it's all yanbu's now. I can think of few things I would rather do less than spectate bathtime myself but each to their own...

I had a routine when Ds was a baby and it wasn't changing for anyone. That's how I got him to sleep,through the night at 4 months old and flexibility could have messed it up.

Having a decent nights sleep (me) was about saving my sanity, so if I was inflexible, then tough. Guess what - not only did I have a baby/child that slept well, I slept well and my friends understood. 11 years later, we are all still friends.

I don't think YWU.

People who like to turn up to houses with small children in at witching hour (basically 6-7.30pm) want shot. There really isn't a worse time in the day for people dropping in.

She won't understand yet but if she ever has dcs she will.

I would have just said "6 doesn't work for me as I need to get DS settled before we relax for the evening - unless you are OK with the telly and a glass of wine for half an hour while I sort him?"

She just doesn't get it as she is not in your position. She'll realise one day

Not necessarily. Not all women have children. Not all women want children. Some want them and can't have them.

Thanks everyone - napqueen you are so right that's what I should have said... So hard to be tactful when you're trying to multitask a text reply with a screaming baby!

"People who like to turn up to houses with small children in at witching hour (basically 6-7.30pm) want shot. There really isn't a worse time in the day for people dropping in."

Correct!

My friend even banned her husband from coming home at that time! Said to him "if you are not home by 6, just stay out til after baby's in bed". Too disruptive otherwise.

(I preferred to throw the baby at OH as he walked in the door, then retire to the living room for some Quiet Time...)

I would find that wierd tbh. But at 4 months mine didn't go to bed until we did ( I thought they are supposed to sleep in same room as you until over 6 months?).

Does your baby really need a bath every night in silence in own room? Can't he just be washed with facecloth on face and butt. Then fall asleep on yours or friends lap?

How do you get around everyday life if everything takes long and away from everything? How do you go of for a meal in evening with baby or now summer sit outside restaurant with glass of wine with baby in pram or lap asleep?

As the mother of a 4 month old I've consciously not got a meticulous bedtime routine. It's often disrupted because of what we've got going on. Still DD falls asleep somewhere between 7-7.30. She currently wears a Pavlik harness so can't be bathed - around 6.30 I take her upstairs for a quick wash and nappy change, feed and into bed. If the routine is so specific, you're leaving yourself wide open to problems should something need to change. It's good of you to seek advice here tonight though, I noticed your update saying you wouldn't have a go at her . It can be easy to get carried away!