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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that people presume DP pays for everything because I'm a SAHM?

198 replies

partridgeappletree · 17/05/2016 23:10

DP earns £45k and our rent is £350 p/m. He has no major debts and we run one car which we don't use much. He transfers me £350 per month for food for us plus DCs aged 9, almost 4 and 2. I receive £200 maintenance for 9 yo, child benefit, DLA, carers allowance and tax credits. Out of this I top up the food money, pay my bills, pay for DCs activities/clothes/shoes/birthday and Christmas presents and everything else to do with them. I also clothe myself and pay for the pets.

Last weekend we attended a wedding of DPs colleague and neither myself or the DC had anything to wear so I had to save to buy us all new outfits and shoes. Lots of people commented on how gorgeous they looked and how lucky we are to have DP working so hard to buy such lovely outfits.

I have saved to pay for us all to go away to Peppa Pig World for our middle daughters birthday for the weekend next month and know people will assume DP has paid but actually all he'll contribute is the petrol money. On birthdays and Christmases, his family comment on what lovely presents the DC have and how lucky they are and how they should thank daddy but he doesn't pay for them nor know what they are until they open them. He plays no part in organising or paying for parties and I'm fed up of being told how lucky I am to be a SAHM and have DP providing for us. I gave up a well paid career to be a SAHM and resent the fact that everyone presumes I'm living off DP when that actually isn't the case.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Donethat16 · 17/05/2016 23:16

Why do you let this bother you? You can be annoyed at whatever you want to be annoyed by. It is not unreasonable. What is unreasonable is expecting people to know your situation and indeed to onky hold assumptions that you would approve of.

Is what they think so important that it annoys you so much?

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2016 23:18

You could retort that it isn't just your dp, it's the tax payer too?

This kind of depends - I think people are lucky to be sahp's to be honest, and whilst I'm sure you're working hard, you're not technically funding anything financially.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 17/05/2016 23:18

I have my own job but MiL people assume DP pays for everything and my job is for 'pocket money'.

Some people just won't move on from the idea of traditional roles.

Who gives a fuck, though? Really? Leave them with their little thoughts and live your life.

MsVTired · 17/05/2016 23:20

Why do you have to save for things? surely it's family money.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/05/2016 23:20

The whole 'DP working so hard' comment is crap. So rude to call out one half of a couple like that. All the work - the very real, very hard work - you do, parenting, and running things, is ignored by those comments. What bollocks. Not surprised you feel irritated.

People can be idiots Brew

MsVTired · 17/05/2016 23:21

your DP earns a good amount of money and your rent is low, if you need to pay for clothes for an occasion it she be out of that money.

AndNowItsSeven · 17/05/2016 23:22

I confused do you claim as a couple at get tax credit on £45k? Surely all your income is joint anyway as you are a family, your dp should be providing more than £350 a month food money for his dc.
Who is the dla for, is that not under a separate budget for the needs of your disabled child?

MsVTired · 17/05/2016 23:22

*should

dowhatnow · 17/05/2016 23:26

Well presumably you are not paying bills etc out of that so you aren't actually supporting yourself.

If however, you are saying that he has a bigger proportion of his income left over to spend on himself than you do, then Yanbu. It's not fair if you are having to budget and save when he doesn't.

I believe in family income.

Summerblaze100 · 17/05/2016 23:27

Not sure how you get tax credits with his wage.

All your post suggests to me is that you are buying 'your' things out of other people's money and except for giving you a small amount, your DH is keeping the rest for himself.

I don't buy all this separate money bollocks. My small wage, DLA, carers allowance and child benefit all join DH's wages in the joint pot and we each just spend out of that. Small things don't need a discussion, big things would. And if someone says that I'm lucky that I only have to work one day a week because DH works then I agree with them. After all I couldn't live on just my income.

Seeyounearertime · 17/05/2016 23:28

Where the hell do you live for £350pcm?
I'm a HA in the north and we're still paying more than that.

Also. It seems natural that people would think your DP is paying as he's the one with the job, it's hardly wrong is it? My gf works whilst I stay at home. She does pay for everything, except the bit we get from tax credits.

Vickyyyy · 17/05/2016 23:29

I would ignore this tbh. I don't see anything as my money..his money...anything. Its the money for our family. People have no right to speak to others about anything to do with their money situation. I actually consider it quite rude to say the stuff you have listed in your OP. Also I have found being a SAHM to be a lot more 'work' than 'work' ever used to be. It may be different for others, but thats my experience.

Lucylaceingale · 17/05/2016 23:30

Slightly confused, why does your DP only pay 350 a month when he's on 45k a year? Surely all of his money is yours as well, and you seem to be single handedly running everything, what does he actually do?

You can't expect people to know your situation, all they know is that DH works and you don't, if it really bothers you, then the next time they say it, just say he didn't buy it, you did and if you say it enough times, they'll eventually get the hint.

Seeyounearertime · 17/05/2016 23:30

That's another thing, £45k a year is like £2770ish per month take home. Why is he only giving you £350?

Original poster
partridgeappletree · 17/05/2016 23:33

He has around £2800 per month - 350 rent - 300 (max) bills - 300 pension - 350 food. That's nearly 1500 leftover for him.

The 'working hard' comment really irritates me because his job really isn't very demanding. I'm up from 6 am-10 pm with the DC, including one who has additional needs and wakes multiple times per night and will only accept me. DP gets more sleep in two nights than I do during the entire week. He does nothing around the house or for the dc. He goes out with friends and to the gym. Yet I am the one who should be grateful to him?!

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 17/05/2016 23:34

Have I fallen for a troll?

I don't usually have TrollDar but after reading the 45K/tax credit/low rent bit again something doesn't add up.

This man keeps over 2K a month for himself?

Dontlaugh · 17/05/2016 23:35

He has £1500 pm all to himself without question and you get £350 to run a house? Did I read that right?

yummumto3girls · 17/05/2016 23:36

Agree, why are you getting all those benefits and why is your husband such a tight arse!

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2016 23:37

I think your issue should be with your dp then, not with those who are making an irritating but factually correct comment.
I would put all your money in one pot, and you should get out more. Same free time, same spending money is the general rule.

Dontlaugh · 17/05/2016 23:37

What are you going to do about it?

BillSykesDog · 17/05/2016 23:38

He sounds like a right tightwad. BTW, Peppa Pig World is amazing, have a great time.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/05/2016 23:39

Want to explain how you're claiming Tax Credits while your partner earns 45K a year? That's not cricket.

GinThief · 17/05/2016 23:40

Something does not add up here, surely dla for child is to cover their additional needs not your income to fund being sahm?

Vickyyyy · 17/05/2016 23:40

350 to run the house, and he has 1500 to do what he wishes with it? You are saving for new outfits and such while he is blowing 1500 on the gym and mates...do I have that right?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/05/2016 23:42

You're not BU to be annoyed I just think you're annoyed about the wrong thing! £350 to you for the family and £1500 to him for whatever he wants?? How did this come about?