to be annoyed that people presume DP pays for everything because I'm a SAHM?

[partridgeappletree]

DP earns £45k and our rent is £350 p/m. He has no major debts and we run one car which we don't use much. He transfers me £350 per month for food for us plus DCs aged 9, almost 4 and 2. I receive £200 maintenance for 9 yo, child benefit, DLA, carers allowance and tax credits. Out of this I top up the food money, pay my bills, pay for DCs activities/clothes/shoes/birthday and Christmas presents and everything else to do with them. I also clothe myself and pay for the pets.

Last weekend we attended a wedding of DPs colleague and neither myself or the DC had anything to wear so I had to save to buy us all new outfits and shoes. Lots of people commented on how gorgeous they looked and how lucky we are to have DP working so hard to buy such lovely outfits.

I have saved to pay for us all to go away to Peppa Pig World for our middle daughters birthday for the weekend next month and know people will assume DP has paid but actually all he'll contribute is the petrol money. On birthdays and Christmases, his family comment on what lovely presents the DC have and how lucky they are and how they should thank daddy but he doesn't pay for them nor know what they are until they open them. He plays no part in organising or paying for parties and I'm fed up of being told how lucky I am to be a SAHM and have DP providing for us. I gave up a well paid career to be a SAHM and resent the fact that everyone presumes I'm living off DP when that actually isn't the case.

Aibu?

YABU to be annoyed at other people. I would also assume presents and days out would be paid not from your food allowance, DLA or maintenance pots but from his salary.

YANBU to be annoyed at him and the grotesque unfairness of it all.

What happened when you insisted he give you more £ to cover expenses for the kids or suggested he paid for their Xmas gifts from his significantly larger disposable income?

They don't just need to be married, there needs to be a fundamental change in his attitude to sharing household finances.

There will be plenty of married couples in similar situations.

My best friend has 2 children one on DLA and a husband earning £43000 and they do not qualify for any tax credits at all. The DWP people, social worker, disability advise line etc all confirmed this to her.

Unfortunately you may find your situation more difficult because you were not married to him before you had children with him. Lots of people think it is fine not to be married and have children but, especially financially, it is a bad decision. Being married gives you automatic rights to pension, savings and if your husband dies whilst you live in a tied house (which is when your employer owns the house), the landlord/employer cannot just kick you out of your home.

I cannot understand why people who live together and have children together would keep their finances separate?? I am a SAHM due to a severe injury sustained at work. We just have DH's wage coming in plus TCs and CHB but I get the lot because I sort out the bills. We don't get to spend much on ourselves at the moment because we use it to go out with the children. When our new business gets going, we will have more money coming in and then we can split the money left over after bills etc..... But regardless of who has earnt the money or where it has come from, it all goes in 1 pot to share and live on.

It isn't going to be nice but the only way you will get a council house is to get your DP to kick you out somehow. If you leave, the council won't re-home you immediately. They do an investigation to see if you made yourself intentionally homeless and if you leave, you will be placed in bronze or silver band (if you are lucky) and will have to wait goodness knows how long for a house, whilst sleeping anywhere you can..... Obviously that won't help with your DCs. I guess as a woman on her own, a charity might help if you leave but you will still have the same 'intentionally homeless' problem getting the council to help quickly (they will help but it may take months to get you housed).

The extra child will make a difference. The OP doesn't say how much TCs she gets, it might not be very much at all.

Why are you putting up with this? You struggle along while he has £1500 to himself. It always amazes me on threads like this what other people see as normal.

DixieNormas, My friend said that it was her Carers allowance that pushed them over the limit. She had initially thought that the Carers allowance did not have to be included in their total income.

Carers allowence does get included as taxable income but the upper limits are higher with disabled children and more children

It's very rude of people to say "thank Daddy for the presents" that's just as surely all money is family money? I can see why you'd be annoyed by that I would be too.

Are you able to disclose how much income you have after the £350 from your DH? I think you may need to have a chat about finances generally because to contribute £350 only per month for two children plus a stay at home wife doesn't sound like a lot to me. Or even if you changed the boundaries so family days out came from his money and special outfits etc. Perhaps you could discuss the idea of a joint bank account for such expenses?

I've just done a quick calculation online and the OP is entitled to a low amount of CTC.

Carers Allowance is counted, it's 'given' on with one hand and taken away with the other, that's why there's numerous campaigns by Carers, who save the Country a fortune.

I did that because she is in an abusive relationship, in a very vulnerable position, because of having a very disabled child and people and all posters are doing is shouting 'troll'.

OP, what happens if you ask for a contribution towards the children and if you answered "he gives me nothing", when you're being told that you are lucky?

My DD told her now, nearly ex, Partners family the truth, this was met with disgust towards him and whilst he should have needed this, he made a change because of that.

TBH its your financial set up that sounds fucked up rather than other people's comments!

Why are you scrimping and saving for things?? Your DP is on a good wage - even with paying the rent and money to you there will still be plenty left each month! You are paying for everything for the kids, yet appear to be bringing much less to the table. It seems very one sided!!

Also.... you seem hung up on people's comments, but what they are reflecting is the fact that you don't earn money. Which is true. Your DP, ex and the govt gives you a bit each. And so they are partly correct aren't they? Your DP part funds what you buy.

TBH I can't see why you care what others think. Perhaps it is a reflection of the fact you have to scrimp and save for things..... where is the rest of the family going? (Rhetorical question)

WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD ON DLA THE TAX CREDIT THRESHOLD IS MUCH HIGHER

Sorry for shouting

Op your 'D'P is a pisstaking financial abuser and you should get far away from him as soon as you can.

You'd get a lot more in benefits if ou left him

our family income with DC is much less than 45k. one child is on high rate DLA. even with the severe disability element of DLA we are over the threshold. I cannot image for my life why OP would receive Dla. things don't add up.

Childcare possibly?

I mean we are over the thresholds for tax credits despite having a much lower income and one child in Dla.

The OP is a Sahm. so the childcare element of tax credits would not apply. both need to be working.

Oh it's you again OP.

The thank daddy for the presents comments are off. It is family money. The op is enabling her partner to work.

You mentioned he has 3 other DCs, does he pay any maintenance for these kids.

""I mean we are over the thresholds for tax credits despite having a much lower income and one child in DLA"

Imagine that you've got three children and do the calculation again.

As said, I've just done it and the OP is entitled to CTC.

OP, you are in a financially abusive relationship.

You could take this into the Relationship board and get support to make changes, or leave.