to be annoyed that people presume DP pays for everything because I'm a SAHM?

[partridgeappletree]

DP earns £45k and our rent is £350 p/m. He has no major debts and we run one car which we don't use much. He transfers me £350 per month for food for us plus DCs aged 9, almost 4 and 2. I receive £200 maintenance for 9 yo, child benefit, DLA, carers allowance and tax credits. Out of this I top up the food money, pay my bills, pay for DCs activities/clothes/shoes/birthday and Christmas presents and everything else to do with them. I also clothe myself and pay for the pets.

Last weekend we attended a wedding of DPs colleague and neither myself or the DC had anything to wear so I had to save to buy us all new outfits and shoes. Lots of people commented on how gorgeous they looked and how lucky we are to have DP working so hard to buy such lovely outfits.

I have saved to pay for us all to go away to Peppa Pig World for our middle daughters birthday for the weekend next month and know people will assume DP has paid but actually all he'll contribute is the petrol money. On birthdays and Christmases, his family comment on what lovely presents the DC have and how lucky they are and how they should thank daddy but he doesn't pay for them nor know what they are until they open them. He plays no part in organising or paying for parties and I'm fed up of being told how lucky I am to be a SAHM and have DP providing for us. I gave up a well paid career to be a SAHM and resent the fact that everyone presumes I'm living off DP when that actually isn't the case.

Aibu?

do you thin that maybe youre angry because you feel slightly taken advantage of? When your DP earns so much and your rent is so low you really shouldnt have to be paying out of benefits you get for things for the kinds. In a sense teh assumption those people are making should be right. He should be giving you far more or allowing you access to all the money via a joint account. My DP earns half of what yours does ad yet gives me half of anything left over after our rent and bills are paid, it works out more than the 350 you are being given each month. You are correct in saying that you are also working fulltime just at home. If you werent doing that i doubt your DP would be able to earn 45 grand or at least a vast amount of it would go on childcare fees. You are misdirecting your anger. If the details of your post are correct id really think you were being financially abused.

sorry about my spelling! kids not kinds and the

Not sure how you manage to get tax credits with a household income of £45k as the cut off is around £38k for three kids, unless having a disabled child makes a difference.

So two children are his? This is ridiculous. And you're not married, or you don't say DH, so you are in a very bad position of he ends the relationship.

His dc are nearly 4 and 2.

He wants to get married but I feel so resentful that I don't think I can. I have no pension, no savings. He effectively has a free maid and nanny and no worries in life at all.

It sounds like he contributes nothing for children's clothes, activities etc.

I only recently realised I could claim DLA, carers allowance and tax credits. Before that I was struggling so much on just maintenance and child benefit that I couldn't even afford shoes or a coat for me.

He has £1500 a month pocket money and you have to save up to clothe his kids?

And the £300 a month pension......thats his too, you wont see a penny of that. S £1800 a month and you are saving up. Thats your issue. Other people are assuming he pays because he fucking SHOULD and he isnt.

23 months, not 13. My pushchair post had a typo but it wasn't really necessary to correct it.

He watched the kids for ten minutes tonight while I ironed some school uniform and honestly he looked like he was going to collapse with the strain afterwards.

Oh and assuming that he would have your 2 kids EOW, he would have to pay £105 per week in maintenance. Thats on top of what you would get in benefits as a single mother. You would be better off without him.

Precisely what I'm wondering, Giraffe...

I was speaking to my sister about it all today and she thinks I should marry him so at least I have some financial security if everything else doesn't improve.

You would probably actually get more from him if you left him because he would be forced to pay for his children then. I honestly think this is disgusting. I would catagorise this as abuse. It would be incredibly difficult for you to leave him because he essentially keeps you in poverty and unable to save for yourself.

If he didnt have them EOW (the post about the ten minutes suggests not) then it would be £123.

He wouldn't have contact. But he would pay maintenance. I could work p/t if I wasn't with him.

Yes, house, it is impossible to leave. I've looked into it and with no guarantor to rent a private property, our only option would be an unfurnished council property possibly miles from school when I can't drive. Trapped is spot on.

I think you know what to do.

He has three other DC so maintenance wouldn't be that much but less stress would be priceless.

You can seperate whilst still living in the same house. As long as you are not sharing a bed, not doing things for each other as a couple etc then you can claim benefits as a single parent, claim maintenance etc and save for the deposit etc. It can be done.