to be annoyed that people presume DP pays for everything because I'm a SAHM?

[partridgeappletree]

DP earns £45k and our rent is £350 p/m. He has no major debts and we run one car which we don't use much. He transfers me £350 per month for food for us plus DCs aged 9, almost 4 and 2. I receive £200 maintenance for 9 yo, child benefit, DLA, carers allowance and tax credits. Out of this I top up the food money, pay my bills, pay for DCs activities/clothes/shoes/birthday and Christmas presents and everything else to do with them. I also clothe myself and pay for the pets.

Last weekend we attended a wedding of DPs colleague and neither myself or the DC had anything to wear so I had to save to buy us all new outfits and shoes. Lots of people commented on how gorgeous they looked and how lucky we are to have DP working so hard to buy such lovely outfits.

I have saved to pay for us all to go away to Peppa Pig World for our middle daughters birthday for the weekend next month and know people will assume DP has paid but actually all he'll contribute is the petrol money. On birthdays and Christmases, his family comment on what lovely presents the DC have and how lucky they are and how they should thank daddy but he doesn't pay for them nor know what they are until they open them. He plays no part in organising or paying for parties and I'm fed up of being told how lucky I am to be a SAHM and have DP providing for us. I gave up a well paid career to be a SAHM and resent the fact that everyone presumes I'm living off DP when that actually isn't the case.

Aibu?

It is annoying when people assume he is the one earning the money. Or that he pays for the house, or the bills. Or the food, or the child care, I agree.

Other than getting a t-shirt made up though I don't know how people are going to know any better and they are going to have to remain ignorant.

It's something you do for yourself I suppose because no one else is really considering your situation as they are fully involved in their own lives.

Really sorry, I'm sure you love him so prefixing this with an apology, but that financial relationship sucks!
I have been a stay at home mum for the last year and a half and my hubby has been paying me more than he gets as I have to pay out for the kids.
When we amalgamated our money (when we got married) we tallied up both our earnings and then shared the money 50/50 at his suggestion.
He totally understands that although I get a bit more peace and quiet during the day compared to him I do nearly all the cooking, cleaning, washing, I'm not so good at tidying so he pitches in with that (bless him) and I ferry the kids around, which takes up a lot of my time!
We are a team and he is my best friend, it sounds to me that the annoyance you feel is that your partner isn't working as a team with you he's living a separate and pretty good life, whilst you are working your arse off!
What you have written makes me feel really sad that you are not more valued and cherished in your relationship

My ex husband was like that. That's one of the reasons he's my ex.

I don't know why people are posting. She won't come back. She never does when she gets busted.

The way this post is going is classic MN -- 2 pages in and it's properly 'financial abuse' and LTB!!

OP you have got to stop referring to the money you get from the govt - and hence the community and others - as your 'INCOME'. That money is in principle/on policy given to families to pay for their children to try to address issues of poverty/stop poverty in children. The DLA money is for your child. CHILD not ADULT. So maybe stop referring to it as some kind of INCOME that you earned.

Weird thread.

Who gives a fuck what other people think? Your main problem is that your DP is frankly loaded and you are living on benefits, essentially.
Whats that all about?

It is annoying when people assume that the man is the main source of money regardless, I think many people are still trapped in a 19th C mindset about it all! I have always earned more than DH, and therefore paid more into the house, joint account etc (until we had DD and every penny vanished into the nursery coffers!). But I used to be astonished by some of the things people would say, like for example I went shopping while he was at the football, and endured all sorts of remarks from his mates afterwards about what I was up to with his credit card. I was quite baffled really, wondering why they would even think that I didn't have my own credit card. During a row with MIL when she decided to accuse me of being a bad wife for suggesting he put the kettle on,I pointed out to her that I was the main breadwinner. She didn't speak to me again for 3 years!!
In this particular case however, I think the OP is more enraged by the way her DP is treating her than anything else. And it seems very wrong, I hope she manages to get a better deal (ie more fair and caring) for herself. Nobody deserves to be somebody's drudge, and carry the finances as well.

billskyesdog I take it not all is as it would first appear?!

*sykes

Please explain what's going on? Someone?

Where did OP go? I'm confused by the whole situation.
Our household money is 'ours' if I don't have money I use DPs, and vice versa. I've never understood married people with seperate finances. Baffles the life out of me

Billsykesdog please elaborate!!!!

I will PM you later Chelazla. At work now.

Busted? Whats going on BillSykes?

I thought it was just that she was shifty about how long this has been going on.

She's been flamed for continued inaction before and (I think) had threads deleted.

"The very real, very hard work, parenting"? And the other work is what then? Not real? Not hard? I am amazed. Yes it is hard to stay at home but nobody forces you to surely? It's 2016 and there is always a way to share parenting one way or another, and I would know because I never had that option but a
Ways found a way to make it work with the fatherhood of my kids even then we were abroad and it was not easy. It has worked out for the best thigh as one thing I am today is NOT resentful . Why would you give us a career ? unless there would be special circumstances. But anyway juggling parenting and a job and sharing this with my DP was what I found extraordinarily hard but very healthy in terms of dynamics in our relationship and auto reawarding too. When I read posts like this one I have no regrets over the challenging times I had to go through, at least I am not bitter nor counting who paid for what.

Apologies ant the auto correct typos! Argh.

I recognise OP from numerous previous threads under different user names. She constantly posts on the same sort of issues then ignores all advice. If I recall correctly, her DP is a fireman.

Fireman. Yes that's it. I knew it was something where you got dirty

What are you actually paying OP? It seems like it's all being given to you by your DP and the state. You don't have a job, apart from being a SAHM.

I recognise OP from numerous previous threads under different user names. She constantly posts on the same sort of issues then ignores all advice. If I recall correctly, her DP is a fireman

So what if she does. It's quite normal for someone experancing abuse to do so.

It's less usual for sufferers to identify it quickly and instantly jump ship or even agree when others identify it for them and do likewise.

People identify it and accept that identification in their own way at their own pace and respond to it in their own time when they are ready and it feels safer to do so.

Flaming/ getting stroppy/ or badgering someone who has not yet reached that point is rarely ever going to help them and is far closer to the type of conduct an abuser uses rather than that of someone who wishes to challenge abuse.

Exactly Needs.

It's just frustrating that she always disappears.