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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that people presume DP pays for everything because I'm a SAHM?

198 replies

partridgeappletree · 17/05/2016 23:10

DP earns £45k and our rent is £350 p/m. He has no major debts and we run one car which we don't use much. He transfers me £350 per month for food for us plus DCs aged 9, almost 4 and 2. I receive £200 maintenance for 9 yo, child benefit, DLA, carers allowance and tax credits. Out of this I top up the food money, pay my bills, pay for DCs activities/clothes/shoes/birthday and Christmas presents and everything else to do with them. I also clothe myself and pay for the pets.

Last weekend we attended a wedding of DPs colleague and neither myself or the DC had anything to wear so I had to save to buy us all new outfits and shoes. Lots of people commented on how gorgeous they looked and how lucky we are to have DP working so hard to buy such lovely outfits.

I have saved to pay for us all to go away to Peppa Pig World for our middle daughters birthday for the weekend next month and know people will assume DP has paid but actually all he'll contribute is the petrol money. On birthdays and Christmases, his family comment on what lovely presents the DC have and how lucky they are and how they should thank daddy but he doesn't pay for them nor know what they are until they open them. He plays no part in organising or paying for parties and I'm fed up of being told how lucky I am to be a SAHM and have DP providing for us. I gave up a well paid career to be a SAHM and resent the fact that everyone presumes I'm living off DP when that actually isn't the case.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
partridgeappletree · 18/05/2016 00:27

We can't because it's rented through his work so we have no right to be here if we're not a couple. I could use my credit card for a deposit but no landlord will take me on without a guarantor. And I have no one.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 18/05/2016 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/05/2016 00:31

Have you actually looked into whether a landlord would take you? You are being financially abused, and that is a game changer. Womens Aid may be able to help you.

Bogeyface · 18/05/2016 00:34

Are you a forces wife? Isnt there a support system for you? Abusive relationships are sadly very common in forces families which is why there are counsellors etc in place. If there is then they would be a good first point of contact. It may be that all he needs is a chat from someone else to show him just how unfair your financial situation is.

Bogeyface · 18/05/2016 00:34

that not to say you should stay with him btw, but increased financial freedom would put you in a place where you could save an escape fund.

DixieNormas · 18/05/2016 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven · 18/05/2016 00:38

Being in receipt of dla doesn't make you entitled to tax credits it just increases them as there is a dusabled child element. However you have to be entitled to tax credits in the first place.

WriteforFun1 · 18/05/2016 00:42

OP you say you could part time without him
Why can't you work part time now, then at least you'd have some independence

Has this always been the case, I mean him not paying for his kids?

You could get married but you'd need to stick it out for a while to be entitled to anything but check how it works with army pension

Does he spend time with his other children?

DixieNormas · 18/05/2016 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/05/2016 00:49

Being in receipt of DLA changes the entitlement limit, so a person without DLA may earn too much but a person earning the same but in receipt of DLA would be perfectly entitled to claim.

Check your facts AndNow

DixieNormas · 18/05/2016 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/05/2016 00:58

No they dont fucking tell you! But then why would they when it means that on paper they are doing the right thing but in reality people who can claim dont bother as they dont think that they can!

Baconyum · 18/05/2016 01:15

I'm thinking not forces as they would have to be married so get SFA. Is he a civil servant? Sounds like he's in something like a govt department. That would explain the tied house/subsidised rent.

This very much sounds like financial abuse. As well as women's aid the civil service has various departments for dealing with these issues.

Now the proper response is out of the way - OP he's taking the piss!

Baconyum · 18/05/2016 01:17

They (DWP etc) tell you sod all! Up to 5 years after splitting from ex I was still learning what I was entitled to!

Bogeyface · 18/05/2016 01:29

Well why would they Bacony? After all, the information is in the public domain on a website hidden away on a page with no Google link and no information on the main webpage

If you dont know then its down to you! Hmm

Fuckers.

Just5minswithDacre · 18/05/2016 01:56

OP did you post a while back about wanting to do teacher training but being trapped by the tied house/lazy arse/childcare costs situation?

Just5minswithDacre · 18/05/2016 01:57

If OP is who I think she is Bacon the OH is something agricultural or similar. More skilled manual, anyway.

tralaaa · 18/05/2016 06:58

This doesn't add up at all.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/05/2016 06:59

The rent didn't seem ridiculously cheap to me. I assumed HA in the north/wales/somewhere other than southern England but now it seems to be subsidised, but thats a minor issue.

What does your DP do with all his money? Spend it on himself, support his other DCs, let it build up as savings? Agree that he should be paying more on bills qnd other household etc but really it would be fairer to combine all income and pay all household and DC costs from that, put some away for annual and unexpected expenses like weddings and holidays etc and both of you take some spending money afterwards, which should be the same amount.

You should be able to have quite a nice lifestyle on your household income and low rent and it sounds like you do work hard, running the house and caring for a disabled child - if you did all this as a paid job as a specialist nanny/housekeeper you would probably earn nearly as much as your DP and have paid time off.

But yes, it's extremely irritating when people comment that they assume the man pays for everything and ignore the contribution by the SAHP.

Some of DPs older male relatives have said similar things to me - I bumped into one while out shopping and he said 'oh are you out spending DPs money?'

At the time I earned about 3 times what DP earned and I just said something like 'I earn most of the money in our house actually'.

Fidelia · 18/05/2016 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 18/05/2016 07:13

What the hell does dp pay for?

RosieandJim89 · 18/05/2016 07:35

Fidelia - it has been said many times that she has a child with disability which is why she qualifies.

I would call this financial abuse OP. I would be looking for way out.

BonerSibary · 18/05/2016 07:36

Those saying it doesn't add up, do you actually know what the threshold is for 3 kids when one gets DLA? I don't, I can't find it either, but until and unless someone posts it the 'doesn't add up' posts are redundant.

And there are loads of places you can rent somewhere dirt cheap. Admittedly there aren't many 45k earners living in those areas, but there aren't zero either.

Arborea · 18/05/2016 07:43

OP your sister is right, you'd be much better off financially if you were married!

Lightbulbon · 18/05/2016 07:48

He has 3 other DCs?!

What does he do for them?

Is he paying maintenance?

No wonder he split from their mum, he's a bloody awful partner!

This is financial abuse, go to a refuge and get onto the council house waiting list.

Maybe your 9yo will have to move school but that is much better than what they're living with now.