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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

187 replies

DreamCloud99 · 15/05/2016 18:15

Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....." Shock

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME Hmm

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

OP posts:
Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 15/05/2016 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crispbutty · 15/05/2016 18:18

Would you have talked about it with your Mum. Shes being unfair by bringing it up, but I can understand him wanting to talk to someone close about it.

Gide · 15/05/2016 18:19

The gym will sort out your ME?! Does she just think you're lazy?! I would have told her it was none of her damned business and she could shut the fuck up. How dare she tell you she wants another baby around? What's it got to do with her? Cheeky cow.

What has DP said? Has he been discussing it with her? YANBU.

treaclesoda · 15/05/2016 18:19

I don't think he did anything particularly awful by confiding in his mum. I'd like to hope that when my children are adults they might feel they can confide in me if they have something on their mind that is bothering them.

But your MIL should have the sense to keep her opinions to herself because ultimately just because someone confides in you it doesn't make the problem into their business.

Chlobee87 · 15/05/2016 18:20

YANBU. I would be furious with the pair of them. Him for sharing deeply personal and (as yet) unresolved issues, and MIL for being so bloody rude and intrusive and trying to put pressure on you. I would be having extremely serious words with H when you get home.

Osolea · 15/05/2016 18:20

I dint think he's fine wrong by talking it his mum about it, but she should have kept it to herself.

miraclebabyplease · 15/05/2016 18:20

What Crispbutty said.

MiddleClassProblem · 15/05/2016 18:21

That's crap. I would be inclined to explain that you didn't plan on having ME or if you already had ME how it would be managing it with twins...

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 15/05/2016 18:22

Your mother in law was utterly out of order for poking her nose where it wasn't welcome. I'd point that out, to her and her son. What a foul thing to do to you.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/05/2016 18:22

Yes I would be annoyed with DH, the size of your family is a decision for you and him only. God, even if he felt a need to confide in someone about his feelings he must have some inkling that his mother lacks tact and might actually raise the subject with you?

And as for her comment re going to the gym to cure your ME...

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2016 18:22

He has every right to discuss it with his Mum, but she should never have said anything to you.

Lpel · 15/05/2016 18:22

Of course he would talk about it to his mum but she shouldn't have said anything to you about it and I would think your DH must've been squirming. She needs to keep her opinions to herself.

Original poster
DreamCloud99 · 15/05/2016 18:23

I haven't discussed it with anyone , not even my mum as I know DH is upset about not having more children .

I can understand him talking to his mum - maybe I'm just more pissed off that she had the balls to say it's "only fair !"

Yes, they think I'm lazy - they keep asking what I'm going to do with all my spare time when the boys are at school - I don't have spare time - I have recovery time !

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 15/05/2016 18:23

I talk to my mum about everything so don't see anything unreasonable in ably one else doing so but its not fair for her to pressure you

GinnyMcGinFace · 15/05/2016 18:24

We have four children (two are my step children) and my husband is desperate for another child. I know he's discussed it with his mum because they are close and I've discussed it with her too because we are close. I don't have the additional stresses that you have I simply don't want another one. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is there is nothing wrong with your husband talking to his mum but she should have done what my MIL does and offer a listening ear to us both. We call her Switzerland!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/05/2016 18:24

When you sat "they" think your lazy do you mean DH too??

gamerchick · 15/05/2016 18:25

Well it may be fine to talk to his mother, it's nice if you can have that kind of relationship. It's not cool for her to pull you about it though. I'd be tearing strips of him to tell her to watch her mouth in future.

Or better still go back in and say you're leaving and tell them why. She's out of order.

whois · 15/05/2016 18:26

Ok for DH to talk to his mum.

Not ok for her to speak about it to you.

Original poster
DreamCloud99 · 15/05/2016 18:27

I think my anger at her comments is masking my rational side . I accept I'm BU for being angry he discussed it with her . I too would hope for my sons to talk to me ....

BUT to tell me I'm unfair and lazy has me seething Angry

DH doesn't think I'm being lazy , he understands it.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 15/05/2016 18:27

I would take her up on her offer of help with the twins - whether you use that time to go the gym is entirely up to you - she doesn't need to know. In fact I'd have been furious and totally OTT "oh wow MIL, I've been struggling all this time with ME and the twins and you haven't said a word about helping out before now, but great, how wonderful of you to offer to help at last, how about I drop them off tomorrow, what time suits you?".

She's out of order bringing it up. He's not wrong for discussing it with her but yeah, she shouldn't have mentioned it to you.

RaeSkywalker · 15/05/2016 18:27

I would be very angry if my MIL stuck her nose in like that.

Allalonenow · 15/05/2016 18:31

That was dreadful of your MIL to speak about it at a family gathering, and later to try to emotionally blackmail you about your decision.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/05/2016 18:31

Week I'm glad to hear he's not the one who thinks you're lazy but on the other hand I'm not convinced he quite understands it if he's putting pressure on you to have another baby.

I'd be having words with him about his mother, along the lines that if he feels he must discuss such subjects he should at least ensure she knows what your condition actually means. Gym my arse!

gabbyevs · 15/05/2016 18:31

ask youe dh to have a word and tell his mother not to mention it

everyone else wants a child you dont-people seem to think ME is just a hormone thing-tell her youre doctor is advising you but youre not capable of having more

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/05/2016 18:32

Sorry for my spelling errors I've had couple glasses of wine!