To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

[DreamCloud99]

Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....."

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

Sorry Op just read your post that DH is furious with his mother so should change the previous post to read:
Does your MIL expect you to take the 33% risk rate of worsening your ME?

He's not BU to talk to his mum about this. He may need someone to open up to while and after this is resolved. Your MIL is BU to put pressure on you and not understand your POV.

OTOH I can understand why your DH will be disappointed but he shouldn't out pressure on you. Maybe you should book an appt at your GP or something for both of you to discuss this. He may not understand all the strain it would put on you and needs help with that.

Sorry just seen the comment about your DH being furious with your MIL. Glad he's on your side and does understand. He still wasn't being U talking to her about it but she is BVU.

Me and my DP "agreed" to have a very large family.... Like 6-7!! For years we felt this and after my second (his first) DC now I feel like I may be done. He totally respects this as he knows it's my body that will suffer and birth is a risky business, sounds like your DH is on your side too which is fantastic.

She clearly had an image of all these kids running round and is projecting that dream onto you with no regard for your health, no wonder you're both fuming! Silly cow She is utterly blessed with twins and still wants more, I find that unbelievable. Hope you're feeling ok today OP

I hope your DH tore her new one for making those comments. It's perfectly reasonable that he'd be sad that 3rd baby would be unlikely and for him to expressed that.

What is not ok is for her to wait until you are alone to then stick her nose in. If she wants a newborn, tell her to get a fucking puppy.

Oh, OP. People can be so thoughtless about things like ME.

It sounds as though your DH has your back though, which is good. And I think you should feel absolutely free to tell the PILs to fuck the fuck off if they make any more stupid comments about spare time or going to the gym.

It's not unreasonable for him to speak to his mother about his feelings regarding a third child. It is, however, COMPLETELY unreasonable for her to interfere in this way, as if she's speaking on his behalf. I feel so terrible for you having to go through that conversation, and I would feel betrayed and bullied.

It strikes me that you have a husband and in laws who really don't understand your condition or how debilitating it is. That suggests to me that you struggle through things that are really too much without complaining. Perhaps it's time to start getting bolshy and demanding more help?

If your DH wants another child, he clearly isn't as tired and ill as you are. Time for him to pick up more of the strain.

I hope you get an apology OP. (even if it's a token apology and she doesn't 'get it' at all. at least she might keep her stupid attitude to herself in future).

I'm glad that your husband is on your side.

For my part I would feel it odd that he felt it necessary to mention to his mum that you would have liked 3 kids but were sticking at 2.

Obviously to such a point that she felt it neessary to try to convince you to have another.

That in no way takes away the ignorant thing she said to you, but I'd likely be pissed off with my husband as well.

good for DH let us know what happened-she sounds like an interfering old goat

We are on our way home

Visit has been cut short by two days by DH.

He didn't want to tell me what was said last night for fear of upsetting me but I cajoled him and he did .

PIL have said they don't understand my condition and never will . MIL especially says that if I have the energy to go out with my friends (I go out once every few months and its planned around resting !) , then I have the energy to be working !

I quit my job and I'm a SAHM as I can't physically do it . MIL fears that I will never work again and just expect DH to run himself in to the ground.

She did say she was sorry for putting her nose in , but feels sorry for DH that I won't give him what we "agreed" to before marriage.

DH told her it's not like that at all and yes, he would have liked more but he is happy with our twins only . He also told her the reason we now stay in a hotel is because of our last visit .

(I had gone up to bed and heard MIL saying I'm lazy and I better not expect to do nothing all weekend). He pulled them on that at the time .

He also pointed out that I had made the effort to come all the way to visit even though it will leave me exhausted for days on end . MIL tutted apparently

So DH walked out and told them we won't be visiting again until they apologise and accept my condition can not be fixed by "going to the bloody gym!"

I dare not tell DH we have left our phone cable at their house

Well done your DH for fighting your corner. They sound ignorant and judgemental and I'm glad he's got your back.

Bl**dy hell what ignorant people, your poor DH having to deal with them being like that instead of being able to lean on them for help and support!!

Glad that he is gab DH and is on your side

Wow, good on him for backing you up like that!

Fuck the ILs and their shitty attitude. I get quite fearful that people see me looking fine and assume there is nothing wrong. In fact my grandad made a comment before about how I was ok 80% of the time (despite me having to give up work) I told him no, he only sees me when I am well enough and even then I don't feel great. His response was to read up on it and he sometimes makes me aware of research he has read about (at the time it was in America where they thought they had found a virus). I was amazed tbh, no one ever takes that level of interest.

Even if they do apologise, I'd be reluctant to forget it. They will still have their ignorant beliefs. They'll probably only apologise because they want to see their son and DGC.

I'm with ChicRock. Children are hard work no matter how much you love them.
Your MIL is the one in the wrong here - and she knows it - she waited until the others were outside before saying anything.
I don't have ME but have another auto immune prob which involves fatigue. It's usually 'getting through' the day. Yes - you need 'recovery' time.
In the meantime, to stay as healthy as possible, you need that support now too. I used have a woman in so I could to the gym (before healthy issues) and sometimes I went straight upstairs to bed!

Being Irish with family in Ireland, there were many times I was glad not to have their input despite possible support...

Your PIL sound ignorant and quite comfortable with being so, which is unfortunate for you all because you have to deal with unsupportive people rather than having their support when you need it. DH has done the right thing IMO and your PILs need to butt out of your business until they can show some respect and empathy for you. Some folks of the older generation just don't get certain illnesses though, they probably still think a brisk walk around the park will fix PPD. I'm sorry she upset you, OP, but your DH sounds like a good'un.

This would by the time for your DH to add their address to every ME support group you can find.

What would they say if when you had the twins, you were told that another pregnancy could kill you? They'd probably say, "Well it might not."

Good for your DH. I have several conditions that cause exhaustion and some people just don't understand, even some who pretend they do. If I am honest, I doubt your PIL will ever be supportive or understanding.

You can always buy a new phone cable!

Oh gosh it's so nice to hear about partners backing each other up in the face of unreasonable parents for a change.

I read these sorts of threads and it makes my blood boil the more it goes on usually. Well done to your DH for standing his ground and well done you for putting up with these ignorant people all this time OP

I wonder if they will apologise?

I'd refuse to talk to her again.

Lazy...!

Only fair....!

Bollocks to them. Your body.

She's a nanna, they want loads of grandkids, it's their job. (You'll be just like it when you are older, trust me! I'm 'only' 50 and can't wait for my son to start producing grandkids for me... and he is only 12!!

Wierd thing is I was never even broody in my 20s/30s! Now I go all stupid at the sight of a baby!!! Must be hotwired into us!!)

Don't have a go at DH, sounds like she is the type to constantly ask where the'promised' 3rd child is and he told her you'd changed your mind to get her off your back.

You have a lot on your plate. Twins and ME! I'd accept her offer of help with the teins but stick to your guns about number 3.
She sounds a sweetheart, don't be too angry x

MIL had her chance at parenting and having newborns to cuddle! It's not the OP's job to keep producing babies to satisfy grandmotherly broodiness!

And if PIL live several hours away, they'll be fuck-all help on a day-today basis. Offering to cuddle while the OP races around after twins and deals with the recovery from several hours travelling is not helping.

Your husband is a good one OP.

Offering to cuddle a baby, that should say.I very much doubt that the OP wants a cuddle from MIL.

MsHoolie I'm 47 and my youngest is 12. I don't want to be a grandmother for a very long time.

Oops, just read previous thread and seen what happened.

Personally I think your DH needs to learn to zip it! He should not repeat every bloody conversation/row he has with his parents to you! WTF does he think that will do to help make you feel better? Just adds fuel to the fire. He needs to know when to keep schtum. (Telling you about her tutting? Really?)
I have a brother who repeats EVERYTHING to his wife and it is bloody exhausting and causes no end of fueds and drama (even though he is the one that asked for advice/comment!) So we all walk around on constant eggshells waiting for the next drama to blow up.
Some conversations are private and do not need sharing... what you don't know won't hurt you.

Yes, your PILs don't understand ME... they are old school, it did not exist when they were growing up, so they are going to make crass mistakes.
Your DH should send them an easy to understand guide to it (print something off the web)

Not worth falling out over!! Life is too short.