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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

187 replies

DreamCloud99 · 15/05/2016 18:15

Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....." Shock

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME Hmm

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

OP posts:
kathyjoy · 16/05/2016 14:36

DreamCloud99 The problem is there are so many illnesses people of your MIL generation that they don't understand because they didn't know about it and they think that is the same as 'didn't exist in my day' which leads them to wrongly think things like ME and mental illness is fake. As people have suggested, try and educate them but expect resistance and most likely they're too set in their ways. I feel for you - super glad your DH is supportive.

diddl · 16/05/2016 15:05

There are certain things though that if you know nothing about them, then you keep your bloody mouth shut!

I also think that your husband needs more of a filter where his mum is concerned.

"DH told her it's not like that at all and yes, he would have liked more but he is happy with our twins only" - there's no need for him to keep saying that he would have liked more.

PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2016 15:09

She's a nanna, they want loads of grandkids, it's their job. (You'll be just like it when you are older, trust me! I'm 'only' 50 and can't wait for my son to start producing grandkids for me... and he is only 12!!

This is what killed the relationship between me and my mil. I hope to goodness you don't put any pressure on him. No one should have kids for anyone else. If you're not done being a mother you need to sort that out yourself with counselling, not project that onto someone else.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/05/2016 15:11

I also hate it when people say "you'll be just like this". Nah, love loads of people are like that, trust me.

kathyjoy · 16/05/2016 15:32

MsHoolie 'She's a nanna, they want loads of grandkids, it's their job. (You'll be just like it when you are older, trust me! I'm 'only' 50 and can't wait for my son to start producing grandkids for me... and he is only 12!!

No it is not your job don't be so self-entitled. It is none of your business whether your children have kids of their own. You have zero say in it. You have no rights. You raised your kids. It is not the business of any parent whether their adult kids have kids of their own. None of your damn business at all. Stop trying to live through your kids - if you want babies, go conceive one or adopt a baby. Don't pressure your own kids into giving you grandkids. It's not your place.

LadyReuleaux · 16/05/2016 15:50

"can't wait for my son to start producing grandkids for me..."

Bloody Nora! Do you really think your son's kids (if he has them) will be "for you"? Remember they will be someone else's kids too - some woman he's with who would probably quite like to enjoy being their actual mum, that is.

Also it's possible for nannas/grannies to have an actual job - I hope I still do if/when I'm a grandparent. It's not their job to be a nanna, any more than it's every woman's job to be a mother.

My mum put massive pressure on me to have kids. I remember her complaining to me that she'd bumped into a friend in the supermarket with their grandkids and she was "shown up" because she didn't have any yet and she had to confess to her friend that her own DDs were "barren".

Guess what, we're estranged. So now she doesn't get to see my kids anyway, because she's too controlling and unpleasant.

MrsMimmy · 16/05/2016 15:59

Sorry, relative newbie, no idea how to tag... OP, well done for keeping your cool, and I'm so pleased for you how well your DH supports you! My DH's ex would run him down to her parents, and happily let them talk down to him without standing up for him at all. It sucks. Maybe you could google ME and print out some helpful explanation pages, maybe there's something on an NHS site? They'd not have the excuse of not understanding your illness then. Flowers

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/05/2016 16:55

I'd love to be a grandmother one day but it's up to my DD if and when she had kids, she certainly wouldnt be having them for my benefit.

AHellOfABird · 16/05/2016 18:33

All the ME print out ideas might be helpful but have nothing to do with the issue really, which is that MIL thinks she has a say over another woman's bodily autonomy.

OP could have any reason or none for not wanting a third, the MIL has no right to interfere.

AHellOfABird · 16/05/2016 18:35

If the relationship is soured, OP, it ain't by you!

swelchphr · 16/05/2016 18:41

I see how this may have made you uncomfortable, but it's important to him too, and his mother was probably a safe outlet for him. The "only fair" comment from her is weird though. You're certainly allowed to change your mind, it's not like to signed a contract.

a1poshpaws · 16/05/2016 18:51

As a fellow sufferer of M.E. I think your husband is WAY out of order in expecting you to get pregnant again. How you're coping just now is a matter of wonder to me. If he can't appreciate how fortunate he is to have healthy twin boys - especially when so many people are desperate to have even 1 child, and can't - then he's a spoilt, narcissistic, selfish lout, lacking in both empathy and sheer common sense.

I think the issue of him talking to his Mum is secondary - I suppose if he felt everything coming to the boil within him, it was better he talk to her than someone outside the family.

But she sounds as foolish as him in that she should never have mentioned it to you, far less said you were being unfair.

If I were in your place, I'd tell your husband that he can accept his good fortune in having you - managing to stop from becoming bedridden with the M.E. too! - and his sons, or he can take a hike and get a divorce.

You're never, ever going to be happy if he and your mil keep trying to pressure you. You'd be better off a single Mum. People grow, people change, so do circumstances. Your husband's just a big girl's blouse if he can't accept that & be grateful for what he's got.

AHellOfABird · 16/05/2016 18:54

Please read the OP's posts at least, which can be highlighted by the handy customise features.

AHellOfABird · 16/05/2016 18:55

And big girl's blouse is an outdated and sexist insult, is it not?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/05/2016 18:57

Posh, the DH is expecting her to get pregnant, he like another child, but knows its unlikely, so he's sad about that and that is all. He stood up for his wife when it counted.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/05/2016 18:58

*not expecting

Janetizzy30 · 16/05/2016 19:21

Just discovered I have fibromygalia and we were planning on another that's out the window now Mil luckily is supportive I'd be embarrassed and walk outside but yanbu x

SilkandSteel · 16/05/2016 19:48

Yep kathyjoy I read the final paragraph of your post suggesting OP and her husband needed marriage counselling, why aren't 2 enough, etc etc. Maybe you should re-read your own post

AnnieOnnieMouse · 16/05/2016 20:06

go to the gym to sort out my ME
red cloud of rage descends

I like what *ChicRock said waaay upthread.
Thankful that your DH understands your ME.

murmuration · 16/05/2016 21:06

Glad your DH Is on your side! If he wants to continue this, he really should work to educate his parents about ME. It is massively disrepectful of both you and him for them to willfully remain ignorant and say they always will be!

Megansmumsie · 17/05/2016 00:12

I understand this completely. I met my husband at uni and worked my bollocks off getting my degree, i fell pregnant in my second year and we got a house together. I went to university while pregnant- other women were taking maternity leave and i was going back to uni, i even had my daughter in the Christmas break (ok that was a fluke!). I studied for three years and worked at numerous schools as part of my training, i don't drive so this always involved many buses especially when my daughter was born.

I had an endless stream of emails from my SIL and MIL during this time with jobs they'd found for me to do along side a full time degree, working at the schools, looking after my DD and running a new home.

Every time i asked when i was meant to fit this in with everything else, besides not sleep they fobbed me off with it not being fair on my husband that he went out to work and i JUST went to uni. Next came the 'when are you having another one?', every few months despite the fact that i've always maintained that i am happy with one.

I have osteoarthritis so i'm in pain pretty much most of the day- it's in my spine, neck and shoulder which got a lot worse while i was at uni, now i have arthritis in my hands too so gripping, bending, living all hurts but i get told that i'm selfish for not providing another child to the family (i'm the only daughter/DIL to have one at all!!) so i truly understand why it's so frustrating when people don't understand where you're coming from with the issue health wise to having another child. Although i know you're upset that he spoke about it to his mother (which i'd be p'd with too) i feel that you're more annoyed about the insinuation that you're in some way lazy for having ME!! Which obviously you are not, does she even know anything about ME for goodness sake!!?

Talk to him about it if you can, don't let it fester. She has hurt you're feelings and made a pretty crappy assumption about you that is unreasonable. Perhaps print her something out about ME and stick it on her fridge or up her.... sorry. :-)

Janetizzy30 · 17/05/2016 01:08

People don't want to understand invisible illnesses like ME fibromygalia or something along those lines try having kids and having to pick and choose carefully what you do or where you go frustrates me when people don't bother to listen and think they are right. I feel for you OP but big-up to your dh. My dh did the same for me before MIL realised and became supportive but she wasn't snide just asked me why I was so tired all time and why I wasn't doing much housework x

AppleMagic · 17/05/2016 01:50

I'm glad that your dh is supporting you now but I think given your MIL's previous insensitivity towards your medical condition he shouldn't have picked her as confidante even if he was sad and wanted to talk it through with someone.
If she asked directly, he could have easily just said that you had both changed your mind without telling her it was because of your ME. She clearly doesn't have the sensitivity/boundaries to be trusted with personal information.

Atenco · 17/05/2016 02:56

How old are the PIL? Because I'm nearly 65 and M.E. was around when I was relatively young.

In fact, there was a time when it was the topic of conversation.

They sound quite unpleasant but they certainly raised a lovely son.

Clandestino · 17/05/2016 05:33

She sounds a sweetheart, don't be too angry x

She's an ignorant twat who thinks ME is about being lazy. I have a daughter but the last thing I dream about is a house full of Grandchildren. Same goes for my Mum. She has the heart of gold and loves her GCs but we have never ever had a pressure to reproduce to satisfy her Granny hormones. That only came from my aunt who is a deluded lunatic living in her weird own world anyway.

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