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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

187 replies

DreamCloud99 · 15/05/2016 18:15

Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....." Shock

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME Hmm

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamCloud99 · 15/05/2016 21:09

Well DH is furious !

He said the only thing he has ever said is he would love more children but with Dreams condition, it's unlikely to happen. Nothing unreasonable about that .

He is even more furious about her gym comments though . Especially as the reason we now stay in a hotel and not at their house is because of their ignorant comments about my illness last time .

He is angry that he has spent time explaining it to them and they "still don't fucking get it !" - his words .

He's insisted on going back around for a word Blush

I like my PIL but they can be hard work and upsetting . I hope this doesn't cause more issues !

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 15/05/2016 21:10

So going to the gym can 'sort out' ME!?Amazing! Could you ask her what's good for rheumatoid arthritis? Will knitting help? Piano practice? A diet of yellow fruits? She must know something others don't!

AHellOfABird · 15/05/2016 21:10

Glad he is on your side!

AHellOfABird · 15/05/2016 21:11

I note MIL waited until DH and FIL were outside, bet she knew on some level she was crossing the line!

Kidnapped · 15/05/2016 21:14

Yeah, it is nice that you are both together on this one.

Maybe his folks deserve a bit of a blasting from him about your medical condition. Smile

MiddleClassProblem · 15/05/2016 21:17

As pp, at least you know there is absolutely no pressure from him. That's the most important thing. And brilliant that he is fierce for you.

murmuration · 15/05/2016 21:25

Yay for your DH! And yes, very telling that she waited until he was out of earshot...

And it's they who should be feeling embarassed about any potential causing of issues.

MistressMerryWeather · 15/05/2016 21:34

So you can't stay in their home because they refuse to take your illness seriously? Lovely.

I'm normally the 'let it go and keep the peace' type but if I were in your position I wouldn't be trying to stop DH from going round and confronting them.

TopazRocks · 15/05/2016 21:47

My mild irritation at him discussing this with his ma would be utterly eclipsed by her notion that going to the frigging gym will help, even cure, ME. Is she aware it might even make it worse? I'd also want to check this isn't a view shared by her son.

I think you need to talk to them both about this - so you can put them right as necessary. And include FIL for good measure!! I'd be fuming about the gym idea in fact, and probably ignore the new baby talk. Another point - how likely is it that you could have twins again? Now you know MIL knows about your reservations, maybe just go for it and give them some education ....

PS I've not read beyond page 1. Apologies if I'm repeating someone else.

TopazRocks · 15/05/2016 21:53

Oh, I see the supplementary info. Good you have DH on board though.

AyeAmarok · 15/05/2016 22:00

Thank God your DH is a good man!

I was worried he thought the same as your ignorant MIL.

RaspberryOverload · 15/05/2016 22:17

I hope this doesn't cause more issues !

OP, these are issues of your PILs own making. You have no need to feel guilty. And your DH is a good man. Let him tell his parents what needs to be said.

EweAreHere · 15/05/2016 22:18

I'm glad DH has gone off to tell off his DM.

But ... he talked to his DM about the issue knowing they were already insensitive and rude about your health problems. In fact, they're so insensitive about it, you can't even stay in their home. Her response shouldn't be surprising to him at all.

Sorry, OP. You deserve better treatment by people who are supposedly family, even if you married in to it. xx

EverySongbirdSays · 15/05/2016 22:24

What???

You have to stay in a hotel when you visit as respite because they are so insensitive about your illness?

Have I time travelled to the 70s?

I really thought CFS/ME was much more understood these days.

What bastards

Yay DH for not being behind the comment and going back to have words

crazymammy · 15/05/2016 22:28

She's the one who's being unreasonable! What right does she have to bring it up?! How rude!!
I don't think he's BU discussing it with her but the fact she's seen fit to even comment on it to you has irritated me. Is she normally a meddler??

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/05/2016 22:31

But he might have been saying that in response to her asking about more grandchildren. FIL will persist in asking even when it is blatantly obvious that it is an area not to go to. He may well not have raised the issue but responded to her. It seems a point of competition amongst some grandparents how many GC they have. So insensitive and none of her business. Hope this doesn't drain you too much.

TwirlsInTwirlsOutAgain · 15/05/2016 22:31

I don't think he was out of order for talking to his mum. Lots of people do that, talk to their family about worries etc.
I've got a big family, and we all talk to each other can't sneeze without everyone hearing about it Grin
However, she was totally out of order to go sticking her beak in and saying that, as it's not her decision and totally meddling and interfering.
Listen to concerns by all means, but don't go wading in with your opinion when it's not asked for (MIL, I mean.)

crabb · 15/05/2016 22:45

She is spectacularly stunted in the emotional intelligence department, if she thought that was a reasonable thing to say to you. Grrrr.

CrapDIL · 15/05/2016 23:56

Good on your DH - I'm not surprised he's furious, and I'm not surprised you're upset Thanks

She really does sound utterly stupid and offensive Angry

bakeoffcake · 16/05/2016 08:56

Glad your du is so supportive. If issues do occur its your PIL fault not yours.

Hopefully MIL will apologise to you!

MrsJayy · 16/05/2016 09:02

Your mil thinks the Gym will sort out your illness she thinks you are being unfair onher son I would be tempted to say yeah ill have another if Dh gives up work to look after the 3 children ,I think a serious word isneeded

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2016 09:05

Well done your DH for sticking up for you.

Hope he gave her what for Angry

PersonalSpace · 16/05/2016 09:09

OMG!! YANBU! What an entitled cow! You're supposed to procreate so she can play with a newborn? What planet is she on? And dismissing your ME like that is appalling I don't know how you held yourself together.

MIL: "Have a baby, it's only fair..."
OP: (Long stare) "FWIW MIL this is a very personal issue between DH and I and anyone putting pressure on me to bring a child into the world purely for their enjoyment will be ignored- whether that's you, my neighbour or the postman. If we have another baby it will be a mutual decision between myself and my husband- you know- the child's actual parents. Oh and if you want to help me with my ME I can suggest some great and informative reading material. Once you have got a basic grasp of the condition then let's have another chat."

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/05/2016 09:17

Glad your DH went to have a word, hope you're feeling ok this morning

OzzieFem · 16/05/2016 09:25

Does your DH expect you to take the 33% risk rate of worsening your ME?

The Effect of Pregnancy on ME/CFS (excerpt)
ME/CFS symptoms tend to improve in about one
third of pregnant ME/CFS patients, are unchanged in
about one third and worsen in about one third of
them. www.njcfsa.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Pregnancy-in-Women-with-ME-CFS.pdf

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