To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

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Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....."

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

smoosh. What part of 'It's only fair!' Sounds remotely supportive?!

If he's talked to her, he should have explained clearly about your ME. She obviously doesn't understand or accept the nature of it. I'd be more annoyed about that than the baby comments. It wouldn't bother me her saying she would love another grandchild but her ignorance is upsetting.

MrsGuy, yes, that happens on this anonymous forum. If an op posted with "now my DH is ill he doesn't want a third", responses would be "that's sad but understandable, give yourself time" not, "get some babysitting and send him to the gym until he comes round"

And any woman posting that her mother had taken her DH to task in that situation would be told to give her mum a rocket and suggest she apologised!

DH is getting the boys to bed then I'll update .

DH knows something is up because I burst in to tears the minute we were out the door

It's only a short walk back to our hotel (PIL live hours away from us) and I sobbed the whole way there

I think her son is right to talk to her about something that affects him so much - who wants a man who can't talk about his feelings ? - but it sounds as if she lacks a proper understanding of your ME. She just doesn't get what you're dealing with.

Oh you poor thing. Hopefully your H will understand how upset you are.

Tbh I wouldn't be annoyed if my dh did tell his parents why you weren't having more DC. But I'd be livid with my MIL for being so rude as to bring it up with you and also that she has obviously made no effort to understand your illness. Fucking Gym indeed

I agree with whoever said listen to your husband first, just in case he did just give a factual answer about why you aren't having any more children.

I'm disgusted at him though, if he's continuing to go on about it to stump up more children.

It's so easy to agree to have a certain number when you don't have any, that's the point! Once you start living your life, things happen that mean your best laid plans go awry and you have to make the best life you can. Presumably you didn't plan to have ME, for example.

Your husband should be thinking about your wellbeing as the absolutely first priority in the house. If the 'but you promised' line comes up again, I'd quote the marriage ceremony promises right back- 'in sickness and in health' not just 'in health so you can pop out the required number'.

My husband would have loved more than the two we ended up having, so would I, but he also saw how ill and tired I was after two littlies and working full-time and accepted that it couldn't happen straight away, then the door closed through age and that was that. In another lifetime, three would have been lovely, in this one, two is lovely too.

Illness changes everything, you know that more than most, you cannot change that and to go on about it in the face of that is really unpleasant (I hope he isn't and I slightly misunderstood).

I can imagine my mother saying things like this (hopefully not the ME comment, as my big sister has ME and it's horribly life limiting). She'd say it because she has weird ideas about men being far more important than women, so women should sacrifice in order for men to be happy. She's been like this not just for my brother, but also for her SILs, even the ones she really doesn't like!

Her brain to mouth filter's not great either (and has got worse). We have learned that it's best not to tell her anything too much, which is sad because it's a hard instinct to break, and we do love her.

IMO having kids is like having sex in that you get to change your mind if you want, up until it's actually happened. Never mind what you said before. You have 4yo twins and ME, you are doing amazingly to get through each day.

LOADS of people think they would like a large family, then have one or two and think "errrrr this is actually bloody hard work/that's enough giving birth/PND/hyperemesis/whatever , maybe that's enough". Totally normal. I can't believe they're trying to "hold" you to something you said about this pre-kids.

"It's only fair" my arse. It's actually only fair that you get to have second thoughts after having twins and when you are ill!

Ugh. Your MIL is an interfering piece of work. She had no business talking to you like that and needs educating about ME as well

However, your DH is not in the wrong for discussing it with her unless you specifically agreed not to. Of course people talk to their parents about personal issues. I hope both of mine will keep confiding in me even as adults. You also can't infer exactly what he said to her from what she then said to you.

If it was me, I'd talk to DH and explain how upsetting and intrusive her comments were. She was totally out of order and you're not BU to be upset

Urgh. I'd be raging too. How dare she be so interfering and utterly ignorant too.

I have ME and 2 children. I always wanted more than 2, thankfully I doubt DH shared this information with anyone else. I can't see me having more, I'm exhausted most of the time.

I'd struggle to be around her after the gym comment! Anyone who thinks I'm lazy not ill can fuck right off tbh!

Glad you have come to the understanding that him talking to his mum isn't unreasonable.

Does your mil have form for her crass comments? Or do you think it could have been a misguided way of trying to be supportive?

I think plans to have our not to have children is quite a natural thing to discuss with your parents. It isn't reasonable of her to put pressure on you though.

She shouldn't have mentioned it, it's not her place. However, your husband did nothing wrong talking to his mother about an important issue in his life.

How is MIL planning on helping you with your DSs if she lives hours away?!

Blowninonabreeze good point!

Ive got one grownup DD. When she was 11 months old, my Dad died, I was living in a town, nowhere near my family, in a new home, with DH working long hours, whilst trying to look after my widowed mum, who just seemed to slowly lose her mind after my Dad died!!
I developed post natal depression, which wasn't properly diagnosed at the time due to incompetent small town gp
Anyway my mum, not MIL, my mum!!...said to my DH, that I should never have anymore children. I never did and that heartless comment affected me so deeply.
Even now, years later, I often find my self questioning whether I'm a good mum.
DD doesn't know what was said, but knows I had PND and tells me I was and am a great mum...we're very close.
This is probably all a bit off topic, but god if people only knew the effect their careless words do to people!!
This is the first time I've ever written all this down and reading it back, I actually think I did bloody well and could've probably 'coped' with another 2 or 3 DCs.
Do what's right for you OP that's my point!! 2 children or 2 dozen!! It's YOUR choice

Maybe she will move in?!

I would talk to my mum about this sort of thing so I would have no business getting upset with DH for doing the same thing.

However! DM would never put DH in such an awkward position because a) she loves him and wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable and b) what I share with her is between us.

I can completely understand why you feel the way you do, though.

If MIL is happy to watch the children she should be doing it because she cares about you and wants to spend time with them, not so she can get another grandchild.

Let her help with your children. Get a break. Whether you have any more is entirely your choice.

She was out of order, but now that she has offered, take her up on it.

I would be livid. We have fertility issues and technically it's 'my' fault and if my husband discussed this with anyone outside our relationship I would actually consider ending my marriage. YANBU

How can the MIL help when they live far enough away that OP and family are visiting and staying in a hotel?

I agree OP's DH can talk to his mum, but the way she spoke to OP was out of order.

I think it's her "you are lazy" stance that (rightly) is bothering you more than her opinion on the number of children you have.

I hate people who don't understand other people's medical conditions. I have some mental health problems and some of the people in my life have not exactly covered themselves in glory when it comes to judging me about it all.

I do hope your DH is / continues to be properly supportive of you.

"Only fair"?!

I'd be fuming, too. You've had some good advice already so I'll say no more other than to agree with the supportive comments and also say that Lady Reuleaux is bang on the money with her sex point.

You really need to make your DH understand that ME is not only a horrible thing to have, but is made even worse by ignorant people who don't understand it. I have it and had PIL that considered me a lazy shirker. It also often goes hand-in-hand with depression.

It's all very well having a plan for the future, but how often does the future happen the way we expected it to? I wanted to marry a prince when I grew up - and ended up stuck with an arsehole! Life happens and shit happens. Please don't feel bad for having a change of heart, whatever your circumstances.

Have a calm chat with your DH about how you feel and ask for his support. Even if he feels the need to discuss it with his parents, it won't really matter as long as HE supports you. Does he understand how bad your ME is? If not, take him to your GP the next time you go so he can get information about how devastating this condition can be.

Good luck, OP. I hope you feel better in the future and get all the help you need with this horrible condition (and interfering PIL!).