To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

[DreamCloud99]

Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....."

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

When you are calm tell your DP what MIL said and how much it has hurt you.

He was not being unreasonable to talk to his mum.

His mum was very unreasonable to have trampled all over you verbally.

He needs to pull his mother up on this now. Something along the lines of 'mum i won't discuss personal things with you again if you can't be sensible and have some empathy with how dream might be feeling'

.

Is it buggery "only fair"

Yes you did say you wanted 3, and then you got ME and now you have "spoons" and you don't have enough for a newborn AND reception age twins.

It does sound like he's gone whining : IT'S NOT FAAAAAIIIIRRR Mummy I was PWOMMMIIISSED THREE MUMMY"

Well you know what, shit happens mate and I want doesnt always get.

She shouldn't have brought it up to you, you aren't their chattal, or broodmare what fucking century is this where a MIL can tell a DIL she's neglecting her duties by not providing another heir.

Yes he can talk to his Mum, but it doesn't sound like they did "talk" - "bitched" seems more accurate.

You poor love - YANBU

"It's only fair".

Doesn't sound like she's the ideal confidante!

Are you or DH going to tell her not to interfere with respect to your decisions or health?

He could have just told MIL he was sad and upset that #3 isn't going to happen. It could be MIL trying to jump in and fight his side.

Really you need to ask DH what he actually did say and you need to explain to him how much MIL has upset and infuriated you. He also needs to explain to MIL that ME is serious and there is no "cure" and but out with her opinions to you.

You MIL is being incredibly unreasonable! My MIL would never say anything like that - my parents wouldn't either and I know they'd love another grandchild, but combination of circumstances of DS birth putting me off the idea and health problems I'm having atm now mean it's unlikely despite the fact I always said I wanted two. Things change.

Does your MIL have any idea what ME is? I had it 20-something years ago, still remember my grandmother waking me at 7 am to tell me all about how it was my own fault I was ill so I know it can be hard to educate people about it, but go to a gym? Argh. I'm angry on your behalf now!

I'm going to ask DH about it when we are home .

I'll reply again as soon as I can - hot tea is being served !

I may annoyingly slurp it to piss them off

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable to be honest. Although it may depend on how you normally feel about his mum. If I didn't like mine I'd be annoyed at dh for discussing it (maybe irrationally so still). As it happens I like mine and would discuss lightly with her. However if she called me unfair I too would be seething, and biting my tongue hard!

MIL should butt out. If she thinks newborns are so cute and nice, maybe she should have one if she wants one so badly. It's nobody's business but yours and dh's, and you don't have to justify your decisions to anybody. Ultimately it's your decision, as it's your health at risk because MIL thinks it's "only fair". Fuck off.

DH and I haven't had the amount of children we hoped to have. I doubt there are many people who have had the amount of children and pets they planned to have. Sometimes Mother Nature stops another pregnancy, sometimes parenthood is harder than expected or one parent loses a job. Being a mature adult means you adapt to the hand you get dealt as you live your life.

The ''only fair'' bit was a really shitty thing to say.

Why didn't you get angry with her on the spot though? A big, voice raised ''ONLY FAIR?!'' would have bought DH in from the garden and you could have repeated what she'd said in front of her and him.

So angry for you x

Stick loads of sugar in your tea, it'll help calm your blood pressure a bit, then deal with h when you get home.

Agree with pp that it's natural for him to discuss it with his mum, not acceptable for you to be lobbied.

Also the ME gym thing would have me really cross.

Hold your nerve lovey.

Has DH used the "we said 3, it's only fair" argument? If so, he's been v v unreasonable too and should cease using that argument with you or indeed family and friends!

I think your husband had every right to speak to his mum about it BUT he should have picked her up on her tactless conversation with you straight away and said that it wasn't up for discussion with her. Then firmly changed the subject.

There's some really unfair projecting going on in this thread though... they were 'bitching' about you? WTF? This is somebody you love.

Your MIL had NO business talking to you about it and pushing you like this. NONE.

Your husband may well have confided in his mother; I won't judge that. Personally, I think he's put you in a terrible position, and I would have hoped he'd talked to someone without a (perceived) vested interest in the outcome. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

You have a right to be upset with your husband if he didn't caution his mother to not bring it up with you EVER. She was completely out of line for bringing it up with you and trying to pressure you into it. And husband needs to tell her to back off and apologize to you for not making sure she stayed quiet on the topic unless YOU brought it up with her.

Bit ham-fisted but does seem like she is just getting to make it clear she would give support,which is nice to know! Just take under advisement and maybe tell hubby that you don't really want to discuss this with her again. Doesn't have to be a fight if you think they don't mean to gang up on you.

Mil shouldn't have mentioned it, but I don't think your dh did anything wrong in confiding in his mum, talking about how he felt. We welcome daughters talking to their mothers about things that are important to them, having someone to confide in, to talk things through with, but a son doing the same with his mum is seen as wrong somehow.

That said if I had confided my feelings to my mum about something and she then said something to dh about it, I would be livid with her !

Don't be too harsh on DH till you know what happened. Despite the posts suggesting he ran to mummy crying it's not fair, it's also possible that she was putting pressure on him for another grandchild, and that he simply explained to her that it wouldn't be possible because of your health. How she's presented it to you might be how she's feeling, not DH - but using him as a cover.

Fuming over the ME comment for you

I don't think DH was U in talking to his Mum, but she definitely was in using it to bring pressure on you! And your DH really needs to chat with his folks about ME - if he's got such a good relationship he can complain about not having a third child, surely he can take the time and effort needed to explain the seriousness of your condition to them.

That's a very good counter point to my post Devil - it was possibly done that way also.

Don't be too harsh on DH
Indeed.
How often do we see on here the other side of the story where someone complains their DH said they wanted x kids and then changed their mind after
x- y kids?

Would you share with your mum (if you were close) anything in your relationship that's bothering you?

Women are often told to confide in RL contacts - be that a mum a friend a trustworthy colleague or aunt.

But the opposite is WRONG.

The mil is a fool for opening her mouth and for whatever she said.

It's NOT however your DH fault. Adult children I sincerely hope can confide in their parents.

Threads like this make me so mad :( I hate the misconceptions around illnesses like ME.

It changes everything. FWIW I would really dearly love DC3 but now that I'm ill I just can't risk it.

DH really needs to make your MIL understand :(