To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

[DreamCloud99]

Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....."

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

ME isn't that 'new'. My DH had it 30 years ago. It's never recurred, btw.

Gosh MsHoolie, I really disagree with your post. I want my teens to grow up to have happy amazing lives. If I thought further about it, that might include finding a course they enjoyed studying at uni, a job they liked, good friends and happy relationships. The last thing on my mind would be them having to produce grandchildren 'for me'. I find that a very odd way of looking at things - they don't owe me grandchildren in any way!

She sounds a sweetheart, don't be too angry x

Pah ha ha.

What kind of 'sweetheart' says the cruel and ignorant things this person says? And what rubbish about producing grandkids 'for' a parent.

OP, I'm really pleased your DH is so willing to stand up for you. Hopefully the MIL will realise how unpleasant she's been and fucking educate herself a bit on ME.

Gosh MsHoolie, I really disagree with your post. I want my teens to grow up to have happy amazing lives. If I thought further about it, that might include finding a course they enjoyed studying at uni, a job they liked, good friends and happy relationships. The last thing on my mind would be them having to produce grandchildren 'for me'. I find that a very odd way of looking at things - they don't owe me grandchildren in any way!

This. Totally and absolutely.

I always wonder about women who can't stop buggering their children for grandchildren. Their life and minds must be really empty if they can't fulfill it on their own. There's plenty of places to see, museums to visit, hills to climb, books to read, gardens to potter around in, dogs to adopt. I'd run miles if my mother would pressure me into having children for her sake.

I'm grandma age, but will never be a grandma - my kids just don't want any, and I respect their decisions. I get my grandma fix by helping out at a parent and baby group - every year, new babies to cuddle! Anyone needing a grandma fix should go do that, and leave their kids live their own lives.
I am cross to read how many posters assume that the reason their parents and PILS refuse to understand ME is simply because they are old. Stupidity, bigotry and selfishness can be found in people of all ages. I have ME, can't work, can't walk more than a few hundred yards most days, etc, etc, and have found good and bad attitudes from people of all ages.

Just wanted to say Dream you have my every sympathy in this situation. I totally get how you are feeling because I am stuck in a similiar place and it's miserable (have posted before about this very issue).

When we married, we also planned for children and a dog. Instead I became unexpectedly chronically ill, which has just been diagnosed as ME. I have also had 3 MC's since then, which were pretty traumatic for various reasons. My PIL who have been very lovely and supportive in most things are now completely obsessed with the grandchildren thing. Despite having other grandchildren and interfering as much as possible there they have:

• Offered me £10,000 to breed.
• Discussed their concerns privately with DH, that I am stringing him along until I am too old to breed.
• Have avoided all offers to visit us at home (I have been housebound).
• Have briefly dropped by unexpectedly when in the area (to deliver food) and MIL refused to make eye contact or communicate with me.
• Have offered advice over the phone about how to 'manage' my fatigue properly. *Made repeated attempts to get DH to freeze his sperm for the future when I am too old to be part of their plans

This is despite knowing about the ME and MC's AND having health and fertility issues of their own! You'd think they would know better.

I totally understand your DH chatting this through with his DP's, as you say they are normally lovely people. Same here and my DH was close to his. He began sharing things with his DM too, but that has just made it worse and she has become 'over-involved' obsessed. Why is it that MIL's feel they have the right to push their needs for a grandchild on their children?!! From your experience and mine, they are just pushing us away! I would be RAGING at the 'it's only fair' comment.

Twins and ME? Wow. for you Dream at coping with that. Having been at the 'near isolation in a darkened room' stage of ME I am full of admiration for you in getting this far. For what it's worth, my pregnancies made my ME, far, far worse and I thought I was dying (tachycardia, had to lie flat, severe disequilibrium, multiple environmental sensitivities blah, blah). It might not be worth the risk.

Congratulations though on your twins and having an amazing DH. My DH is amazing too, but it's taken him far longer to understand how wrong this is. PIL are only doing this out of love and concern for us you see. .

My advice (repeating what wise MN'ers have told me) is to send an e-mail confirming what exactly is upsetting and being clear that those specific topics are NOT up for discussion in the future! And be clear with everyone that you DO NOT want a dog. I was desperate for one -for the company- but when I looked after a friend's dog, I could not even manage to get up and let it out when it needed to.

Good Luck Op.

(I may post some of this as a separate thread for when we need MN support again! Do I risk AIBU? )

Offered me £10,000 to breed.

WHAT!!!

What do they think you are, a fucking dog?

I'm raging for you.

What do they think you are, a fucking dog?

Thanks Tali for making me laugh today. I may have to move on to AIBU to cheer myself up about inheriting these in-laws

I know she is your MIL but I think that it would be best to avoid her as much as possible in the future. If you are not well the last thing you need is someone belittling your suffering and suggesting that you are just being lazy. Treating you as if you are some kind of breeding vessel who owes her a grandchild is also outrageous. She is clearly very self centered.

I think YAB a bit U. it's his mum he's confided in, not a random bloke in the pub.

Read the thread at all, heron? Or even just the OP's posts?

I don't think it's wrong he discussed this with his mother as he has the right to discuss his feelings with her or anyone else who he feels he can talk to just as you have the right to discuss you're feelings such as on here. I think the main problem here is the way you're mil spoke to you when she said the words "it's only fair". I would rise above it. If she doesn't have the compassion to understand your illness that's her problem..unlucky..life changes. People get ill, die even. She might offer to have you're children too persuade you to have another child but later go on to retract that offer or her health could change. You should feel under no pressure to have another child. It's up to you and you only. It's your body and your life. Mils and parents can make stupid comments but see that as their failing not yours.