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Original poster

To think DH should not have discussed this with his mum?

187 replies

DreamCloud99 · 15/05/2016 18:15

Before DH and I married we both said we would love 3 children and a dog .

We've been married 12 years and have 4 year old twin boys.

DH is desperate for another child but I have changed my mind . I have ME and I struggle to get through most days as well as feeling incredible guilt that I can't do everything with the boys .

DH knows this . PIL know this .

Today over Sunday lunch , MIL mentioned how the boys are so grown up and she can't wait to have another newborn around.

I didn't really know what she meant and just smiled making a comment on how lovely newborns are.

DH then went out to play in the garden with the twins and FIL . Moments after they left , MIL chimes "oh I really do hope you change your mind about having a third; xxx (DH) is desperate for a third and well, you did always say you wanted three, so it's only fair ....." Shock

I didn't know what to say other than mumble something about things changing and me not being well doesn't help .

She then offers to help out and says she will happily watch the boys whilst I go to the gym to sort out my ME Hmm

We are still here and I am hiding in the toilet - seething at DH!

I'm so annoyed he discussed this as it has been a crux in our marriage , especially over the last few months .

But I don't know if I'm BU - she is his mum after all ?

For what it's worth - I don't want a bloody dog either .

OP posts:
kathyjoy · 16/05/2016 13:35

Maybe your husband felt he couldn't talk about it with you (you had already made your stance clear) so he went to the only person he trusted - his mother.

Personally, the real issues is the MIL. She had no right to talk to you like that. It's not her choice. It's your health, your ovaries. Your DP can confide in her but she made a serious breech of his trust. She's the MIL and she should understand her place.

Tell her you appreciate her offer but it is really not her decision and not her business and just because you decided one 3 or 4 kids doesn't mean you're obligated. Also tell her you don't appreciate being put on the spot like that (do it in private or request you DP be present but be as polite and reasonable as you can). Twins are hard. Before I had my daughter, I used to want 3 kids. Now at most I only want 2 and even then we might not even have another. My daughter may be autistic (she is still being diagnosed it might take years but she definitely has some kind of learning disability) and I have hip problems that developed from when I was pregnant. Even if we do decide to have one more child, it'll be when my daughter is five or six (she's 2 now).

If your husband wants to jeopardise your marriage because he is so desperate for more kids .... maybe you need to go to marriage counselling. I'm not saying it should be all about you, or all about him but you clearly have some issues that a professional should go through. You don't want this to cause a rift. It's your right to have as many kids as you are comfortable with and your husband is going to accept that. Why are 2 not enough for him?

Lynnm63 · 16/05/2016 13:36

Your DH sounds lovely, just the kind of support you hope to get from them. It takes a lot to stand up to your parents so I hope you have told him how proud you are of him. Moving on long term health issues are shit. I know, from experience, that you can be happily bouncing along through life without a care in the world and bang life throws you a curveball and you have a life limiting debilitating condition.
Has your mil considered that you might be sad you can't have a third child, or be fit enough to work or do everything for your boys. Or that you feel guilty that you have to rely on your dh more than you'd like.
You can't change mil's mind, try to let her prejudice roll off you like water off a duck's back.

EddieStobbart · 16/05/2016 13:38

I feel pretty sorry for your DH. He needs to do a bit more filtering on what he tells his parents. It's a shame but they aren't listening to either of you.

My DM gets ideas stuck in her head about things, some of which can be really mean spirited (not according to her though). I have always had to be careful what I say to her as I might inadvertently give her more "ammo" ("well, you told me so and so..."). If there is a subject I think DM is particularly obnoxious about then I just avoid it as I know from experience that trying to give her any evidence to the contrary (i.e. your condition making you tired because it's, you know, real) will just get selectively screened so she takes from it only what fits into her narrative.

Hope you feel ok today.

Lynnm63 · 16/05/2016 13:39

I also have twins, also I know first hand how hard that is. I have an older child too but if I'd had twins first I don't think I'd have had a third even though I love all three to bits and that was before I developed my health problems.

SilkandSteel · 16/05/2016 13:45

Kathyjoy did you read this from one of the OP's posts? He said the only thing he has ever said is he would love more children but with Dreams condition, it's unlikely to happen. Nothing unreasonable about that.

It's not her DH that she has an issue with, he accepts that they won't be having another child

MsHoolie · 16/05/2016 13:49

Raspberry..
I have no idea where it's come from... I started late and had no clue how much I loved babies! (Can't say the same for 12 year olds! Dear God, he is a hormonal rollercoaster!!)

MiddleClassProblem · 16/05/2016 13:50

People really need to RTFT. It's pretty clear from the updates that DH is great and they very much have each other's backs. MIL is just taking things into her own hands and adding her own agenda.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/05/2016 13:51

Your DH is epic ! Try to let your MIL's comments wash over you. She's clearly on glue!

redexpat · 16/05/2016 13:52

It's really refreshing to hear of a DH who fights his wife's corner with his own parents. Having said that it's all something you could do without, especially on top of ME. Hope you're feeling OK today. Flowers

Worcswoman · 16/05/2016 13:53

So pleased your husband is supportive, OP. Yes his parents are clueless and have said thoughtless, ignorant things that hurt you., but they are his parents. I realise you are full of emotion about this just now but be careful what you say and how much pressure you put on him - they are his mum and dad. You're kinda stuck with them as one set of grandparents.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 16/05/2016 13:53

MsHoolie I really disagree with you. Of course he should share it all with her, she's not a child, she's his life partner. I'd never agree to marry someone who thought it was okay to 'edit' things that were all about me. His primary relationship is with her, not his mum.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/05/2016 13:54

The fact that MIL won't educate herself on ME and "never will" is shit. I would be printing out stuff and posting it to her daily if I were DH

EddieStobbart · 16/05/2016 13:55

I meant I felt sorry for your DH because his DM was being such a twat when you had previously been open with them about your family plans and your illness - not because you were initially annoyed with him, OP.

urkidding · 16/05/2016 14:07

It is not acceptable. However, do use her offer, and have a week away! Let her look after two 4 year-old boys. You must be exhausted!

frecklesagogo · 16/05/2016 14:08

She wants another baby and is prepared to help raise it? She can go and have her own baby then and fuck right off

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/05/2016 14:09

She needs to accept that things change. Things happen, life happens. What would happen if you werent in the financial position to have a third or it was your DH that took the decision to not have a 3rd?

I bet she wouldnt have tried to guilt him into it if it was the other way around.

summerstorm · 16/05/2016 14:11

Going to the gym to sort out your ME. Where does this woman think you are going to get the energy to go to the gym. Helping out with the twins, great. Nothing wrong with talking to his mum about things but she needs to learn to keep her opinion to herself unless she is asked for them. I have grow up twins and Me but not at the same time I think it must be very difficult to deal with both

usernamealreadytaken · 16/05/2016 14:14

Your DH sounds wonderful, how brilliantly supportive. MIL sounds very stuck in her ways and that's a shame for her as it will damage her relationships with her DS, you and your lovely twins.
PM me your address and I'll happily send you a new mobile phone charger Wink

hellsbellsmelons · 16/05/2016 14:17

You see so many threads on here about MIL when you just want to shake the DH as he's being a total knob.
But.....
Feckin' well done Mr DreamCloud.

So glad you have a lovely supportive husband.
They seem few and far between quite often on MN so this is like music to my ears.

SooBee61 · 16/05/2016 14:20

There's a lady in her 70's just had a baby in India, by IVF. You could suggest to MIL that as she's so keen on babies she might like to consider this herself.

It's your life, don't be bludgeoned into doing what's not right for you.

kathyjoy · 16/05/2016 14:21

SilkandSteel I didn't say it was the husbands fault - I said the MIL was out of line. I never said he was out of line to confide in the mother either or that what he told her was unreasonable. I said MIL was out of line for betraying confidence and pushing in where it wasn't her business. I did not say it was the husbands fault. Are you sure you read my comment properly ....?

At the end I said if he has a problem they should seek a professional as these kinds of unresolved issues IF they are there can wreck a marriage. NEVER did I say it as his fault or that he was unreasonable.

Original poster
DreamCloud99 · 16/05/2016 14:23

I certainly don't want to sour the relationship with PIL ; it was all DH who insisted on going back around there to talk to them .

They are lovely people generally - just my illness is a sticking point for them - it brings the worst out in them Confused

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 16/05/2016 14:23

Your DH sounds great. He has got his priorities spot on - ie. you and his existing children. Bravo.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2016 14:34

' (You'll be just like it when you are older, trust me! I'm 'only' 50 and can't wait for my son to start producing grandkids for me... and he is only 12!! '

What a patronising comment. We have no idea how old the OP is. I'm 'older', too. Unlike you, some people don't have kids so they can have grandkids for themselves. Some only want their kids to live long lives and be happy.

'Yes, your PILs don't understand ME... they are old school, it did not exist when they were growing up, so they are going to make crass mistakes.
Your DH should send them an easy to understand guide to it (print something off the web)

Not worth falling out over!! Life is too short.'

The man has already tried to explain to them. They don't understand because they don't want to. Their 'crass mistakes' are unexcusable. No one has to accept such treatment.

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