AIBU to think that DH - a teacher - could take a day off work?

[BackAche21]

I have been a SAHM for 2 yrs after redundancy and now I have got myself a job interview, which happens to fall on the day that DS (4) has an allergy challenge in hospital. DH says he can't take the day off teaching as his Y12s are close to AS exams, and he is head of department so it looks bad, plus notoriously stingy Headteacher may not give permission. But aside from permission (there were sickies in my day) he doesn't even want to ask. I don't know what solution he thinks is possible.

I am already asking the hospital if they can change the date - but we've already changed it once owing to DS being unwell - and they might not let us change it again. It won't be an option to ask potential employer to change the date as they have a whole load of obstacles lined up for candidates on the day, involving meeting other people too.

IMHO it puts me in an impossible situation as I don't think anyone other than a parent can really do the hospital gig, and our family needs me to get a job. before redundancy all sick children etc fell to me to take time off work, and I feel like he's just staking this ground again - his teaching time is untouchable. Makes me mad, but AIBU?

All those people on here saying they or their dp would not be able to take time off, what would either of you do if you were a single parent and the appointment couldn't be moved a second time?

So if the op cannot change her interview and the hospital cannot change the appointment, what happens then?

minimover you'd have made the appointment for a holiday time in the first place.

What would happen in most jobs if you were refused leave and you went anyway?

Unless the interview is all day why not take ds to the hospital, start him off with the testing, just before you have to leave for the interview dh comes along and watches ds until you get back.
Depends of course on logistics of travel and location but it may work and dh spends the minimum amount of time away from work and you get to go to interview.
Personally I'd try and change the interview rather than the appointment as in most cases interviews are held over a couple of days to fit everyone in around existing arrangements as it's to be expected not everyone can be at a specific time and place at usually short notice.

I think it depends on the job. If it's a dream job or the only interview the OP is likely to get or it's vitally important that she gets this particular job for any reason then her H needs to move hell or high water to taker their DS.

If it's just a job and the OP is likely to be get many other opportunities for similar jobs then I think she should cancel the interview.

If she was a single mum with no other support she would have to decide which was most important and cancel the other.

According to MN, teachers must never ever take a day off. Teachers who have other commitments occasionally should not be teachers at all, and should probably be flogged for even thinking of taking a day off. Their little darlings must not suffer because they had a different teacher for one day!

Meanwhile, in the real world, teachers are people and parents same as anyone else, and sometimes need to take a day off. Someone else fills in for them, no-one actually suffers and the world somehow manages to keep turning.

He doesn't want to take a day off and values his career far more than yours.

I would ask the hospital to reschedule the appointment. I understand why your dh doesn't want to ask for time off at such a crucial time in the school year.

Then, if the OP getting this job is important to the family (more important than any consequences for the DH), the DH has to take the time off, even if permission is only very grudgingly given.

The thing is, we often start off by stating our 'perfect world' scenarios. Especially where everyone has 'got used to' being able to do things in a 'perfect world' way, it can be really difficult to see beyond these:

• In a perfect world, the DH would not miss any time at school at this time of year.
• In a perfect world, the DS would keep this appointment, with the same parent next to their bedside for the entire day.
• in a perfect world, the OP would have a full day to focus just on her interview.

What then happens is a series of investigations to see which parts of the situation can be changed if push came to shove:

• can the interview day or time be changed?
• can the OP leave later or get home earlier to do some of the hospital shift?
• can the appointment be moved?
• can the DH request some dependents' leave from school?
• can someone else be at the hospital for some of the time?

Once in possession of all of those facts - and yes, even making the calls can be difficult, but without the information everyone is just making assertions - then a detailed plan of compromise can be worked out.

I'd get your dh to call up the hospital and beg to change the appointment. He can tell them all about how he is not allowed to leave exam students on that day and ask them to help him rather than leaving it all at your door. I can see his point that he can't leave his students but what I can't see is why he is not taking steps to fix the problem.

I am a SAHM partly because my dh would be out of his job if he took time off for this sort of thing.

What is your DH's proposed solution to the problem?

The only "good" solution I can see is if a grandparent/other close relative is able to take your DS. You could sign the form in advance via email I would think.

If that's not possible - ask your DH what he suggests. This is not just YOUR problem, it is a FAMILY problem, and that means he needs to be coming up with solutions just as much as you do.

Tigger I think pretty much every teacher here has said many schools would allow the time but some don't. The OPs DH may be in one of the won't schools.

With 13 weeks holiday a year we arrange all medical appts in that time

It's not an emergency, it's a planned appt

My dh (also head of a huge dept) could never take a day off. He's also got yrs 11,12,13 coming up to crucial exams so it's the worst time

His school is great as well and when emergencies happen they rally round

But not planned appts

The easiest thing to reschedule is the interview. Ring and tell them you need to attend a hospital appointment that day. They are not going to throw your application in the bin for that.

For people saying teaching is different to any other job I agree (I have taught and now work in a none teaching profession) but at the end of the day he could ask to try to make alternate arrangements, if it's far enough in advance they can arrange cover. Sometimes life happens and time needs to be taken off. For all of the parents saying op is bu as you have children about to sit exams would you still feel the same if the situation were reversed. Where I live you can't dictate when you have appointments so it's not a case of asking for one in the holidays.

As others have said op your DH needs to understand if you are re entering work his job doesn't always take priority and things need to be split 50/50

Surely your first port of call (before Mumsnet AIBU?) should be calling the hospital and trying to reschedule the appointment.

Secondly seeing if a grandparent or one of your siblings could take your DS to the hospital appointment if either of these are options? A grandparent would be ok to take to a grandchild to an appointment when there are few other options.

Your DH is being unreasonable. He won't even ask? That's really lame of him. What will happen when you do get a job and DS is sick - he needs to share the responsibility.

I wouldn't rearrange the appointment if it means you have to start from scratch again.

Your DH will have to decide what's more important to him - you getting a job or him not taking time off work because as I see it those are your only options.

I disagree with Meridithsister. For a competitive role they could well throw your application in the bin. Rescheduling the interview would be the very last resort.

I would want my childs teacher in school doing his job when mine were close to exams.
Ask if you can change the interview and explain the bad timing, hospital appointment for a child is acceptable reason to ask for an alternative time.

Strawberry,

IME, schools are sympathetic (at least for the 'emergency' first day needed to get other arrangements into place) if a child is sick.

However, non-emergency hospital appointments are somewhat different.

I have sympathy with bot parts of this dlemma - we had similar discussions and negotiations when I first went back to work, as everyone was used to being able to find 'the perfect world' solution and it was difficult and felt uncomfortable falling back on grandparents, rescheduling things, missing 'nice to have but not vital' things, juggling different priorities etc.

In some ways it is great that this has arisen now, because it will help OP and her DH to work through how it is going to work if she gets the job, particular as her DS will probably be in school next year if he isn't already, and that 8-6 security of nursery or childcare (which I'm guessing that she used when she worked before) may no longer be there to fall back on.

YABU
People saying what about singe parents who are teachers can take time off so why cant he? is ridiculous. When I was little and ill my singe mother who was a teacher called on my family and close family friends to help out for a couple of hours because its not so simple to take time off from teaching.

By him taking the day off it means the school has to find a replacement that can be hard on short notice, considering he's a HOY this will bring up other problems. It also causes so much disruptions to a child's learning especially during exam season, they have 3 weeks left and every lesson at this point is vital.

Oh, and suggesting the DH pulls a sickie is absolutely not on. That would risk a disciplinary if discovered / suspected - very likely if he has asked for the time and it has been refused. Definitely not worth risking a job in that way.

I don't get his "if it were my children I would ev furious if the teacher was absent" thing, at the end of the day teachers need time off too and realistically the teacher not being there for half a day is highly unlikely to impact on exam results.

My hospital doesn't allow appointments to be re arranged multiple times. Why should op cancel her interview when her DH won't even ask for the time off.

For those saying well if she was a single mum... She's not and her DH should be an equal parent, her career is just as important

(read lalaland's post - and remembered being tucked up in bed with the radio for company while my DM went off to her teaching job for the day and returned. OK, I was probably 10-11, and it was just another of my many bouts of asthma, but it was normal and what needed to be done.)

I would try and change the hospital first. If that really isn't possible then you need to have a serious discussion with your DH about what exactly he expects you to do. Does he want you to get a job or not? If he does he will have to risk asking for time off as there us no way you can reschedule an interview.

I am a teacher, I had to have a day off sick last week, a very rare occurrence for me. I missed two Yr 10 exam classes whose final exam is this summer.

I have had parental complaints due to missing this lesson.

I have issues getting ante natal appointments approved as I am part time, I have to justify that my consultant and midwife only does appointments on the days I work - I have had to produce evidence of this fact. I know school can't object unfortunately the person who approves requests is currently off sick and the person currently approving isn't so up to speed - they have been told!

It is a really hard time of the year to get time approved especially if he is a HoD. I am lucky that my school are ok with emergency leave - but DH and I do take it in turns and my days are not all together so helps as well.

Sorry to derail but I'm horrified by the person who drove a 1000 miles in a day! Even with zero traffic and all A roads that's about 16 hours isn't it?

I think your DH should try to get the time off - it's not like teachers are never sick is it? It's inconvenient for the school but not insurmountable.