Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that DH - a teacher - could take a day off work?

460 replies

BackAche21 · 28/04/2016 12:46

I have been a SAHM for 2 yrs after redundancy and now I have got myself a job interview, which happens to fall on the day that DS (4) has an allergy challenge in hospital. DH says he can't take the day off teaching as his Y12s are close to AS exams, and he is head of department so it looks bad, plus notoriously stingy Headteacher may not give permission. But aside from permission (there were sickies in my day) he doesn't even want to ask. I don't know what solution he thinks is possible.

I am already asking the hospital if they can change the date - but we've already changed it once owing to DS being unwell - and they might not let us change it again. It won't be an option to ask potential employer to change the date as they have a whole load of obstacles lined up for candidates on the day, involving meeting other people too.

IMHO it puts me in an impossible situation as I don't think anyone other than a parent can really do the hospital gig, and our family needs me to get a job. before redundancy all sick children etc fell to me to take time off work, and I feel like he's just staking this ground again - his teaching time is untouchable. Makes me mad, but AIBU?

OP posts:
HighwayDragon1 · 28/04/2016 17:41

Teacher here. Your dp can take emergency unpaid parental leave. He needs to tell his HoD that his son has an urgent hospital appointment he has to take him to on x day and he needs it off

araiba · 28/04/2016 17:41

i too would prioritize the only job in the household and responsible for feeding, clothing and housing my family over a possible job with no guarantees

something about birds, hands and bushes

look, its clearly an unfortunate situation but trying to blame people and start fights isnt going to help. he needs to ask, one of you speaks to the hospital and then deal with it as best you can

Acorn44 · 28/04/2016 17:44

There's no way in our school we would be allowed time off for this. So close to the exams, I would not even offer to take it off unpaid leave. The only possible time I would consider it is if I were able to find a colleague who'd teach my lesson for me. We do occasionally do this for each other.

BalloonSlayer · 28/04/2016 17:46

Time for a brutal discussion, methinks.

"What you are saying, DH, is that there is no point me even trying to get a job because you have made it clear no matter how important something is - and nothing is more important than a hospital appointment, or a job interview, you WILL NOT take time off work. Any sickness or appointment of the children have will to fall to me and you have no intention of taking any time off, ever. So we now need to accept that we have to live on your salary alone and budget accordingly. I accept that although I am angry that you have wasted my time encouraging me to look for work when you have no intention of actually supporting me. Well it is what it is. But I expect no whining from you about being short of money. I will remind you every time that I would like a job but you wouldn't even ask your boss for time off so I could go for the interview so I had no chance. OK?"

GogoGobo · 28/04/2016 17:57

YABU. Move the hospital appointment or the interview or get someone else to take your son.
He's a head of dept too so pressure will be on to set an example.

araiba · 28/04/2016 18:01

actually, try the nuclear option as per balloonslayer, it is always hilarious to watch a family collapse over something that could have been dealt with calmly and sensibly.....

insancerre · 28/04/2016 18:01

I wouldn't ask dh to take the day off in that situation
I would ring to say I couldn't attend the interview and hope that other interviews were forthcoming

laylabelle · 28/04/2016 18:03

No harm in asking but being close to exams be surprised it is allowed but least know for definite either way

cricketballs · 28/04/2016 18:06

haggis my school timetables 6th form in blocks, so 4 lessons on morning, the other 2 for the week on an afternoon of another day. So if I had to take Tuesday off my year 13s would miss 4 out of 6 lessons for the week

BillSykesDog · 28/04/2016 18:13

What you are saying, DH, is that there is no point me even trying to get a job because you have made it clear no matter how important something is - and nothing is more important than a hospital appointment, or a job interview, you WILL NOT take time off work. Any sickness or appointment of the children have will to fall to me and you have no intention of taking any time off, ever.

Er, well actually I think his response to that would be to quite reasonably point out that he's not said that at all. Presumably he will be available to take them to all appointments in the holidays and his fair share outside peak times for his work.

And you do realise that there are plenty of families where this is the case nearly all the time. I can think of quite a few jobs where there are seasonable requirements which make time off impossible. I have some days in my job where I would be refused time off and if I took it for anything short of near death illness or a life threatening emergency I would destroy my career.

Parents do have to work around these things. And yes, it will probably mean when she is working she will have to cover time off in the exam period. That's life. There's no guarantee she'll even get the job, he shouldn't jeopardise his career for something so ephemeral. And to react as you've suggested would just be petulant and childish.

FuriousFate · 28/04/2016 18:16

Agree with Bogeyface. And no teachers are indispensable (I say that coming from a family of teachers). Your DH is telling you in no uncertain terms that he is the priority, in fact his students are the priority over and above his own child. Why is this your problem? I'm a SAHM but if I had a job interview, DH would cover it no question. He's a company director and would make the time. Your DH no doubt can, he just doesn't want to ask. Which says rather a lot about him, sadly.

FuriousFate · 28/04/2016 18:19

Balloonslayer has a point though. This is essentially what the DH is saying. His job is so so precious that he can't possibly have a day's leave to take his sick child to hospital. Bollocks. He's a teacher, not carrying out brain surgery.

Hulababy · 28/04/2016 18:22

Teachers CAN and DO ask for, and get granted - often with pay - time out for hospital appointments for them and/or their children. Hospital appointments are often made by the hospital, and it isn't always possible to schedule them out of school hours. Sometimes it is with pay, sometimes without.

However, an appointment would not generally require a full day off timetable. The time off would normally only cover the time required for the appointment plus travel time. He would be expected to be in school before and/or after that time, ime. Do you both have childcare lined up for the rest of the day?

However, this time of year isn't ideal with exam classes, so most would prefer to try and reschedule the appointment for another time.

That would be my first choice - reschedule, assuming it isn't something that needs to happen asap.

Second choice is he puts in a request. It may or may not be granted. It generally is wherever possible.

Roomba · 28/04/2016 18:22

Non teachers ometimes don't realise what the pressure is not to take time off during term time. The view is that you have 13 weeks to arrange family life/medical stuff in, and you are letting down at least 30 other kids when you are off.

My toddler DS had a febrile convulsion (didn't know it was that at the time, just that he'd had a fit). My Head advised me that as it really was an emergency, I could have half a day unpaid leave, to give me a chance to find someone else to take over caring for him in hospital (single parent)! TBH that is why I didn't reapply for my job at that school when my contract finished.

I had to arrange all doctors' appointments, dentist, funerals etc. outside of school time. My family specifically organise family funerals (yes, really), weddings and so on outside of school time for the benefit of three of us who are teachers. It just isn't like most jobs, sadly. Whether this is right or not is another matter entirely.

Hulababy · 28/04/2016 18:24

And time you can;t usually ask for a job interview to be rescheduled! Certainly not in teaching, I am sure it is similar in other professions too. How bad does that look? If you can't even make the interview date, then what chance for the future time there? I think asking to change the interview date would come very very low on the list of options!

Hulababy · 28/04/2016 18:26

Roomba - sounds like you have a rather unfair SMT/Governing body. Luckily have never had to deal with a HT who was so draconian over necessary time off. Even more so now I have a medical diagnose and have no choice to have medical appointments, which cannot usually be put into an out of school time!

NewLife4Me · 28/04/2016 18:26

I don't see how this is the dh fault or problem tbh.
He is the one who is working. I'm sure if it were reversed and the OP was a teacher at a demanding time in the school year that the dh should sort it out as he wasn't the worker.
I only taught for a year but was told along with all other teachers that under no circumstances would it be permissible to take time off during this time.
It isn't fair on the students for a start. They know their teacher and don't need the disturbance of cover so near to their exams.
I'm surprised that so many parents think this is ok tbh.

SoupDragon · 28/04/2016 18:28

Any sickness or appointment of the children have will to fall to me and you have no intention of taking any time off, ever

Well, apart from the 13 weeks holiday when they don't have to find any childcare.

BillSykesDog · 28/04/2016 18:30

Balloonslayer has a point though. This is essentially what the DH is saying. His job is so so precious that he can't possibly have a day's leave to take his sick child to hospital. Bollocks. He's a teacher, not carrying out brain surgery.

People have this terrible sentimental attachment to the thing that allows them to feed and clothe their families and keep a roof over their heads. So, yes, I dare say his job is precious.

And no, he's not said he can't possibly take a day off to take his child to hospital, he's said he can't take a day off at that specific time.

It may not be brain surgery, but if that day makes the difference between his pupils getting one grade or another, it could alter the course of their entire live. It's bloody important.

BombadierFritz · 28/04/2016 18:37

Just reschedule the hospital appointment. Is the hospital rule really that you cant reschedule more than once? Or is it miss more than one appointment then rearrange a new time?

NewLife4Me · 28/04/2016 18:39

It may not be brain surgery, but if that day makes the difference between his pupils getting one grade or another, it could alter the course of their entire live. It's bloody important

No disrespect but if it was my child and a vital teacher was missing I'd be mighty pissed off if it was to cover for a partner to attend an interview.

The final weeks before exams it's all hands on decks for many schools.
Endless extra lessons for revision and drumming key facts into their little brains.
I know teachers like your dh who go over and beyond because they need to, in order to support their students to reach their potential.

All I hope is those on here who say the dh should take time off have small children and as yet don't know the importance of school policies and procedures during exams. Or God help us as we have some parents who obviously don't value education.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 28/04/2016 18:43

Do you have a close relative who can take ds to the hospital?

My mum took dd to a hospital appt when dd was a toddler as I couldnt go.

Marynary · 28/04/2016 18:48

I think it is quite likely the hospital will rearrange the appointment. Afterall, if they get plenty of notice they can always contact someone else on the waiting list.

BillSykesDog · 28/04/2016 18:49

Why was the appointment rearranged last time? If you're a SAHM and you've rearranged it once presumably this was to fit round something for you too, was it less urgent?

Parker231 · 28/04/2016 18:51

We had similar problems when DT's were younger. DH is a GP and I'm a Management consultant and regularly have to work away from home or out of the country. We don't have any family living within traveling distance for emergencies. There were occasions when one or worse both of the DT's would get ill whilst I was away from home. DH had to ring in and cancel his surgery of appointments until he could make alternative arrangements for someone else to look after DT's.