AIBU to think that DH - a teacher - could take a day off work?

[BackAche21]

I have been a SAHM for 2 yrs after redundancy and now I have got myself a job interview, which happens to fall on the day that DS (4) has an allergy challenge in hospital. DH says he can't take the day off teaching as his Y12s are close to AS exams, and he is head of department so it looks bad, plus notoriously stingy Headteacher may not give permission. But aside from permission (there were sickies in my day) he doesn't even want to ask. I don't know what solution he thinks is possible.

I am already asking the hospital if they can change the date - but we've already changed it once owing to DS being unwell - and they might not let us change it again. It won't be an option to ask potential employer to change the date as they have a whole load of obstacles lined up for candidates on the day, involving meeting other people too.

IMHO it puts me in an impossible situation as I don't think anyone other than a parent can really do the hospital gig, and our family needs me to get a job. before redundancy all sick children etc fell to me to take time off work, and I feel like he's just staking this ground again - his teaching time is untouchable. Makes me mad, but AIBU?

[TheSparrowhawk]

Well this lets you know where you stand doesn't it? Even in a totally once-off, really really important, very difficult situation, he won't put himself out to help. Therefore, you have to juggle and organise and he'll go to work come what may.

You are a partnership. This is a very unusual situation. He can and he should do what he can to support you. This is why you bother marrying someone at all - otherwise WTF is the point?

[cannotlogin]

What do teachers who are single parents do?

Our children come second best to yours. It's that simple.

I arrange all appointments for as late in the day as possible or during school holidays. I have generally found that doctors, dentists etc. are more than willing to help as soon as I say 'I'm a teacher and a single parent'.

You don't take time off because your wife is attending an interview in teaching. We get 13 weeks holiday a year.

[Fragglewump]

I would only take time off from teaching if it was an emergency e.g bereavement or urgent call from school to say my child was injured or ill. In most schools it really does not go down well. In fact when I have had to leave school, I have often been unpaid. In our case it's economics - my husband earns a lot more than me so his time off is more costly to us overall and if he lost his job we would be in financial difficulty. Just try to arrange the hospital appointment for a more convenient time. Also I would sit down with your husband and discuss how you will manage family life with you both working.

[MrsPatterson2014]

But you do take time off to take your child to a medical appointment because there is no one else to do it .

[corythatwas]

Can't see how posters can compare a dentist's appointment to the kind of hospital appointment the OP is talking about.

A dentist's or GP appointment can usually be scheduled for your convenience. Something like this allergy test will probably only be possible during the particular morning or afternoon that the hospital does that particular clinic, there may well be a long, long waiting list and if you turn one appointment down you aren't going to get another one in a hurry.

[NotJanine]

I don't see why he would have to take the whole day off just for the appt - is your son at school other than that?
If he can't take the time off then I think you should get the hospital appointment moved and go to your interview.

[Topseyt]

Ifyoubuildit, my mother took the odd day if one of us was ill too. There was just no alternative until we were old enough to be left.

She did lose a day's pay over it though on at least one occasion. There was no entitlement to the leave in those days and I recall her ranting about it to my Dad. She didn't teach children who were going to be taking exams though, which presumably helped a bit.

OP's DH is being asked to take time off while his Year 12 students are preparing for AS exams, so very likely would not get it and making him ask is putting him in an awkward position there.

OP doesn't say she has no options for childcare, so presuming that she can leave her DS with a friend, she will have to reschedule the hospital appointment.

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

He's not taking time off because his wife is having an interview. He'd be taking it off because his son has an important hospital appointment that currently neither parent can take him to. OP's DP needs to decide if this one day in work is more important than both his wife getting a job it sounds like they need her to have and his son's health.

[Donki]

No you are not being unreasonable. He can and should ask for a leave of absence.

I used to have to do all the medical appointments for our son as exH used to refuse to take time off. He worked in a lab in a hospital. I worked in a school.

Because son has SN and exH refused to pull his weight even more after he left, I lost my job as a teacher - but the circumstances were extreme.

School was generally realistic about hospital appointments.

ExH's work would have been too. He just would never ask.

[useyourimagination]

Can you change the date of your interview? I've done this a couple of times.

[ShatnersBassoon]

The chances are the governing body won't allow him to take the time off, but he IBU to not even write to them and ask. It puts him in a slightly awkward position, but it wouldn't be held against him.

Hopefully the hospital will be accommodating and rearrange the appointment.

[soapboxqueen]

It really isn't that simple. You can always ask but school can always refuse. They would expect you to reschedule unless it was an emergency. Some schools are really accommodating and others aren't. Sometimes you can ask for unpaid leave but they can refuse that too.

I would call the hospital and find out if you rescheduled, how long the extra wait would be. If it is easily rescheduled then do that. If not ask your Dh to just ask his Hod. They may say no, then you can decide whether to cancel the appointment or the interview

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Yanbu to think he could ask.

It is a one off occurrence that two very important events have clashed and neither of which should be rescheduled. If you ask the interviewers, you're going to look like a flaky employee before you even get the job. If you ask the hospital, they may not be able to accommodate you for quite some time. Especially as they will have put in place a no eating/drinking clean environment to ensure no contaminated results.

I don't know how detrimental it would be for a specific teacher to miss one of a child's lessons in the run up to exams. The work would surely be planned and any queries could be put to the teacher in writing for a response surely? As a parent I'd like to think I understood that sometimes work is a demand too far when family needs you to step up. Certainly at as/a level there were times when (shock! Horror!) we were expected to work independently.

My dh works in an environment where it is very difficult to get time off for medical appointments for him, let alone the kids. But there came a point where he had to realise he wasn't indispensable. If he didn't go to work then someone else would have to cover him. Teaching is the same. In an ideal world the class would have continuity. But if your dh were to disappear in a puff of smoke tomorrow, someone else would be found.

So; you are left with telling dh that clearly you will never be able to hold down a job if you are the default sick/appointment parent.

[JustABigBearAlan]

I have to say I'm surprised people think he wouldn't be allowed the time off.

My head used to grant people permission to attend appointments that had to be during term time. It was more the issue that most teachers would hate asking in the first place because of the effects on their students, rather than it just being a case of whether you'd be granted the time off.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

So, if you get this job, assuming you've worked out the logistics for interview day, at some point, what's going to happen when your DS has D&V and can't go to school or child care for 2 or 3 days?

This is something you're going to have to sit down and hash out with your DH because if you can't come to an agreement about what is reasonable, now, then this job isn't going to work.

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Oh, and my mum has taken dniece to hospital for allergy testing before as sister couldn't get out of work and her ex doesn't believe his dd has allergies . So whilst it's not ideal, it probably does happen more than you think.

[kickassangel]

I know it's hard to believe - but there are many schools who won't let teachers take time off, even in life or death scenarios. I had to take unpaid leave, and only 1 day for a close family member who died from cancer. I drove 1,000 miles in a day to be at the funeral and back for work the next day.

I always lost a day's pay every time I had to be home with DD (which was rare, thankfully).

But yes, I do wonder how single parents cope, or teachers with a DP who works away, or any of the other reasons why 'life' can get in the way of work. If employers are completely inflexible they can sack workers who need time off. But, eventually, that isn't good for the school if there are too many people with kids.

However - I think the OP's DH sounds like he's just in the mindset of "me big man with big job. me no take care of children" rather than seeing himself as a caring parent who will want to spend time looking after his kids.

[TwentyCupsOfTea]

I think the easiest thing here is try to change interview? Explain you have a hospital appointment that time/day?
Could a grandparent or friend of yours take them?
Teachers have more holiday than anyone; a single parent who was a teacher would have made the appointment for half term. Or, got someone else to take them. As someone whose single mother was a teacher, this is what happens.

[BillSykesDog]

The hospital will rearrange, it's routine, not an emergency. Just rearrange it.

[Sparklycat]

You are allowed two days off per year for a sick child as per teachers burgundy book. If you are in an academy though they'll have different rules.

[soapboxqueen]

BigBen Many heads are reasonable but some really aren't. Some like to play favourites and allow some staff to go to appointments etc and not others.

The OPs DH should at least ask but I wouldn't be shocked if he were refused.

[happysunshineandrainbows]

Reschedule the interview - this close to exams you can't put you DH in that position (I was the daughter of a teacher who taught A Level)

[BillSykesDog]

She can't change the interview. Most places these days have an interview panel on a set day and aren't going to reconvene and rearrange their diary because one person can't make it. She's already said they're making special arrangements for people to be there to meet the interviewees.

Just change the hospital appointment, the hospital will understand, I've done that job, everybody knows how difficult it can be to fit these things in sometimes.

[1angrydwarf]

I have been in literally the exact same situation with teaching husband. We didn't even consider asking for the day off (in fact ended up being two days). I came on here for recommendations of agencies and booked someone from sitters.co.uk. It was hard as first time leaving baby with a stranger, but all worked out fine. Yes it was expensive but worth it to get a job.

However now that I'm also working we will take turns if kids off sick weighing up who has the most important day at work...

[BackAche21]

Thanks for advice so far. To answer questions, DS's appointment is an eating challenge, which lasts the whole day as they get him to eat incrementally increasing tiny amounts of the allergen & wait 2 hours to see what happens, then give him another tiny bit. The hospital rules are that you can change the appt once, but you can't change it twice or you lose it completely, which means starting again with GP. Also someone with parental responsiibity has to go with him to give permission on a scary form about what can go wrong feeding him something you know he can have a reaction to. It has to be one of us who goes. Obis, I'm trying to change the appointment, but failing that - what??